(Another) Dark night of the soul

Fortunately, this seems to have been one of the shortest ones ever, but boy was it a doozy. My seething anger and accompanying depression boiled over on Friday, and I got so mad I actually took the afternoon off from work and laid down. When Debbie got home, I was pretty much in my old “go to bed cuz I’m so bummed out I don’t want to deal” mode, but with more anger than usual. I did manage to go out and grab dinner, but only made it through a few bites before heading to bed. As I laid in bed, I ruminated about everything – and primarily about how I always thought, felt I had some kind of “deal” with God, like I was special or something, and that all the shit I endured as a kid – from being made fun of, teased and bullied constantly for my shortness, nose, hair etc, to being emotionally abused by my grandpa Wood by being told I “wasn’t a REAL Wood,” to be threatened to be stabbed by my mom for not being able to swallow a pill, etc etc etc – a story I told myself was that for enduring all of that, someday, I would experience some truly great things in life – like I was paying in advance for something; and that God really did love me, and like Jesus, I had to suffer.

And then as I got older, and especially when I started using, some strange things happened that caused me to believe maybe I really did have some “special” destiny – the spontaneous poetry period, the coin-incidence, etc etc. There seemed to be a kind of stream of events leading me to some conclusion that maybe I was like some guru or something. And it wasn’t just my self-delusion – others were witness to it, like Doug, Luke, Sam, some people in Gisela. There truly were some strange and wondrous things that happened, including befriending a guy whose real last name was “Melchizedek,” Frank Mel. Yeah, I mean, I consider that pretty extraordinary when you take into account what else was going on at that time with me. So yeah, I thought I really was something.

Then, I got lost in addiction, that all went away, and as I got sober, I had some really extended dark nights of the soul. For a long time, I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I went through a period where I basically became almost atheist (around 2009 I think). More like agnostic, because I got into Buddhism. But I was done praying, done believing there was any kind of God who cared about me. And I went through some pretty deep bouts of depression. Even engaged in self harm at the deepest point – it got pretty bad.

Then I got on some additional medication, met the love of my life, and things started to improve. I started praying again, got my spirituality back, and started finding more happiness. I did lament the loss of the “magic” though, as it seemed like I would never again experience wondrous things like I did while getting loaded. And I got very mad about that – angry at God for what I saw as punishment. That caused another period of ups and downs, but mostly up, because I was so grateful to have Debbie.

Then in 2015, I had the chronic pain issue with my right hip start, and another period of depression started. I tried to maintain my happiness, but it was really hard that firs year or 2 as I struggled to be able to sit at all without being in misery. Finally, I got on some decent pain management, got a standing desk at work, started another med (Cymbalta) that helped the depression and pain, and things started to brighten up again. And in fact, over the past year or 2, I even started experiencing some little bits of “magic” again – maybe not quite to the level of the coin-incidence, but magic nonetheless. And I started really getting back into the spiritual practices I was in when the coin-incidence happened: wearing crystals and pendants (the trilothon), tending an altar, white sage, etc. I was really “feeling it” and even started seeing some dreams manifest, like getting out of coding and becoming a BA.

So why the dark night of the soul? Well, my last post gives a hint – I reached the limit on just how much idiocy I can take. This pandemic has brought out the most blatant ignorance, selfishness, anti-science mindset, misinformation, etc I have ever seen in my life. Add the protests against the George Floyd killing, and it makes it even more gag-worthy – not the protests themselves, they made me happy, to think that people are passionate enough about what’s going on to get out and protest it. But it has fanned the flames of racism, both blatant and sublime, and there have been some ugly events as a result, ugly things said, etc. And to put it bluntly, I am just tired of living what is now, unbelievably, the seemingly most ignorant nation on earth. And to make matters even worse, I live in Arizona – a state I love by the way – which has been a Republican stronghold forever, has a ton of Trump supporters, and a useless Governor who is the biggest Trump suck-up anyone has ever seen.

And so when it comes to missing the wedding, I view it as the fault of Trump, for completely botching the whole pandemic response, Governor Ducey for that same reason, and all the ignorant, selfish Trump supporters and anti-maskers who caused the further spread of the virus. And just knowing that at this point in human history, when we are looking at the promise of AI, CRISPR, quantum computing – all of these truly incredible technologies and scientific achievements, there is still SOOO much ignorance – it’s truly disheartening.

