Strange side effect…

…of watching shows about people who have paranormal experiences, perform magic, channel beings, claim to have contacted or been contacted by secret societies, see UFOs, etc. And that side effect is a bit of depression. It’s a result of an icky form of envy really. I find myself thinking, “Why couldn’t that be me?” And then, inevitably, I think back to the Gisela days, remember the UFO sighting that early morning with David, remember the lightning bolt with that other Debbie, think about the whole coin-incidence – I did experience some of those things. Although I’m sure even back then, I had some jealousy, thinking other people had more powerful experiences. I remember having that when I first read “The Ultimate Frontier,” thinking about how Richard got that tutoring from Mr. White, learning about the Brotherhood, etc, and being jealous.

So yesterday, I was watching a movie about a guy who supposedly channels a being named “Bashar,” and I tried to be open-minded about it. I realized that as much as I want to believe in a lot of that type of thing, I am actually very skeptical myself. I think the guy truly believes he is channeling another entity, and perhaps he is. But it left me with that same feeling. It’s obvious he has made a career out of it, they showed him giving big public talks, and I think “Why can’t I do something like that?” Not necessarily the channeling, but being able to make a living by doing something along the mystical/metaphysical lines. Of course, just as my last post says, I am trying, AGAIN, to do just that by starting yet another website. And I would really like it to be successful. I was just going to say something defeatist, but I won’t, because I am trying to remain positive. I am waiting to really get going until we get back from our Cleveland trip.

It’s kinda’ like what happened with the Templar coin I ordered. When I got that thing, that night (or maybe the night after?) I had this weird experience, was almost like a mini flashback, where I went to the bathroom, and in the paint texture on the wall behind the toilet, I saw all these impressions of a Templar Cross – kinda like the way a person sees shapes in clouds. It reminded me a bit of a time I tripped in Prescott and saw patterns everywhere I looked, although not quite as pronounced. Well, I thought maybe old relics, especially Templar ones, held some kind of key, so when I came across a medieval ring on an auction site that had a equilateral cross on it, just like a Templar one, and it was reasonably priced, I bid on it, and won, thinking maybe I would have a similar, or even more pronounced experience. The ring is really nice, especially since I cleaned it up, but there has been no profound experience.

And who knows – maybe I’m just being too greedy spiritually. I have a wonderful life – a great wife, good kids, I’m healthy, still able to work even with the pandemic, as is Debbie – I truly am blessed. But I can’t help the spiritual yearning, and it just seems like it will never be satisfied sometimes. I want a return to the “coin-incidence” magic, but without the drugs and instability. I feel like I have paid my dues, and it should be possible..? I have been trying to do everything I can think of to “help” it along – crystals, altar, jewelry, praying and meditating, etc. Not sure what more I could be doing. I feel like I am right on the cusp, but just can’t seem to break through that last little layer – yet.

Maybe when we get back from Cleveland, things will break loose, when I can dedicate more time and effort to the site. I hope so.

Sucker for punishment, or guy with real perseverance?

I guess that’s the question to be asked at this point, as I have created yet ANOTHER website in hopes of actually doing something. This one, I created with the primary intent of selling bracelets and perhaps some other stuff eventually. I built it on GoDaddy, have a blog on it, linked to the Tarot readings on Etsy, and am hoping to maybe actually start selling some stuff. Debbie had the idea of selling bracelets, and I tried to list them on Etsy, but they have all this restrictions in place for stuff that isn’t truly handmade. Now I know from having bought some bracelets myself from a wholesaler that a LOT of the items I see listed on Etsy as handmade sure look a LOT like the ones I bought. But I didn’t want to game the system, so I started looking into what it would take to create my own site. Little did I realize that the GoDaddy website builder I used to OUT has an option for an ecommerce site. I gave it a whirl, and voila! was born.

Honestly I think the site looks REALLY good – better than any of my previous sites. Was easy to list my first bracelet, layout is great – already lots of preconfigured widgets for selling – even automagically created an Outlook account for it. I’m really impressed with GoDaddy’s software. Looks like it will run me about $20/mo which isn’t bad at all. I changed the Facebook page just a little but, renamed it to The Eternal Temple to match up, and plan on eventually using it to advertise a little more. Once we get back from our trip to Cleveland to see the grandkids, I plan on promoting it on my personal Facebook page too. I don’t want to do that yet though, because we will be out of town for a week, and it would suck if some sales did come in while I was out! Lol.

