I was going to write a post, but I don’t even know where to start. To the title – tonight is the “Great Conjunction” – Jupiter and Saturn have been getting closer and closer in the night sky, and will be at the closest they have been in over 800 years tonight. When we went over to Mom and John’s a couple of weeks ago for a Christmas celebration with them and the kids, I took home a telescope as part of the stuff they were trying to get rid of. It was missing the eyepiece, and based on some internet research I did, I was convinced it was cheap and might not work well. But it reawakened my astronomical interests, and I wanted one for the conjunction, so I found one on craigslist for $100 and bought it – an 80mm refractor. It worked fairly well, but the mount was pretty shaky, and I was convinced I would probably want to get another one before too long. But since I now had some eyepieces (it came with 2) I thought, “Why not get out the one I got from Mom and John and throw an eyepiece on it, just to check it out?” So I brought it out back, set it up, put an eyepiece on it and lo and behold, it worked wonderfully! I mean, I was surprised how much easier it was to move on the mount, and the view was clearer, bigger field of vision. Just better altogether.

So, I decided to box up the scope I had just purchased a few days ago and sell it for what I had paid. Then, I could just get an eyepiece and finder scope from the one I got at Mom’s. I listed the scope yesterday morning, and not even 2 minutes afterwards, I got a message via Facebook that someone was interested. I got like 3 more bites, but didn’t even need them – that first person sent his girlfriend over to pick it up like an hour later. I am in a bit of a tight spot now though because as of this moment, I do not have an eyepiece, nor a finder scope, and the closest pass for the conjunction is TONIGHT! Lol. I ordered one off of Amazon last night, and lo and behold – it came already this morning! I am a little concerned about not having a finder scope though, especially considering the fact that I got a 10mm piece, higher magnification, which means it will be more challenging to get a bead on them without a finder. I have a bit of a backup plan though – I actually found a little 50mm telescope at the Big 5 over on Arizona Ave. It comes with a cheapie finder scope and 2 eyepieces. So I think I am going to pick it up so I can use them for tonight, then either take it back to Big 5 or sell it on Facebook. I have no doubt it would sell quickly!

This last week, there has been some news come out that a new mutation of the coronavirus has been found in England, and it’s much more communicable. They are so concerned about it that several countries have banned people from England already. Then this morning, I read a post by Eric Feigl-Ding, a doctor I have been following since the beginning of the pandemic, and it raises some serious alarm bells. Apparently, they have found another mutated version in South Africa that carries a higher viral load as well. And apparently, several of the mutations are on the spike protein, which (this is my hypothesis) could make the vaccines worthless against it. Given the way the various countries are acting, I think this is pretty serious. And, while I am trying to not be too “conspiracy-minded,” it does seem like either nature is really pissed off and is working to get rid of us (a la the 4 horsemen) OR it is a bioweapon, and is mutating as it was programmed to do, to be even more communicable and deadly. This certainly sounds like something very, very strange indeed:

“They’re also wondering how it evolved so fast. B.1.1.7 has acquired 17 mutations all at once, a feat never seen before. ‘There’s now a frantic push to try and characterize some of these mutations in the lab,’ says Andrew Rambaut, a molecular evolutionary biologist at the University of Edinburgh.”

The fact that it acquired 17 mutations all at once – that sure reeks of something unnatural – something engineered, or prompted to happen; the fact it’s a feat that has “never been seen before.”

When I consider the fact that many are referring to the Great Conjunction that is happening today, Dec 21st, (an auspicious day because of the equinox) as the “Christmas Star,” and then consider the news about the coronavirus, and take into account what is happening with the political situation in this country, the climate change – I mean, honestly, it seems very, very laden with metaphysical significance to me. And I have had an intuition since the pandemic began that what we have been experiencing so far was part one of what was going to be a 2 part process. I don’t know why I’ve thought that, but I have. My gut feeling was that part 1 was super contagious, to get the initial virus into as many people as possible, and not extremely deadly, to cause people to let their guard down. Then, part 2 would be much more deadly. And because people would be tired of dealing with the pandemic, or some might think it was “overblown,” it would spread more easily. I realize this all sounds very fatalistic, probably sick in some sense.

