I was getting ready to post this, then thought it sounded vaguely familiar, decided I probably ought to see if I already had a post titled “Feeling down.” And what do you know – I did, I do. It’s from February of last year, so about a year-and-a-half ago. I skimmed over it, and there are definitely some similar themes I am experiencing now. But I would describe what I am currently feeling as more of a burnout sensation – like I am just REALLY tired of life in this time and place right now.
And I know, I have SO much to be grateful for – I don’t really have anything to bitch or complain about, at all. I have a wonderful, supportive wife; our kids are all doing well; we have a nice home, food to eat, clean water to drink, stable jobs. I mean, I am living a blessed life. So why so down?
I know that the ongoing pandemic(s) has a lot to do with it, and to be more precise, the reaction to it by so many, the way it is being “handled” by governments and institutions in the West. I think what really gets me about it is the underlying message, and it’s one that I have already known about for a long, long time. It’s the message of brutal capitalism, one that says, “Your life is worth absolutely nothing – it only has value in the value it can provide to the shareholders, wealthy elite.” As I said, I and some others have known that for a long time. What’s REALLY depressing is all of the mindless freedumb fighters rallying to support this wonderful system who are gaslighting those of us pointing out its obvious flaws. We get flamed all the time on platforms like Twitter, and now, even the media, even supposed liberals are joining in, imploring us to “get back to normal” and “learn to live with it” regarding covid. Never mind the fact that people are still getting very sick from it, still dying, still coming down with long covid.
Another dynamic that gets me down is the morass that is the political landscape in this country (the US). I know we are always supposed to try to “see both sides,” to try to relate to people from other parties and ideologies, and find at least some common ground. And we are not to demonize the other side, we are to show them respect and kindness. But the fact is, there just IS no common ground anymore, and those who have bought into the MAGA/GQP cult of personality created by the Great Cheeto simply will not be swayed. He is their savior, their god, can do no wrong, and they will worship him to the bitter end. It’s utterly sickening, and I just don’t understand it, at all. And there is no “two sides” to it. He is utterly without honor, compassion, morals, dignity – he stands for all that is vile in this world, and is dividing this nation as it hasn’t been since the Civil War. In fact it’s a common cry of his supporters to have another one. So yeah, that’s depressing.
And of course, there’s the thing that I and others have been talking about for years, been trying to get people to pay attention to, battling against the petroleum lobby and – surprise surprise – those same GOP/GQP folks to try to bring attention to: climate change. It seems each month, each week, each day brings new stories of “unprecedented” weather events – blistering heat waves, torrential floods, crippling droughts, etc etc. And yet there are STILL people out there arguing that we aren’t in a climate emergency, that these cycles have always happened, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, we are ripping past all of the worst predictions of the climate scientists and barreling towards 3-4C warming by 2040, easy.
Now one might think – I mean, I would have thought – that knowing a lot of this was coming, which, as a student of prophecy and science, I have known, would have given me some insulation against getting too depressed or down. I had hoped it would put me in a better position, and indeed, a lot of the time, I am in a better place mentally. I see what’s happening and know that it was foretold, and know that something wonderful was also foretold. And most of the time, I can hang on the faith that the other part, the great part, is coming soon enough that I can hang on until it gets here – that it will be totally worth it. But then sometimes, like today, I just don’t think it is worth it. I think it’s just too far away still, and that this life is just going to be watching the collapse get worse and worse – right up to my end here.
And as I said earlier – I live a very blessed, privileged life, so I *should* be grateful that I get to watch the collapse from such comfortable seats. But I’m not today. I was told when I was young that I was an “old soul,” and indeed, I seemed to be ill-fitted for this modern world from the get-go. My 52 years here have been extremely challenging on a deep, soul level, because it was just obvious to me from a very young age how very wrong all of this is. I saw the way the Native Americans used to live, and thought “Certainly, this is how it was meant to be – in harmony with Nature, with Earth, with all of creation.” But being a little white boy in a red state, that wasn’t a real popular opinion to have, and it still isn’t. Because capitalism. Because the economy. Because money, success, hard work, modern society, blah blah blah. This is all SO much better, don’t ya know. I’m supposed to be grateful to live in ‘Murica, and quit being a bleeding heart, tree hugging, whiney liberal.
