Fortunately, this seems to have been one of the shortest ones ever, but boy was it a doozy. My seething anger and accompanying depression boiled over on Friday, and I got so mad I actually took the afternoon off from work and laid down. When Debbie got home, I was pretty much in my old “go to bed cuz I’m so bummed out I don’t want to deal” mode, but with more anger than usual. I did manage to go out and grab dinner, but only made it through a few bites before heading to bed. As I laid in bed, I ruminated about everything – and primarily about how I always thought, felt I had some kind of “deal” with God, like I was special or something, and that all the shit I endured as a kid – from being made fun of, teased and bullied constantly for my shortness, nose, hair etc, to being emotionally abused by my grandpa Wood by being told I “wasn’t a REAL Wood,” to be threatened to be stabbed by my mom for not being able to swallow a pill, etc etc etc – a story I told myself was that for enduring all of that, someday, I would experience some truly great things in life – like I was paying in advance for something; and that God really did love me, and like Jesus, I had to suffer.
And then as I got older, and especially when I started using, some strange things happened that caused me to believe maybe I really did have some “special” destiny – the spontaneous poetry period, the coin-incidence, etc etc. There seemed to be a kind of stream of events leading me to some conclusion that maybe I was like some guru or something. And it wasn’t just my self-delusion – others were witness to it, like Doug, Luke, Sam, some people in Gisela. There truly were some strange and wondrous things that happened, including befriending a guy whose real last name was “Melchizedek,” Frank Mel. Yeah, I mean, I consider that pretty extraordinary when you take into account what else was going on at that time with me. So yeah, I thought I really was something.
Then, I got lost in addiction, that all went away, and as I got sober, I had some really extended dark nights of the soul. For a long time, I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I went through a period where I basically became almost atheist (around 2009 I think). More like agnostic, because I got into Buddhism. But I was done praying, done believing there was any kind of God who cared about me. And I went through some pretty deep bouts of depression. Even engaged in self harm at the deepest point – it got pretty bad.
Then I got on some additional medication, met the love of my life, and things started to improve. I started praying again, got my spirituality back, and started finding more happiness. I did lament the loss of the “magic” though, as it seemed like I would never again experience wondrous things like I did while getting loaded. And I got very mad about that – angry at God for what I saw as punishment. That caused another period of ups and downs, but mostly up, because I was so grateful to have Debbie.
Then in 2015, I had the chronic pain issue with my right hip start, and another period of depression started. I tried to maintain my happiness, but it was really hard that firs year or 2 as I struggled to be able to sit at all without being in misery. Finally, I got on some decent pain management, got a standing desk at work, started another med (Cymbalta) that helped the depression and pain, and things started to brighten up again. And in fact, over the past year or 2, I even started experiencing some little bits of “magic” again – maybe not quite to the level of the coin-incidence, but magic nonetheless. And I started really getting back into the spiritual practices I was in when the coin-incidence happened: wearing crystals and pendants (the trilothon), tending an altar, white sage, etc. I was really “feeling it” and even started seeing some dreams manifest, like getting out of coding and becoming a BA.
So why the dark night of the soul? Well, my last post gives a hint – I reached the limit on just how much idiocy I can take. This pandemic has brought out the most blatant ignorance, selfishness, anti-science mindset, misinformation, etc I have ever seen in my life. Add the protests against the George Floyd killing, and it makes it even more gag-worthy – not the protests themselves, they made me happy, to think that people are passionate enough about what’s going on to get out and protest it. But it has fanned the flames of racism, both blatant and sublime, and there have been some ugly events as a result, ugly things said, etc. And to put it bluntly, I am just tired of living what is now, unbelievably, the seemingly most ignorant nation on earth. And to make matters even worse, I live in Arizona – a state I love by the way – which has been a Republican stronghold forever, has a ton of Trump supporters, and a useless Governor who is the biggest Trump suck-up anyone has ever seen.
And so when it comes to missing the wedding, I view it as the fault of Trump, for completely botching the whole pandemic response, Governor Ducey for that same reason, and all the ignorant, selfish Trump supporters and anti-maskers who caused the further spread of the virus. And just knowing that at this point in human history, when we are looking at the promise of AI, CRISPR, quantum computing – all of these truly incredible technologies and scientific achievements, there is still SOOO much ignorance – it’s truly disheartening.