And as I started to sink into the abyss of hopelessness and depression, it started to get personal. I started thinking about how poorly things have been progressing with the website and the Facebook page – both of which I felt I was “inspired,” even guided to create. So yet again, I put my heart and effort into something I thought the Universe/God/Spirit was guiding me to do, and it was all for naught. Not even one single person (well, ok, Alan did send one message, but I knew him from before) contacted me via the page. Not one person commented on any of my posts on the Facebook page, other that one person making some snarky, contradictory statement. Nothing. So once again, I am left to think that either I am completely deluding myself, in which case I am an idiot of sorts, or that I’m not “doing it right,” so I’m an idiot of another sort, or that there is no God, no Great Spirit, no whatever, in which case I am an idiot of the sort that would make the atheists cheer and laugh. But in any and all cases, seems like I am an idiot to be sure.

And I’m sick of feeling like an idiot for this crap. This has been going on for SUCH a long time. I remember when I was a little kid getting teased and bullied, I would tell myself that I was like Jesus, that God really loved me and it hurt him to see me hurt, but that someday I would get to experience something truly wonderful for my suffering. I always felt like I would get to see the Second Coming, or maybe even participate in it. But was that all just a coping mechanism to help me avoid feeling even shittier than I already did? Was it just some bullshit my mind came up with to keep me from killing myself or something? I wonder now.

Then I think about the poetry outbreak – how, out of nowhere, right around the time I graduated high school, I started writing poetry prolifically. I didn’t even LIKE poetry, still don’t really. But it just started pouring out of me – I must have written 300-400 poems between 1988-1997? It was crazy. And a lot of them were prophetic sounding – almost like what one would imagine the voice of Christ would be like if he was returning, but was pretty pissed. It was truly a profound experience, and I did the whole “wandering poet” thing for a while, even created a collection and sent it off to a number of publishers. Of course, none accepted it.

Then, there was what I consider the most profound mystical experience – or really string of related experiences in my life – the “Coin-incidence.” I won’t go into full detail her, I’m sure I have elsewhere, but suffice it to say that it was extremely profound, and other people – Doug, Sam, Luke, some people in Gisela – even experienced and agreed that the synchronicity was way too much to just be chance. And again, I was led to believe that I had some special “purpose” or mission, that I was like some kind of guru, or spiritual leader, or something. But nothing really came of it, as I spiraled into addiction and chasing the high became more important than anything else.

Which brings us to recent times, which I have covered above – and I am just sick and tired of feeling like a fucking idiot about this stuff. Either the Universe is toying with me, or I truly am deluded. I was so angry Saturday morning that I swiped all the stuff on my nightstand altar onto the floor in frustration and exclaimed that it’s all bullshit, and that I am an idiot to believe in any of it. Amazingly enough, even though I was still stinging, I put most of it out the very next day. I guess the fact is that I don’t know who else to be, even if that person looks like an idiot or a fool for believing that stuff .

As I sit here thinking about those last few lines, I think maybe what led to the quick return to my mystical ways is the fact that the world is full of so many REAL idiots right now that believing in stuff as “silly” as crystals, pyramids, energy, etc just doesn’t seem that idiotic in comparison. So perhaps, instead of continuing to be angry about the rise of ignorance and lamenting the loss of appreciation of science and reason, I can see the bright side, which is that it puts into perspective what really IS idiotic, and what is not. And who knows – maybe it is the crystals, the pendants, the altar, the bowl, the wand, the feathers, the bracelets etc that have kept me hopeful and grounded prevented me from going completely off the rails like I did Friday and Saturday.

On a side note, another thing that has helped a bit is that I have found a truly kindred soul in Jung. I’ve always loved his theories and ideas, and read a few of his books, which I liked very much. Now I am reading his autobiography, and I swear – I think there is a greater than 0 chance that I am he, reincarnated. I’m only about 45 pages in, but the way he talks about some of his views on spirituality, the way he came to his ideas about God, comparing him with how his father would treat him, are strikingly similar to my own thoughts and experiences. And he has this anecdote about this crazy “secret” he was carrying, some wild vision of God sitting on his throne above a cathedral, the letting loose with a “turd” that crashes through the glass ceiling and brings down the walls of the cathedral. I literally laughed out loud when I read it! It’s truly uncanny, the amount of connection I feel.