But the fact is, I have felt since I was young that the human race, for the most part, needed a spanking – it’s honestly long overdue. And what has been happening here in the US, with over 70 million people completely blind to actual truth and facts – it truly seems like a great deception, on a level I’ve never seen. When the pandemic first hit, I got a strong sense of “this is it.” But as it progressed, and it was clear the fatality rate, while concerning, wasn’t nearly enough to really scare or concern people, I started to think maybe it wasn’t. Then when they started rolling out vaccines in the last few weeks, I thought that maybe my feeling was off – even though I don’t trust the vaccines (ewww, I hate to think I am aligning with some of the “hoax” and anti-vaxxers, but…) Now this news comes out, and it certainly seems serious – the fact that so many countries are scrambling to lock their borders down to visitors from England. And the fact that BoJo has enacted strict new quarantine rules and called an emergency meeting – seems pretty ominous.

And it’s not that I wish suffering, anguish and death on people – I really don’t. At least not a lot of people. But the fact is humans think they are completely immune from the workings of nature. They think that science and technology have gained ultimate supremacy, and we don’t need to worry about nature – we will always “win” in the end and are free to do whatever we wish. And I am not above reproach. I am maybe more aware of it than some, but I too consume far too much and don’t do nearly as much as I could to reduce my footprint, or to help the causes. But I have said before, and still believe – if I have to give my life as part of the “cleansing,” I am willing to do so. Things just can’t continue the way they are going – there won’t be anything left alive.

So is this “it,” or part of it beginning? Who knows. It sure feels singular though – there has never been a confluence of such powerful events in nature, the heavens, and the affairs of humans in my lifetime. And considering that the conjunction is the first one like it in 800 years – well, yeah. And then there is one other little tidbit – everyone forgets the “Dec 21st 2012” Mayan Prophecy thing. Well, what if the year was off – but the month and day weren’t? Yet another correlation. I have found in my time that when there is lots of correlation, it typically means there are powers and principalities at work. In any case, should be a great view of the Great Conjunction tonight, and I am going to take great care to protect myself and my family in the coming days and months. I just thought of another interesting correlation – “pray ye not that your flight be in winter, because in those days there shall be great tribulation…” Today will also be the first day of winter.

I guess I should start off by mentioning that the dream of millions of sane, rational Americans came true last week when it we found out, after a LONG, excruciating counting process, that Biden won the election. Thank GOD! People were literally rejoicing and partying in the streets in some cities, and countries around the world congratulated us. But the petulant man-baby in the White House has refused to admit defeat and launched a flurry of false allegations claiming massive voter fraud and that the election was “stolen” from him. And of course there is a contingent of his cult that fully believe every word he says and are rallying around him. Fortunately, it seems like they are greatly outnumbered by sane people – even many Trump supporters see the folly in it. But it is making for more drama – just like he likes it.

But that wasn’t the actual reason for this post, though it certainly is something big enough to warrant it. No, the reason for this post is a dream I had last night – a dream that has the characteristic of being the best dream I have ever had. I remember feeling completely overjoyed, fulfilled, full of wonder and excitement – it was a feeling I don’t know that I’ve ever experienced in real life. I guess the coin-incidence was pretty close, and then there was the lightning bolt in Gisela. But there was something about this – something more… I can’t even say what really.

In what I remember from the dream, I was walking down this sidewalk next to this rock outcropping or wall, and there were different places along it where different groups of stones were exposed. I remember a groping of blue green stones similar to the aventurine I have on my altar. There were also formations that resembled something close to the pattern of a waffle iron – solid pieces of clear or white crystal, and another one of citrine, with square shaped protrusions. They were really interesting. Then I saw this outcropping of rough citrine, and decided to see if I could get one to take with me. I jiggled it loose, and this big piece, a little bigger than the one I currently wear, came out. I felt kinda bad about taking it, so I thought maybe I should leave the one I have as kind of a trade. But for whatever reason, I felt like it was ok to take it, so I did.