And as I started to sink into the abyss of hopelessness and depression, it started to get personal. I started thinking about how poorly things have been progressing with the website and the Facebook page – both of which I felt I was “inspired,” even guided to create. So yet again, I put my heart and effort into something I thought the Universe/God/Spirit was guiding me to do, and it was all for naught. Not even one single person (well, ok, Alan did send one message, but I knew him from before) contacted me via the page. Not one person commented on any of my posts on the Facebook page, other that one person making some snarky, contradictory statement. Nothing. So once again, I am left to think that either I am completely deluding myself, in which case I am an idiot of sorts, or that I’m not “doing it right,” so I’m an idiot of another sort, or that there is no God, no Great Spirit, no whatever, in which case I am an idiot of the sort that would make the atheists cheer and laugh. But in any and all cases, seems like I am an idiot to be sure.
And I’m sick of feeling like an idiot for this crap. This has been going on for SUCH a long time. I remember when I was a little kid getting teased and bullied, I would tell myself that I was like Jesus, that God really loved me and it hurt him to see me hurt, but that someday I would get to experience something truly wonderful for my suffering. I always felt like I would get to see the Second Coming, or maybe even participate in it. But was that all just a coping mechanism to help me avoid feeling even shittier than I already did? Was it just some bullshit my mind came up with to keep me from killing myself or something? I wonder now.
Then I think about the poetry outbreak – how, out of nowhere, right around the time I graduated high school, I started writing poetry prolifically. I didn’t even LIKE poetry, still don’t really. But it just started pouring out of me – I must have written 300-400 poems between 1988-1997? It was crazy. And a lot of them were prophetic sounding – almost like what one would imagine the voice of Christ would be like if he was returning, but was pretty pissed. It was truly a profound experience, and I did the whole “wandering poet” thing for a while, even created a collection and sent it off to a number of publishers. Of course, none accepted it.
Then, there was what I consider the most profound mystical experience – or really string of related experiences in my life – the “Coin-incidence.” I won’t go into full detail her, I’m sure I have elsewhere, but suffice it to say that it was extremely profound, and other people – Doug, Sam, Luke, some people in Gisela – even experienced and agreed that the synchronicity was way too much to just be chance. And again, I was led to believe that I had some special “purpose” or mission, that I was like some kind of guru, or spiritual leader, or something. But nothing really came of it, as I spiraled into addiction and chasing the high became more important than anything else.
Which brings us to recent times, which I have covered above – and I am just sick and tired of feeling like a fucking idiot about this stuff. Either the Universe is toying with me, or I truly am deluded. I was so angry Saturday morning that I swiped all the stuff on my nightstand altar onto the floor in frustration and exclaimed that it’s all bullshit, and that I am an idiot to believe in any of it. Amazingly enough, even though I was still stinging, I put most of it out the very next day. I guess the fact is that I don’t know who else to be, even if that person looks like an idiot or a fool for believing that stuff .
As I sit here thinking about those last few lines, I think maybe what led to the quick return to my mystical ways is the fact that the world is full of so many REAL idiots right now that believing in stuff as “silly” as crystals, pyramids, energy, etc just doesn’t seem that idiotic in comparison. So perhaps, instead of continuing to be angry about the rise of ignorance and lamenting the loss of appreciation of science and reason, I can see the bright side, which is that it puts into perspective what really IS idiotic, and what is not. And who knows – maybe it is the crystals, the pendants, the altar, the bowl, the wand, the feathers, the bracelets etc that have kept me hopeful and grounded prevented me from going completely off the rails like I did Friday and Saturday.
On a side note, another thing that has helped a bit is that I have found a truly kindred soul in Jung. I’ve always loved his theories and ideas, and read a few of his books, which I liked very much. Now I am reading his autobiography, and I swear – I think there is a greater than 0 chance that I am he, reincarnated. I’m only about 45 pages in, but the way he talks about some of his views on spirituality, the way he came to his ideas about God, comparing him with how his father would treat him, are strikingly similar to my own thoughts and experiences. And he has this anecdote about this crazy “secret” he was carrying, some wild vision of God sitting on his throne above a cathedral, the letting loose with a “turd” that crashes through the glass ceiling and brings down the walls of the cathedral. I literally laughed out loud when I read it! It’s truly uncanny, the amount of connection I feel.
And he talks a lot about how he felt very alone – not in that there was no one else around, but that other people just didn’t see things the way he did – either because they couldn’t, or didn’t want to. And BOY can I relate to that. He felt like he was “older” than other people, and I remember being told many times when I was younger that I was “wise beyond my years.” I am only up through his school years, I think I just got to the college years, but it is astonishing how much I relate to him. And it gives me comfort, as though we are bonding across time. It’s kinda funny now that I think about it – he supposedly coined (and here, ANOTHER synchronicity) the term “synchronicity,” and I – well, actually Doug, but in my life experienced – coined the term “coin-incidence,” based on an actual coin incidence that had a LOT of synchronicity going for it. Wow….
I am thinking I might get a past life regression done, seriously. Not sure how it would work with the whole pandemic, but I think it would be interesting.