I have accepted at this point that the site may not be any more successful than any of my other ones. I am ok with whatever happens. I enjoy working on it, and so for me, it is a hobby as much as anything. I am going into this one with literally no expectations. I do hope that a few people outside of family do at least see the site, as I think it it looks great. Even though GD does have templates all ready to go, there is still a lot of customizing to be done, from picking fonts and theme colors, to images, to adding/ordering of widgets, etc. And in respect to all of that, I think it’s truly awesome. I keep looking at it thinking “If I were to have come across this site, I would think it’s good!” Of course my tastes don’t necessarily match up with most people’s – I think that’s always been the rub. But Tessi and Emilee both said it looks good, and isn’t too wordy, so maybe that’s a good sign. Time will tell.

Like I said – I’m being patient for now. When I get back from Cleveland, I’m really going to start promoting it. Honestly, my dream would be to do enough sales that I could quit my job at SRP and do it full time. That would be awesome – to make a living doing something I love. But I would have to really do some sales to make that happen, because I make pretty good money at SRP. There is a part of me that is just a wee bit fearful too – wondering what would happen if, by some miracle, the site REALLY took off and I got bombarded with sales? How would I handle that? I was thinking I would just put everyone in the family, Debbie and all the kids, to work! Lol. Hey, it could happen. One thing is certain – my mom was right when she said “You’re a bull-headed little fucker!” haha. I’m not one to give up easily on my dream, and The Eternal Temple WILL reach its intended audience eventually!

Struggling a bit…

…to maintain serenity and happiness. Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me, and I was in a pretty rotten mood. The night before, Debbie and I got into a pretty heated exchange about the kids’ (Maddie and Bubbas) planned visit in a couple of weeks. I have been maintaining that I just don’t think it’s a good time for it now, and she has been expressing what she claims is disappointment, but comes off as anger towards me, at least in my opinion. So the day started off with a bit of a cloud hanging over it. Then, we had our IIMS Security dev meeting, and it was just me and Jerry since Paul has been really busy with OneWorkforce stuff and Joshua is still out sick with covid. And unfortunately, Jerry was back to his passive aggressive ways, suggesting that I had no time to help him, and making a few other little barbs about requirements, and just in that way that he does, his authoritarian “I need, I have to have, I, I, I.” Then, a little while after that, I got a FB notification that I had received a comment on one of my ET posts, by someone I didn’t know, and I was really excited, because it was the only the second one I had ever received (Tessi left one a few days back). But when I read the comment, it was some rant about advertising on Facebook, how the person didn’t appreciate their feed being filled up against his wishes, the “rubbish” of New Age, Tarot, crystals, etc. Yeah, it wasn’t nice. I immediately deleted it, though I wish I would have saved a copy. So yeah – between the kids visit pandemic issues and feeling like I’m the bad guy, Jerry’s wonderful attitude, and the letdown over the comment – not a good day.

Debbie called and we talked a little in the afternoon. She was concerned, so we chatted about what was going on. I told her then, and again last night, that I am not going to play “pandemic police” anymore. If she wants the kids to come out in a couple of weeks, that’s fine, I’m not going to say anything. If Kyrsten doesn’t want to wear a mask, anything else like that, I’m not saying a word. I’m done. I told her I feel like everyone sees me as the one to blame about not going to the wedding, and that I don’t want to be that person anymore. She says she doesn’t, and neither does anyone else, but I can’t shake the feeling that they do. So, I just don’t care anymore. Debbie can decide about where we go and don’t go, who comes to visit when, whatever. I’m tired of fighting about it. I don’t have a good feeling about the kids coming in 2 weeks, and I think it’s unconscionable that Megan would send them out here when Arizona is one of the worst places in the world for it, but then it’s Megan – pretty sure she and Scott are both Trumpers and don’t take the virus seriously anyway – obviously. And Debbie says she feels so bad for the kids, that they don’t get out, they’ve been looking forward to it so much, etc. I get all that, I just think the pandemic kinda overrides all that, but apparently, she doesn’t, even though she says she’s on the same page. But like I said – I’m done being the pandemic police. I just don’t care anymore – whatever happens happens.

And then there is Jerry… He hit me first thing this morning, saying “he wants” to show me something. Everything is always about what he wants, “I… I…” never “hey, if you have some time today, I would like to show you something.” No, no such politeness. I didn’t reply immediately, so he sends another message stating that he is going to tell Bob how impossible it is to get the data from D3 without anyone to help show him the structure, that he was hoping to show Paul and me first. Now, maybe I was too defensive, but to me, it sounded like “you and Paul aren’t helping me, so I’m telling Bob.” And, I snapped a bit. There is a screen capture of the whole conversation somewhere, but it boiled down to me telling him, “fine, tell Bob,” and explaining that we have all been directed to do OneWorkforce stuff FIRST, which I have been working on, as well as the Threat GIS stuff, as well as the electronic signature pad stuff. And, in his Jerry way, he starts firing back – “you’re going at this wrong, what is your problem?” And that’s where it left off.