Then things flashed forward. I was sitting in a room, seemed like one in a small metaphysical bookstore maybe, a cabin like setting, and there was a group of about 7-8 other people sitting around. Each of us had a basket with a number of stones and crystals in it. I assume that they were ones we had each gathered at the rock wall, and now we were all together in this room with our “treasures.” Something must have happened between the rock gathering and coming here, because some people were chatting excitedly, and asking me, “So how did you DO that?” I don’t remember what exactly I did, but I do remember feeling really, really energized and super joyous that they were asking me. I also remember that I couldn’t wait to tell them that I had no idea how I did it, whatever “it” was; that it just happened through me, that I was just the conduit. I remember thinking that I would tell them that I have loved rocks and crystals for a very long time, and maybe that had something to do with it.

Funny thing, I don’t remember what “it” was, what I actually did. A few of the people were really excited about it though. They weren’t going crazy, it wasn’t like a worship thing, more like a, “Wow, that was awesome – how did you do it?” And the feeling I had – it was truly indescribable; the closest I can think of is absolutely fulfillment – like all the years of my life I had spent praying, meditating, studying, seeking, dreaming – they were all worth it; the spiritual work was ALL worth it. It meant something, something real, and there were people who recognized it in me and admired me for it. And most importantly, I finally KNEW within myself. WOW. It was the best I have ever felt in a dream, just so cool.

The one thing that I kinda came up with – and I’m not sure if this is what really happened, or something I came up with after – was me standing in a pose like The Magician Tarot card, one hand pointing up, one down, holding what I can only describe as multi-crystal wands in each hand. I did a cool meditation on that after waking, and it was pretty powerful. I might even try to put one together.

I don’t know if this dream portends anything, but I can definitely say that it had a quality of feeling to it that I don’t remember ever experiencing before in my life. Could the fact that Trump got voted out have changed the energy flow in such a way as to allow more positive energy to flow again? Whether or a national, global, or personal scale? I’m not sure. But I know that I have purchased a couple of past life readings, and even a spiritual guidance one recently, and the overall prognosis was that I am on the right path, that I just need to be patient, and not “try so hard” – that great steps on the Path are before me, I just need to keep walking. And so I am. Dreams are coming true – both in dreams and in real life. Perhaps they are, or will be, one in the same soon. “Merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is but a dream.”

That pretty much sums up the state of everything right now. All the polls seem to indicate that Biden SHOULD win the election. But after what happened in 2016, when Hillary was heavily favored to win and ahead in the polls, even won the popular vote, only to LOSE the election – I, and many other dems are scarred. So I won’t relax until it is officially called for Biden, which I pray to GOD it is. Because I am so cereal – I just don’t think I could stay in this country for 4 more years under Drumpf. I can only imagine how much worse it could get. Of course, if we lose the White House, but get the Senate, that would help. But still…

In other news, we went to New York for 4 days to watch the kiddos so Megan and Scott could go to Nashville for their “honeymoon.” We had such a nice time with the kids. The weather was great, and the house we stayed in, an AirBnb, was perfect. I was sure exhausted after those 3 1/2 days though, I tell you whut! They are good kids, but it’s a lot to keep up with all 4 of them from wakeup to bedtime. I told Megan and Scott when they got back I have a whole new respect for them now lol. Grandma and Pop-pop did good though, and all in all it was a great time.

Upon getting back to AZ, the day after, I got sick – stuffy head, running nose, aches, fatigue. After missing 2 days of work, and based on some info Jamie sent stating that the symptoms of covid can mirror those of a common cold, I decided to get a test. Got 2 actually – one rapid result, and one send away. Neither was nearly as bad as people have made it sound. One I did myself, one done by a doc – but neither that rough. Thank goodness, both came back negative. But it was a little bit of a scare, and I got an intuition that this was like a “warning shot” – we’ve travelled 3 times during the pandemic, might be time to give it a rest. So I told Debbie I am done travelling for a little while. She didn’t take it too well – we were supposed to be going to Nashville November 7th. She says she takes the pandemic seriously, and she does, in all aspects – EXCEPT travel. She is just not willing to give up travelling. The numbers across the country are starting to spike though, so I convinced her it’s not a wise thing to go right now. But she is bound and determined to go just as soon as they come down again. It has caused some conflicts, not sure why she can’t just respect my wishes about it. I told her she is welcome to go herself, I don’t begrudge her that. Doesn’t seem to make a difference though. Oh well – we’ll have to see what happens when the numbers do go down. Seems like that might be a while now.

