I’ve noticed over the last year or 2 that when I take Cooper for a walk, there is this little hummingbird that seems to live in or near an orange tree down by the lakes. I love seeing him (or her, I don’t know really lol) so I started trying to mimic his little sounds he makes to “call” him. I’ve noticed a number of times that he will show up when I do so, and it’s really cool. I do feel like I am communicating with him, and it warms my heart.

Last night, I didn’t see him at all down by the lakes and was a little disappointed as I always am when I don’t see him. But as was getting closer to home, a thought popped into my head that maybe he would show up as I got closer to the house…? Lo and behold, as I opened the gate to throw Cooper’s doozlebaum away, there he was hovering right there above that little area! I was so stoked, I started making my little sounds, and flitted around a few times, hovering and looking at me, then flew off. It was so cool! It was like a real connection, on another level. It brought a joy to my heart that I can’t even describe.

And while it might sound silly, I thought to myself – that is what magic REALLY is: that interconnectedness – that true oneness. There is nothing like it – it truly is magical. And when I thought about it before going to sleep last night, it brought tears to my eyes. I’ve always felt like, at some time, perhaps in another time, in another life, I knew that connectedness – I experienced it, and have LONGED for it all my life. Not as one who wants it, but as one who had it, and lost it.

So who knows. All this pining for magic, all this wishing, hoping and praying – maybe it is returning. Maybe I am starting to experience it, in the way that is unique to me – my magic. I think everyone probably has their own manifestation, with some commonalities I’m sure. That’s kind of what I am getting out of the book on Shamanism that I am reading: each shaman, each clan or tradition, has their own “spin” on things. And while there are some common themes, there is no one methodology or version. And perhaps that’s how it is with magic. Now that I think about it, I remember thinking that if I could have one magical ability, communicating with animals or healing would probably be the top 2 contenders. Wow… my little buddy really has me thinking – hmmmm… 🙂

That’s basically what I just did – I killed it all: The Eternal Temple, The OUT, the Etsy shop – all of them, dead. Deleted. I did my best, and I guess my best wasn’t good enough, cuz here we are back where we started from. The times they keep changin’, my plans are rearrangin’, but I’ve had enough of that shit! Lol. Nothing to take the edge off like a song. The funny, well not really funny, sad really, thing is that no one will probably even notice. Never did get an actual sale from the Etsy shop. Was crazy – got that one just a few days after opening it, then the guy ended up not actually wanting a reading. Refunded his money – poof. Literally nothing after that. A few people “favorited” it. And as far as the Eternal Temple website, nada there either. Oh well, at least I didn’t go overboard buying “stock” to sell. I have some bracelets I can give as gifts.

I’ve been into the whole “shaman” study thing lately, reading about it, watching what few (decent) videos there are on it. I finally found some that WEREN’T about ayahuasca. Seems like when a lot of people talk of shamanism, it’s really about taking that stuff and tripping. No want that part of it. I even emailed a guy from ASU who published a paper about, and he seemed to almost take offense, suggesting that it was fine for addicts to take it, and it is even used for addiction therapy in some settings. That’s all fine and dandy for some, no judging, but homey ain’t gonna’ play that. I know myself TOO well. One thing leads to another, and I will want to be tweaking. Fortunately, in Siberia, where the term “shaman” actually comes from, they induce the trance state using drumming and singing – no drugs. So there are ways other than psychedelics to achieve it. And I don’t even know that I would want to be an actual shaman – I’m just interested in the phenomenon and learning more about it academically.

I watched a video on YouTube, and interview of a French guy named Paul DeGryse, and I loved what he had to say about his “brand” of it, called Toltec Shamanism. He mentions that he was a little averse to using the drums and chanting, that it seemed like appropriation of rituals that didn’t really pertain to his culture (European). So he came up with a system that didn’t use any of that, or psychedelics from what I could gather. I was eager to read some of his books. One small problem – none of them are translated into English, French only. I actually emailed him about it because i really wanted to check some out. But he said that there are no translations at this point, and it sounds like his editor isn’t working too hard to get any out anytime soon. I even looked a bit to see if there was something I could do to get one made, haven’t really found anything. He said he would keep in touch, so who knows.

So I’m basically where I have been for several years – looking for that next step, that next mentor or teacher, that next initiation, that next opportunity. I did discover a book just today that I am REALLY looking forward to reading called “Synchronicity (some subtitle lol).” It’s brand new, just came out, I learned about it through one of the quantum physics email alerts I get. Supposedly it tells the story of Wolfgang Pauli’s interactions with Carl Jung and their conversations about causality, consciousness, and cool stuff like that. I can’t wait to read it. I have make myself finish the book I am reading now first, “Siberian Shamanism and the Western Imagination.” It’s more of an academic, historical look at shamanism in Siberia, which I thought might be dry, but I am actually enjoying it.