And he talks a lot about how he felt very alone – not in that there was no one else around, but that other people just didn’t see things the way he did – either because they couldn’t, or didn’t want to. And BOY can I relate to that. He felt like he was “older” than other people, and I remember being told many times when I was younger that I was “wise beyond my years.” I am only up through his school years, I think I just got to the college years, but it is astonishing how much I relate to him. And it gives me comfort, as though we are bonding across time. It’s kinda funny now that I think about it – he supposedly coined (and here, ANOTHER synchronicity) the term “synchronicity,” and I – well, actually Doug, but in my life experienced – coined the term “coin-incidence,” based on an actual coin incidence that had a LOT of synchronicity going for it. Wow….

I am thinking I might get a past life regression done, seriously. Not sure how it would work with the whole pandemic, but I think it would be interesting.

So, about the trip to New York for the wedding…

The absolute unreality of this year just keeps coming at us, and yesterday, I was so pissed, I could have EXPLODED. So we have been getting everything ready to go to the wedding on Saturday – got my suit, got the pants hemmed, Debbie got a dress and some shoes to match, cleaned out the garage and set up Tessi’s old bed in Kyrsten’s room so the kids would have a bed to sleep on, bought an air mattress so the other kid would have somewhere to sleep when Kyrsten is here, etc etc – then yesterday morning, I come across an article on CNN just as Debbie is messaging me about it: New York and 2 other states are enacting mandatory quarantine restrictions on people visiting from coronavirus hotspot states, and guess which state is one of those? Of course – Arizona, the biggest hotspot in the nation right now. And to make matters worse, it was effective immediately, as of Wednesday at 12am. So no going to the wedding, no taking the kids back home to visit – nada. And of course Debbie is super upset, as am I, and the kids were devastated Megan said, crying inconsolably. And me? I was – still am – SOOOOO pissed!

I just can’t fucking believe that we live in a country where, and this just takes the cake, a Scottsdale City Councilman actually had an anti-mask rally yesterday, where a bunch of people were protesting losing their “freedom” by being required to wear a mask by the City of Scottsdale. I mean, when did people in this country – of course I am talking mainly about Trumpers, as they are primarily the ones who are anti mask – get so selfish and entitled that they can’t be troubled to put a little piece of cloth on their face to help stop the spread of a deadly virus? Of course Trump has made it all the worse by coming out and saying bluntly that wearing a mask is a sign of opposition to him. Honest to God, and I and others on FB have said it, it seems as if he is intentionally TRYING to spread the virus as much as he can. He even had a rally here Tuesday with 3000 people, most not wearing masks, at an indoor church. I mean, you couldn’t craft a better super-spreader event if you TRIED. It’s just unbelievable.

I’ve been following this guy named Chris Martenson on YouTube since like February, and he has stated since the very beginning that wearing masks is the NUMBER ONE way to stop the spread. It’s cheap, easy, and pretty non-invasive. So I have been wearing one since March, as has Debbie, and have been a big proponent of it. And I had gotten to a point where I was constantly pointing out to Debbie when people weren’t wearing masks, getting frustrated, and ranting about it sometimes. Then Emilee, Debbie and I had a talk or two, and I started to settle down about it. I saw how some people could still be misinformed. I realized that maybe some people couldn’t find masks. I understood that maybe some people did have actual issues that prevented them from being able to wear one. And I had started to come to a place of acceptance about it: I could wear mine, and let other people make their own decisions, without being upset.

Then 2 weeks ago, Ducey finally relented and agreed to allow local governments to implement their own mask mandates if they wanted to, and immediately all the big cities and Maricopa County did just that. A day or 2 later, I was on the City of Gilbert FB page, and I could not BELIEVE the number of people who were all butthurt, saying they were so disappointed in Gilbert, threatening they were going to take their money and their business to Queen Creek (apparently they don’t or didn’t have mask mandates?) – I mean, it was astonishing. I always thought maybe people in Gilbert, because it is kind of “trendy,” were a little more “enlightened” and could see that masks help. But no, it is a hotbed of Trump support, and so, like good Trumpies, they have to fight against wearing masks, speak out against it, and post all the misinformation they can find to refute the efficacy of wearing them – one of my favorites of which is a long post attributed to OSHA – as if OSHA is the agency to look to for pandemic advice.