I guess I should probably just say “hummingbird dream,” since what I am referring to is a singular dream of a hummingbird I had last night. As you (I) know, I LOVE hummingbirds! I have made a friend of one that I typically see when we take Cooper for a walk – I think I wrote about it in another post… I think he (or she) lives in or near an orange tree down there. In any case, each time we take a walk, I try to make some little clicking sounds to try to “call” him, and it’s crazy how often it works. So yeah, I love them, even have one who is a little buddy. But back to the dream –

So last night, I have a dream that I not only see a hummingbird, but that it flies up really close to me and hovers. I get the impression that it wants to land on me, so I stick my finger out in front of it. And what do you know! The little guy lands right on my finger! I remember thinking he looked so big after he did. It was was so cool, like a (bad pun coming) dream come true. That in and of itself was really awesome. But it’s always SO cool when a little something “extra” happens after something like this. And so it did…

Just a little while ago, I was checking out the InsideSRP intranet page. They have a “Photo of the day” section on the bottom right that often features a picture of some kind of scenery or wildlife. And just guess what the photo of the day was today? I literally got chills when I saw it…

I mean… Sure, someone could say it was just a “coincidence” – oh, and I ordered a book called “The Roots of Coincidence” yesterday – but then I tend to think more of coin-incidences, which are much more powerful than those other things that non-believers have lol. So, I decided I really needed to get a hummingbird pendant, and I happened to find one that is pretty cool. It is somewhat stylistic, looks almost like origami, and feels a little more “masculine,” which is probably a good thing, since I know I will be more likely to wear it. I hesitated at first, but it really struck me. And wouldn’t you know – it was the last one in stock. After ordering, I went back to find it to see if they were just saying that, and indeed – it was no longer available. Another interesting synchronicity.

I looked up some info on hummingbirds and what they symbolize, and it wasn’t quite as “profound” as I expected. But then too I know that while there are some general guidelines or ideas about what certain things mean, I know also that for each person, the relationship with said totem or archetype is unique, and can be more or less influential or meaningful in one way or another. One page says it symbolizes “the enjoyment of life and lightness of being.” Another site says that , “In Native American culture, hummingbirds are seen as healers and bringers of love, good luck, and joy.” Another site says much more: “In legends, Hummingbird is often portrayed as a healer or as a spirit being who helps people in need, and sometimes plays the important mythological role of fire-bringer. Seeing a hummingbird is a sign of good luck in many Native American tribes, especially Northwest Coast tribes. In ancient Mexico, hummingbirds were considered sacred and associated with royalty and warriors; the Aztec god Huitzilopochtli, patron god of the Aztec capital Tenochtitlan, had the hummingbird as his divine animal and was sometimes depicted in hummingbird form in traditional Aztec art. In some Mexican tribes today, hummingbirds are believed to be messengers from the afterworld or manifestations of a dead person’s spirit.” So no matter what, it’s all good. I personally feel like it is a messenger from the spirit world with a direct connect, and I love that.

I think there are more lessons and insights to be gained from bonding with my little friend – I look forward to discovering them.

Yeah, I can’t think of anything new really, but – well, like the title says lol. I did watch a really cool movie called “Embrace of the Serpent” about an Amazonian shaman, and an explorer, told over 2 periods where the shaman was like 40, and then later when he is older. It was excellent – one of those films that leaves you wishing there were more like it. Very authentic.