This all brings me to a bigger point, an issue I am struggling with in almost every dimension of life: interacting with anti-maskers, Trumpers, trolls, people who don’t take it as seriously as I do, etc. And in every area of life – Facebook, work, articles, emails with the Banner buds. I’m just so tired of having to constantly deal with, whether personally in meetings at work, like listening to Bob yesterday talk about how uncomfortable masks are and telling me at the end of my one on one the other day how all the kids really need to get back into school, and how Sweden didn’t even do lockdown and look how good they are doing, to trolls on the FB pages of NOVA, Chris Martenson, etc. to articles like the one today about a meeting about kids wearing masks in Utah where a bunch of people showed up, not wearing masks, to protest wearing masks. I mean, this country is just so fucking STUPID it seems. Of course not everyone is, but enough to make it exhausting and depressing having to constantly deal with them.

And it’s not like it has no impact, like one could just say, “That sucks, but it doesn’t affect me, so…” No, this DOES directly affect ALL of us. Our trip to England was cancelled because of the pandemic, which can’t really be attributed to any of this. But then the trip to New York for the wedding was cancelled because of the quarantine they ordered for people coming from AZ, which WAS a result of all this idiocy. If people had been wearing masks here all along, if the governor had enacted a mandate or at least allowed cities to much earlier, we probably would never have had such a bad outbreak. The situation with the kids coming out – if the outbreak wasn’t so bad here, as a result of the idiot president, idiot governor and idiot Trumpers who refused to wear masks, it wouldn’t even be an issue – the kids could come without worry, things might be open that aren’t now, etc. So it does have a direct impact, on all of us. Now, the EU and England have pretty much completely banned citizens from the US because of how badly we are handling the pandemic – which could cause our trip, which we moved to the end of August, to be cancelled/moved AGAIN. See how this pattern is forming? These idiots are starting to fuck up not only my life, but a LOT of other people’s.

And these are just the luxury problems that have arisen. The harsher fact is, people are dying from this stuff – a 42 year old DJ who worked at Dierks Bentley, about a half mile from where we live, died on Sunday. A coworker, Josh, has been sick for 2 weeks with it. He is getting better, so I don’t think he will croak. Another coworker, someone from HR, has been in the hospital on a ventilator for a while. I haven’t heard anything lately, but it wasn’t sounding good for her. So it’s real, it’s sickening and killing people – and yet there are STILL a number of people out there supporting Trump, saying he’s doing a great job, protesting wearing masks, fighting to send kids back to school… it’s just unreal.

I go back to the thing I have though for so, so long: why the hell am I here? Either there is no God, no ultimate purpose or meaning, and I’m suffering through all of this unncessarily, caring

Still Waiting…

For that first REAL sale for my etsy shop. It’s hard to believe that after getting that first one so quickly, only to have it filch out, that it’s taking so long to get another one. Emilee said I should view it as a good thing, that I got that first one, because it can take a long time for that, and it provided a good test. I totally agree with that part. I guess I just thought that after putting all the additional work in – I created some new images for the carousel, updated the banner, renamed and linked the OUT Faebook page – I would drum up at least ONE sale. But nope, nothing yet. I swear sometimes it seems like everything I attempt in life that is centered around my dreams of what I would really love to do is just futile, no matter how much time, work, thought, inspiration I put into it. I keep thinking time after time after time, “Ok this might just work! This is really good! Certainly SOMEONE will appreciate this!” Only to be disappointed time after time after time. I mean, I really did put some thought and work into the OUT site, and there has just been nothing from it – nada.

And the Facebook page for Eternal Tempe (originally OUT) – I was good about posting something every day or 2, created nice images, etc. Nothing. A few people liked the page, but that’s about it. Added some listings from etsy, boosted them with FB advertising. Still nothing. I don’t for how long some people kept trying before they made it, but considering I got my first book of poems together at Willy’s house over 30 years ago, seems like I’ve put quite a bit of time in on and off over the years. I guess it’s just that people don’t want what I’m “selling,” which shouldn’t be surprising. I guess what keeps surprising me though is that I’ve always felt that at some point, that magical, “moment” is going to happen for me, and things are going to kick off – that all of the time, work and dreams I have put into this stuff will eventually be recognized by the Universe and will pay off. But maybe it’s just not meant to be in this life. Maybe that’s just not in the cards for me this go around. That’s sure what it feels like.