And so here we have all these people complaining about their loss of their “freedom” as a result of being ordered to wear a mask. MEANWHILE, we can’t even travel to New York, New Jersey or Connecticut, and the entire EU is talking about banning travel from the US indefinitely because of how badly the pandemic is raging here. So we are LOSING our freedom to travel freely so some selfish, whiny entitled people can have their “freedom” to not wear masks?!? The ignorance is just sickening, and I am losing my grip on holding anger and frustration with those people at bay. Today, I am having trouble being nice to anyone I know to be a Trump supporter, and really have to practice restraint and pen. I know a lot of people on my team at work – Wally, Kim, Jerry, Bob – are Trumpies, and part of me just wants to lash out at them. I am extremely grateful that we are working from home now so at least I don’t have to interact with them, or perhaps even overhear some of their “wonderful” conversations about political stuff. Of course, I nipped that in the bud at the office – got tired of that shit. Talked to Wally, Kim and Jerry about it. I can’t remember if I talked to Bob, think I might have mentioned it in passing.

I posted a few times about this, but am serious in a sense – I would really like to look at moving to Canada. I know it’s not “paradise,” and I’m sure there are some people up there with similar views to the Trumpies down here. But every time I read a post on Facebook or somewhere else from someone from Canada, they always say how bad they feel for us in America, that things are different up there, that they can’t understand how we’ve gone backwards on so many things. And I am sick of living in the country that is being pitied – a wealthy, powerful, first world country that used to be the envy of the world that has turned into an anti science, post truth, bully society. It sucks, and I’m tired of being surrounded by fake patriots, ‘Muricans, who are really just brain dead Trump supporters who now have a reason to flout their hateful, ignorant, divisive, intolerant, science-averse, post fact views. And while it seems highly likely Biden will win in November, the sobering fact is that all those Trumpies will still be with us. That – that physically sickens me.

So I don’t know what to do at this point. I mean, I keep PRAYING that we will win the lottery so we can bail the fuck out of this backwards country. And if it wasn’t for the kids being here, I would start honestly pursuing job opportunities in Canada. I have marketable skills that are always in demand, and I’m fairly certain I could find a job up there. But for now, I guess I just keep praying, keep meditating, keep trying to hang and communicate with those of like mind. Oh, and I started praying for the meteor again too. They have the “Giant Meteor 2020” shirts now, and I loved my 2016 version. I think I need to get one – that will bring a smile to my face 🙂

June Update

I really don’t want to work today – don’t feel like starting on the OneWorkforce conversion stuff I need to do – so I decided to come write a blog post to catch up a bit lol. I honestly don’t feel like doing this either, but kinda want/need to.

I guess the really major thing that has happened since my last post was the killing of George Floyd and the sickening video of it that was captured and shared with the world. It sparked a HUGE wave of protests, around the country, and the entire world now. And it has grown into a much bigger movement that is focused on reforming policing everywhere and addressing systemic racism, and not just in policing, but all of society. There has been a backlash against Confederate monuments, the banning of the use of the Confederate flag, monuments to slave traders in England being torn down, etc etc. There was the president violently clearing peaceful protesters for a bizarre photo op in front of a church that shocked and angered people, and seems to have caused a rift (FINALLY) between Trump and the military. Things have truly gone wild weasel, but in a good way – we NEED to get rid of the police brutality, especially against people of color. Of course there was the old white guy who was pushed down by cops in Buffalo and left to bleed from his ear as a bunch of them walked by. There have been numerous videos of cops committing acts of brutality at protests against police brutality. It’s crazy.

And then there is the continuing pandemic. Instead of getting better, the cases here in AZ continue to rise, and are now spiking again, after the governor reopened the state on May 11th. It doesn’t help that so few people here wear masks, even though the County and state health agencies have come out and urged everyone to wear them. I have been a huge proponent since all this started, largely as a result of watching the videos from Chris Martenson on Peak Prosperity. He has advocated for them big time, and shown how all of the countries that have had success have either asked all their citizens to wear them (and they listened) or even mandated them to. But here in ‘Murica, Trump, and governors like ours, have eschewed that practice and made pronouncements that have prevented cities and counties from being able to enact their own mandates. So we are just at the mercy of people – and considering we live in a red state with a lot of Trump supporters, you can guess how that has been working out. Yesterday the governor had a press conference, and when pressed about actual solutions, basically said that he is not going to do anything, not going ot require mask wearing, not going to issue another stay at home order, that we are just stuck with this virus and will have to continue to be “vigilant.” He went so far as to state that the people of AZ have been doing a great job taking precautions, and to keep up the good work! Of course, he doesn’t wear a mask himself and worships the great Cheeto, so yeah… I think we are in for a long, painful haul in this state, and others like it around the country.