In the (un)real world, things are going great. We traded in the Sonata on a new Nissan Rogue, which I LOVE – way more comfortable seats, bomb diggity stereo, climate control. I was really grateful Debbie was even open to looking at one. Financially, the abundance continues, super grateful for that. And the kids, other than Emilee, all seem to be doing well. Even had Galen, Tess and Alex over for pizza the other night, and it was wonderful. Emilee, she has some kind of stomach/gas/constipation issues she’s been experiencing for a while. It seems it’s always something with her – at least when she isn’t in college. She was doing so well then. Sigh.

Anyhoo, life really is good. I wish there was a little more mysticism/spirituality/magic, but then maybe there is, and I’m just not appreciating it. I am really happy, and that is magical indeed 🙂

So we got back from Cleveland Sunday, had an awesome trip. The weather was fantastic, and everything worked out perfectly – got to do everything we had planned, with almost no issues at all. Everything just fell into place. We ended up moving to a suite at the hotel after the second night, and it was perfect. And we had so much fun with the kids – they behaved so well. I just can’t say enough about how perfectly everything worked out. Even though I was hesitant about going, and still don’t think it’s something that should be encouraged – going on an out of state vacay during a pandemic – I am so glad we went, and it was wonderful to spend time with the little stinkers again.

I realized something while we were out of town – I am starting to lose steam again as far as the website, tarot readings, bracelet sales thing goes. I’m even losing some interest in Facebook. I’m not really bummed our or anything – just feeling a complete lack of inspiration. Who knows – maybe it’s just a side effect of being on vacation, and I will get inspired again. But for now, I’m just kind of “meh” about everything. I am looking forward to making a new pendant from a piece of spirit quartz I ordered just before we left for vacay. And it was neat what happened when I put it on my altar. I had set it down, and was picking up my Templar coin to move it, when I dropped it. It hit the top of the dresser, rolled, hit the spirit quartz, and came to rest just under the point of it – no kidding. It was one of those cool, synchronistic events that communicated some really cool meaning on a higher level. So yeah, I’m excited to wear it.

Continuing with the “losing steam” theme, I was thinking last night that I am going to do the “Office Space” thing regarding the website. blogging, posting on FB, Tarot – all of that stuff really. I am just going to kick back and not really do anything. I will continue to pray, meditate, read, tend my altar, etc. But I am going to quit trying so hard on that other stuff, and just let things happen. I was just thinking about that Mother Theresa prayer, and how it might apply to spirituality and spiritual practices just as well as the other stuff – it’s not really between me and anyone else anyway – it’s between me and my Higher Power. I’ve spent so much time over my lifetime trying to interest or inspire or gather others, trying to find a way to make a living as a “mystic,” and it has always seemed like 99.7% of people just weren’t really that interested honestly. I though perhaps I could sell bracelets as a way of doing something a little more mundane, and “sneak in” some Spiritual truth, and that may still happen. But the fact is, maybe that stuff is just for me, my Spirit, and my HP. Maybe I need to be a little more self-directed, focus on making spiritual progress myself, and forget about it in regards to other people for a while.

I have been reading Karl Jung’s quasi autobiography, and I think that is inspiring me to view it that way as well. He came to a similar conclusion over the course of his lifetime from what he says, that most people just aren’t interested in the truly deeper questions, and he fashioned himself a bit of a loner. I like to think of myself as a friendly person, but ultimately, I am a loner of sorts too, because there are very few people that share my passion and desire for spiritual/psychic/metaphysical development. And contrary to what I might have thought when I got sober, it wasn’t just the drugs that made me that way. I do think they may have enhanced some aspects of it, and probably led to some experiences that might not have happened without me and those who were around me for them being under the influence. But I read this cool scientific paper on the way back from Cleveland about Magic (one of those Academia things) and so much of it resonated with me. One of the things it talked about was how the shamans believed that everyone who was present had to be a true believer, or else the magic would not work. If even one person had doubt, they would refuse to do anything.

And I think that’s why those things happened when I was using: I and the people around me, we were high, so our doubts were suspended a bit, the logical mind was taking a back seat to the subconscious mind, just enough so the magic could manifest. And maybe I can work on myself, on ridding myself of any doubt at all, and finding practices that will fulfill those yearnings and desires I have for magic and miracles to manifest. Perhaps that is what all of this is about – working from home, I am insulated from the thoughts, doubts, energies of other people, and can create the atmosphere, the aura necessary. Now, I just have to find some practices I can do that I don’t think are “corny.” That seems to be the obstacle right now. Whenever I study such “magical practices,” they always seem a bit silly to me – I am very skeptical. I think I will put some thought energy out there, set an intention to discover practices that fit me well so I can start moving further along the path.