I have continued creating some new jewelry. I ordered a nice piece of blue beryl, aka aquamarine, cut and set it. Looked very pretty. But I guess I didn’t put enough super glue on the post because I discovered it had fallen off yesterday, and now I can’t find it. I know it has to be somewhere here, because I hadn’t left the house. But whenever something like that happens – like when my smoky quartz bracelet broke soon after getting it – I just figure it’s not meant for me to wear. I do hope I find it, because it’s a very pretty crystal, cost me like $30, and I would like to send it to my mom. I have ordered a piece of celestite that I am going to attempt to make a pendant from. Apparently, it doesn’t normally form large crystals like quartz, so I might have to do a cluster kind of setting. I think it will resonate well with me. I have a big piece on my altar by my bedside, and love it. I did get a piece of kyanite at the antique store yesterday. It seems to keep showing up whenever I’m looking at crystals online.

So I guess I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. Sure doesn’t seem like much, but I am happy, so there’s that. I am still open to doing more, but maybe I need to focus more on being instead of doing. Maybe it’s about growing inside instead of out. Maybe a lot really is going on, just on the subtle levels. That’s what I’m telling myself. And honestly, I don’t know what the “doing” would be anyway. I watched another interesting show about a young guy who had autism, and he was going around to different Native American healers and medicine men and women. Every one of them said the same thing – that they didn’t consider themselves to be medicine people, and didn’t refer to themselves that way – it’s what OTHER people called them. One of them said, “Anyone who calls themselves a medicine man or woman is definitely not one.” I thought that was really interesting, and mirrors what Christ said when asked if he was the son of God.

I’m learning, growing, experiencing, so stuff is happening. And for that, I am grateful.

I was going to title this post “I don’t know what to do now,” but then I believe in all that new thought stuff, and don’t want to reinforce a negative thought. I want to believe that somewhere inside, I DO know what to do. But for whatever reason, I can’t quite seem to figure it out yet. I’m talking on the spiritual plane here. Like, what do I need to do to make the next “spiritual leap?” I actually tried a little self-programming before bed last night and told myself that I was going to dream of meeting an ascended master, and that person would tell me what I need to do. But either I didn’t dream of that, or I can’t remember. And so here I am in the same place I’ve been for a while.

I definitely feel an energy of potentiality. In the material world, things have been going very well indeed. We have experienced the best period of prosperity I can ever remember this last 2 years. All kinds of little, and sometimes pretty big, unexpected windfalls, or beneficial outcomes, unexpected savings opportunities, etc. And I am EXTREMELY grateful. I was thinking the other day that I can’t remember the last time I actually had to make a budget – something I did every week for pretty much my whole life. But we have been so flush with cash, we haven’t had to. Wow, what a blessing.

And certainly, just like that situation with my little hummingbird buddy, or making the blue beryl pendant yesterday and the way it just kinda fell off at the place I wanted to cut it, there is definitely an air of magic and possibility. I just wish I knew what to do with it – how to channel it into something productive. I’m not even really sure what that would be…? I thought last night, should I try to actually heal someone? I mean, solicit a request on etsy or something, and try to send energy to heal that person? I don’t know that I am even capable, and seems like there are lots of ways for that to turn out poorly. I have tried blogging, selling Tarot readings, the website, the Facebook page – none of them really clicked. So what the heck am I supposed to do?

I know patience has been a real challenge for me, and perhaps I just need to display some now. I actually kinda got that message last night – just keep doing what I’m doing. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. Is there anything else I need to be doing to get ready? I do wish sometimes that I had a mentor or teacher or guru. I actually just read an article written by GPT3, the latest greatest text generating AI, and it was pretty incredible. I have this dream of getting access to some powerful AI so I can ask it some questions, maybe set it on a mission to figure out how I can achieve higher states of consciousness without drugs. I even put in a request to get access to the GPT3 API. We’ll see if I get approved. It would be SOOO awesome if I did!