Nothing has changed – the acceleration of capitalism’s domination and poisoning of the Earth and of human’s minds has only accelerated. I still feel the same way – that this is all wrong. And somehow, I have managed to swallow all those feelings, to stuff them deep enough to be able to play the game to be able to support myself and my family. But I’m weary from that struggle today. I’m tired of having to play the game. I’m tired of having to live around and deal with all of the selfish, willfully ignorant, apathetic, entitled, spoiled, disconnected children most adults in this society are. I’m tired of having to be someone else to fit into this society, and not being able to be myself, because I wouldn’t be able to survive or provide for those who depend on me. I’m just tired.
I know this will pass, it always does. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I’m hoping this one will pass quickly. But it’s starting to recur more and more often, and I find that I am struggling more to get out of it. I found myself even looking into short term disability options at my job this morning – though I don’t know what that would really get me. It would just be a temporary alleviation of the work stuff, not a real fix.
When I was younger, I always thought, and hoped I think, that this civilization would end in some massive, cataclysmic event, and in a matter of moments, the entire world and life we knew would be turned on its head; only a small percentage of people would survive. I liked to think that I would be one of them, but was ok if I wasn’t too. I just wanted this sick experiment to be OVER. But it seems more and more like it’s going to be a very long, slow, drawn out process, and I think that is part of what has me down. I feel like a good part of my life has been suffering just because of my core nature, and I don’t really want to suffer anymore, especially with some things getting even WORSE than they’ve already been.
I realize this probably sounds like the words of someone who is whiny and entitled himself, and I own that. But it’s the truth, it’s how I’m feeling. There are some who say that we chose to be here at this time, to experience this, and I think that is a possibility. If so, I would like to find a wormhole to travel back in time, slap the shit out of myself, and say “What were you THINKING?!?” Lol. Because right now, as much as I’m trying to keep myself going with hope of that “something wonderful,” all I’m seeing is the continuing shitshow, getting shittier by the day, with that wonderful thing so far off, I doubt if I will live to even see it.
Edit: Not quite sure how I failed to include this, but another thing that has been really adding to my recent depression is an issue that I am experiencing with my right arm/wrist. It pretty much came out of nowhere last week, and is causing me a fair amount of discomfort and pain. Whenever I extend my right arm completely, or move my wrist in a certain manner, I get the sensation of a string being snapped or something and a sudden pain in my right wrist. I did the Google diagnosis thing, and it sounds a lot like radial tunnel syndrome – like that nerve is getting hung up on something, then suddenly releasing when I extend my arm. I am grateful that it doesn’t hurt all the time, for sure.
The thing that gets me about situations like this is that it challenges my belief in the healing abilities we have as spiritual beings. I have always liked to believe that we could, with the help of Spirit, heal ourselves, or at least allow healing to happen via it. But more often than not, that doesn’t seem to be the case. The chronic pain in my right hip is a great example of that. I spent SO much time praying, meditating, doing creative visualizations, trying alternative therapies like acupuncture – but nothing worked. Ultimately, I ended up getting into pain management, which, thank God, has helped me to live a pretty normal life. But I’m not really sure what to do with all that. As I’m writing this, I am reminded that we are really to pray for others, and maybe that’s part of the issue, that I am focusing on praying for myself, not asking others to pray for me – something I very rarely (if ever) do.
And then there is the role of pain itself. Perhaps it isn’t about healing pain, but overcoming those things that could cause us to lose our lives, and maybe sometimes not even that. I believe very strongly in the ability of pain to teach things that nothing else can. I know that my chronic pain has opened my mind in ways that nothing else could have – made me more compassionate for others with chronic pain, and provided a deep understanding of the challenges many people face that are hard to fathom unless you experience them yourself. So yes, there are probably spiritual reasons for pain, and good ones. But that doesn’t negate the fact that the experience itself rather sucks, and can contribute to depression after a while. In my case, I’ve been pretty spoiled to have avoided most major health issues or serious injuries, so when it does hit, the “otherness” of it takes a mental toll.
So yeah, that’s where I am right now. Apologies for such a negative, depressing post. But then I don’t expect many people will see this anyway. I don’t have a huge audience, so the “damage” will be very limited. I feel better for having written it, at least a little bit anyway. I just have to get through today, take it just like the Program – one day at a time. Who knows – that meteor, that Carrington Event, that magnitude 10 Earth shaker might still happen. If not, or until then, chop wood, carry water it is.