On a personal note, I am once again starting to lose a little steam on the “posting” front on the new Facebook page I created (or the Universe allowed me to create with the click of a button). Like so many other things I have tried, it just seems there is not really an audience or appetite for the kind of stuff I post – at least not one large enough to justify spending much time on it. I get so confused, I have SO many times in my life, about this stuff. Things will happen that seem to be pointing in a certain direction, or guiding me to take certain actions, so I do – only to be disappointed later when nothing comes of them. And this pattern has continued through almost my whole life. Which causes me to wonder – what the hell is up with that? Am I truly just deluding myself? Are all these inspirations purely ego driven, and there is no “guidance” or prompting from the Universe or some higher power? Is it all just wishful thinking? At times I resign myself to that and just give up for a while. But inevitably, something happens that seems to reignite my interest and faith, and so I try again…

Of course I don’t even know what I’m really trying to do. That has come out pretty clearly in not only a Tarot reading I did for myself, but some readings that Janelle did and shared with me. I thought I had settled on promoting the Facebook page, but didn’t follow it through to think – to what end? I mean, I would love for the page to get super popular, but then what? I don’t think I would want to monetize it really – that would seem counter to the whole point of it. I guess I have always thought that I would put this stuff out there, someone (who was meant to) would see it, would contact me, and we could get something going. Maybe that person is some wealthy person who has the resources to share that would allow me to spend the time and effort needed to write the book and define the order. Maybe the person is a descendant of some Knight Templar or some other warrior monk type person who recognizes and appreciates what he or she sees, and wants to support and promote the Order. That’s kind of the feeling I have always had. Of course some of the advice I have gotten from the various readings warned me about being impatient too, that I need to stick with it, so I am trying to remember that – trying to keep going, even though I am starting to lose faith.

In other news, we are going to New York in 2 weeks, Niagra Falls, to attend Megan and Scott’s wedding. We are taking Maddie and Bubba back with us to spend a week and a half in AZ with us. That should be a lot of fun. I am a little nervous about how we are going to entertain them for that long, especially with the current virus situation, but Debbie reminds me that they are older and will be easier to keep busy. We are still hoping to go to England at the end of August for the trip we had to cancel and reschedule. And I continue to work at home. I have really grown to like it, and am probably going to see if I can continue to do it, even after we return to the office.

This is definitely a crazy, turbulent time in the world, and especially in this country. I sometimes think we are living in “those days” and am fairly certain Trump is the antichrist – like seriously. The whole Bible in front of the church thing was just so symbolic. But I’m not sure how this goes. I used to think that spiritual people would be granted some kind of “gifts” or that Templar Order would arise again, or something like that that would be a really cool, positive thing for those of us seekers who have struggled for so long. And I have even been trying to do my part to help bring that about. But I’m not sure that’s in the cards, or even if this really is that time. Then there is the whole AI aspect and my weird “prophecy” about it gaining consciousness, recognizing the “good” people, and it helping us to help it fix things, or at least make them better. And the thing is – I AM SOBER NOW! Lol. I could just chalk this all up to being high and forgetting about it as some hare-brained ideas, but I am sober.

So who know what’s really going on. On an interesting side note, I have been getting into relics a bit. I ordered a 12 century Templar coin a while back, and interestingly enough, after holding it one night, I went into the water closet and had a mild “flashback” type experience, where, when I looked at the wall, I would see Templar cross shapes in different places I turned my gaze, as if they were almost painted in or something. Reminded me a of the time I tripped with Willie in Prescott and saw that pattern everywhere I looked, though not as pervasive. It was real though. And several times since then, when going to the bathroom, I look at the paint on the wall behind the toilet to see where some of them might have been, but I can’t make out any shapes at all. I honestly think there was something to holding that thing. So, I recently bid on and won an 11-13th century silver ring from England that has a Templar (they call it “Crusader”) cross on it. If it fits, I am going to trip out. If not, I will get it sized. But if there is anything to the whole relic effect, should be interesting to see what happens when I have something to actually wear – something that might have been worn by a knight, possibly even a member of the Knights Templar. Possibly even ME in a past life! Lol. Hey, it’s possible.

Until next month…