I am super grateful for Debbie, the kids, my health, my job, friends, sobriety, etc. I have so much to be grateful for that I guess in some sense it’s no biggie if any of this stuff ever pans. It would be especially devastating if I didn’t have anything else going in my life, but I do – I really do. So I am probably going to enter another “respite” period here soon. I’m getting tired of all this stuff, and need to just pull back and enjoy life as it is.

Etsy Shop! First Sale? Almost…

I’m bumming just a little bit at the moment, as I opened an Etsy shop last week – exciting stuff! – to sell some Tarot readings, and I thought I had my first sale yesterday. But it turns out the guy didn’t actually want a reading, was looking to purchase an actual card I think, which I assume he got somewhere else. In any case, I refunded his money, so the transaction is going actually end up costing me money, as there is a slight fee for refunds. So yyyeaahhhh… My first transaction ends up being a net negative one. Oh well. It was still exciting to have someone actually purchase one, and it lets me know that people can see the shop and are able to purchase stuff. So overall, I guess it’s a positive. But I’m still bummed out a little bit.

As so often happens with these things, it is EXTREMELY slow starting. I was hoping I would have at least one actual reading by now, and with that cancellation, I still haven’t done one for anyone. I ordered some bracelets from a wholesaler that I am going to list too, so maybe they will be a little more successful. And I know I need to be patient. I guess this is a dream of mine, to be able to make a living doing stuff I REALLY love, and seeing that it’s in my grasp, that it is a realistic possibility, makes it even tougher to accept the slowness. And I mean, it is extremely exciting just to think I have a shop now! I put some nice work into it, and Emilee, Tessi and Janelle all said it looks really nice. Debbie did too, but admitted that it’s not really her specialty lol. I had actually been concerned about what I would do if I got too busy, but so far, that has not been an issue.

So still I wait for my first actual purchase and real reading. And I remember how grateful I am to even have the opportunity. The shop was relatively easy to set up, and I am very happy with it. I have been looking for a “hobby” of sorts, and this will allow me to combine a bunch of them and possibly even make some income from it. So it is exciting, and I need to be grateful – and PATIENT!

Past Life reading

So I have been reading Jung’s autobiography and had an uncanny feeling that I might be him reincarnate – some of the ways he came to his views of God, truth, life – are just WAY too close to be by chance I think. So I took a little leap and ordered a past life reading from Etsy, honestly not expecting much at all. Was pleasantly surprised to receive something that sounds REALLY close to home. And no way she could have inferred that I was a Buddhist – only sent profile pic, no jewelry, paintings, etc in sight.

Past Life Reading:

Thank you for visiting! I am happy to hear from you! You have reincarnated quiet a few times. Your energy is a strong one I see. I see you in your energy form. Pure light, bright white with a blue hue. You are a peace keeper, a healer, a spiritual teacher and your purpose here is to share this. I see you have chosen reincarnations based off of different life lessons to achieve. Meaning you placed yourself where you can use your gifts and bring peace to the people the most. The people you help each lifetime needed you the most and you have always delivered and figured this out. Your young in your skin but your soul is another age. You have the young vibration because of your optimistic energy you have but the older soul lays within. You will reincarnate again in 4007. Many changes have occurred in the world and you are here to bring people back to their spirituality. The same thing occurred to you in a much earlier primitive reincarnation. You are born a leader, a teacher a scholar. You help others see the way to the light. The flashes I see are future , when I link it to your reincarnations, I am taken way back. This is around 5th century b.c. times. It looks like India. I keep seeing animals, especially elephants, wild life. You were part of a important revolution towards the creation of Buddhism. You taught dharma, which was a form of commandments. Rights and wrongs to the people. You provided noble truths and taught meditation was a form of soul release. I see you were a highly sought after leader in this field. Your words meant allot and you were help higher than others. Not worshiped per say but people found you to be important and in that time you dedicated your life to this. This was a purer reincarnation for you as no family was created. Your mother and father passed when you were a child. Good luck comes with interaction with you. You went through this reincarnation spreading the word and opening doorways to others that would have never opened without you. You followed Buddas teachings. You helped many many females that were down and out. Abused and unjust actions were upon them. You were a safe person to come to and would offer protection. This life was chosen by you in your energetic state. You were sent to bring others to the light. You are to bring others to the light in this lifetime also. Things get harder over time as people want things done now, hurry up and do it now. This is not how energy works as we know. You will become more challenged each life time with this but you succeed in all. You have a pull towards the paranormal and helping others be their best self’s and become one within their selves. This is a major gift you carry my dear. You are a very special soul and I thank you for allowing me to read you. Many blessings to you, namaste
p.s. You purchased at 1111 angle sign for light worker 🙂

I left spelling and other errors in there for honest representation. Honestly, makes me want to get another one now lol 😀