The Big 5 O

Well, today is the big day – I officially turn half a century old. Wow… I remember when I was younger thinking that 50 is officially “old” lol. Someone in their 40’s was still working their way through middle age. But 50? No, you’re getting old when you’re 50. And so here I am!

I guess if there is a good thing, it’s that I don’t feel old at all. Sure, I have some aches and pains that I didn’t when I was younger (some pain in my left upper back that has been bugging me for a while), but then who doesn’t? And I know even the kids, Tess especially, have complained about back pain, so it’s not like THAT makes me old. And physically, I am in some of the best shape of my life. I work out 3 days a week, am taking vitamin C and magnesium, been holding at 144 pounds for about a month now – feeling good about where I am physically.

And mentally, I am definitely in the best shape I have ever been in. Over the last couple of years, I have finally achieve a level of lasting contentment and peace, even happiness, that I didn’t even think possible. I was going to mention the fact that I do take medication for depression and anxiety, Lamotrigine and Cymbalta (generics), and so I’m sure they help. But the fact is, I know from experience all the medication does it make it POSSIBLE to be happy – it doesn’t make a person happy. That takes work, and patience, and grace, and support and all kinds of stuff other than medication. So yes, there is the medication. But the happiness I have been experiencing has been hard won – and wonderful. It’s been so long since I was severely depressed… something that was always a looming possibility, even in the best of times.

Having said that, I did get into a little bit of a funk last night, had a hard time falling asleep. I was doing a bit of a life review, thinking about how idealistic I used to be, how I thought I was put here for some truly greater purpose, how that thought morphed over time, and where I am now with that. Funny, the song that just came on (not the song itself, but the subject matter), “Hallucinogenics” actually reminds me that part of what brought up some of my disillusionment was a post someone made on Facebook the other day about DMT, how people can use it to contact other “entities” and how some believe those entities are real – like other dimensional beings, or spirit guides, or ETs or something. It made me regret a little bit that I never got to try it, and that now that I’m sober, I would never even try it – even though someone else who posted mentioned he has 7 years and takes it, thinks there’s nothing wrong with doing it in sobriety. For me, the danger was – is – always, that I get a taste of that “other reality” and have a real issue coming back to, being stuck in, this one. So who knows, maybe it’s better I never did that stuff. It would be really cool to have the experience of actually meeting entities like that maybe, and I would certainly like to ask them some questions, but then who knows – maybe I can/do that in other ways.

But anyhoo, I got off track a bit, those dang hallucinogenics! I went back over different experiences and thoughts I had, things I learned – about myself and other things – realizations I came to, things people told me, discoveries made, etc and it really did seem like there was a thread of something going through my life indicating that I had some inherent ability to act as a kind of priest, prophet, monk, mystic – something. It would be one thing if I just thought that stuff. But many more times that once, people have experienced things with me, or I with them, that just seemed to be “beyond” ordinary. It seems like it used to happen more frequently when I was younger and still “wandering,” but it does still happen. Just yesterday, Silly and I were walking Cooper and out of nowhere, I thought about Janelle, that I really should touch bases and see how she’s doing. Lo and behold, an hour or 2 later, I checked my email to find an email from her. So I know the connectivity/flow/Energy/Spirit is real, whether I am high or not. For me now, it’s trying to reconcile those very strong spiritual longings with the “real” world. But what do I mean for me now – that’s been the rub my whole life! Lol. The difference now is that I have learned, through time and experience, to balance having a life in this world and being a responsible citizen with being a practicing mystic.

Speaking of “practicing,” I did a Tarot reading on “what time is it, really” last week, and it was pretty interesting. A little difficult to interpret, but then my question was a little fuzzy – was wondering what time it is as far as the spiritual world intersecting with this one – like are we really in “those days” or not? At first, I was a bit disappointed with the reading, but as I have pondered it over the past few days and brushed up on my Tarot knowledge, it has started to speak to me more. I am planning on doing a birthday reading today to see what advice my spirit guides/mentors/beneficial celestials/ascended masters/the Universe/Spirit have for me right now. I thought a few months ago that this pandemic was IT, that we were witnessing the start of the return of the Christ Consciousness. And maybe we are. And I don’t even know what difference it would make honestly. I just want to ensure I make the most of my time for spiritual preparation and development, no matter what time it is.

All in all, I am very, very grateful. I got the chance to do the whole “wandering poet/mystic” thing for a good part of my life, to descend into the dark side of addiction, the miracle of achieving freedom from that bondage, and the opportunity to not only start over again, but to launch into life and achieve a place in society that puts me at least equal to most of my peers. What a miracle. And on top of that, I have the one thing I prayed for most – a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman to share my life, and a wonderful family as well. And as Janelle said in her reply this morning – it’s not over yet, and there’s still time to make big things happen in that’s in the cards. So here’s to another 50 years of miracles – thank you God…