In the meantime, I guess I will just keep praying, meditating, observing, keeping my mind, eyes, ears and heart open to what’s going on around and within me. I’m hoping the material prosperity is the forebinger to prosperity on the spiritual/metaphysical plane, such that it is visible and active on this plane – if that makes sense. I’m wearing a really cool blue beryl pendant I made yesterday (mentioned earlier) and the way it turned out is just awesome. Seems I truly have a gift for working with stones. Jewelry making has become a hobby – one I wasn’t sure I could enjoy again after getting sober, always associated it with “tweaking.” But then, I never cut or drilled crystals and stones when I was spun out, so that’s kinda cool that it’s an entirely new aspect. Maybe this new crystal holds the key for th next door I am waiting to open…

I’ve noticed over the last year or 2 that when I take Cooper for a walk, there is this little hummingbird that seems to live in or near an orange tree down by the lakes. I love seeing him (or her, I don’t know really lol) so I started trying to mimic his little sounds he makes to “call” him. I’ve noticed a number of times that he will show up when I do so, and it’s really cool. I do feel like I am communicating with him, and it warms my heart.

Last night, I didn’t see him at all down by the lakes and was a little disappointed as I always am when I don’t see him. But as was getting closer to home, a thought popped into my head that maybe he would show up as I got closer to the house…? Lo and behold, as I opened the gate to throw Cooper’s doozlebaum away, there he was hovering right there above that little area! I was so stoked, I started making my little sounds, and flitted around a few times, hovering and looking at me, then flew off. It was so cool! It was like a real connection, on another level. It brought a joy to my heart that I can’t even describe.

And while it might sound silly, I thought to myself – that is what magic REALLY is: that interconnectedness – that true oneness. There is nothing like it – it truly is magical. And when I thought about it before going to sleep last night, it brought tears to my eyes. I’ve always felt like, at some time, perhaps in another time, in another life, I knew that connectedness – I experienced it, and have LONGED for it all my life. Not as one who wants it, but as one who had it, and lost it.

So who knows. All this pining for magic, all this wishing, hoping and praying – maybe it is returning. Maybe I am starting to experience it, in the way that is unique to me – my magic. I think everyone probably has their own manifestation, with some commonalities I’m sure. That’s kind of what I am getting out of the book on Shamanism that I am reading: each shaman, each clan or tradition, has their own “spin” on things. And while there are some common themes, there is no one methodology or version. And perhaps that’s how it is with magic. Now that I think about it, I remember thinking that if I could have one magical ability, communicating with animals or healing would probably be the top 2 contenders. Wow… my little buddy really has me thinking – hmmmm… 🙂

That’s basically what I just did – I killed it all: The Eternal Temple, The OUT, the Etsy shop – all of them, dead. Deleted. I did my best, and I guess my best wasn’t good enough, cuz here we are back where we started from. The times they keep changin’, my plans are rearrangin’, but I’ve had enough of that shit! Lol. Nothing to take the edge off like a song. The funny, well not really funny, sad really, thing is that no one will probably even notice. Never did get an actual sale from the Etsy shop. Was crazy – got that one just a few days after opening it, then the guy ended up not actually wanting a reading. Refunded his money – poof. Literally nothing after that. A few people “favorited” it. And as far as the Eternal Temple website, nada there either. Oh well, at least I didn’t go overboard buying “stock” to sell. I have some bracelets I can give as gifts.

I’ve been into the whole “shaman” study thing lately, reading about it, watching what few (decent) videos there are on it. I finally found some that WEREN’T about ayahuasca. Seems like when a lot of people talk of shamanism, it’s really about taking that stuff and tripping. No want that part of it. I even emailed a guy from ASU who published a paper about, and he seemed to almost take offense, suggesting that it was fine for addicts to take it, and it is even used for addiction therapy in some settings. That’s all fine and dandy for some, no judging, but homey ain’t gonna’ play that. I know myself TOO well. One thing leads to another, and I will want to be tweaking. Fortunately, in Siberia, where the term “shaman” actually comes from, they induce the trance state using drumming and singing – no drugs. So there are ways other than psychedelics to achieve it. And I don’t even know that I would want to be an actual shaman – I’m just interested in the phenomenon and learning more about it academically.

I watched a video on YouTube, and interview of a French guy named Paul DeGryse, and I loved what he had to say about his “brand” of it, called Toltec Shamanism. He mentions that he was a little averse to using the drums and chanting, that it seemed like appropriation of rituals that didn’t really pertain to his culture (European). So he came up with a system that didn’t use any of that, or psychedelics from what I could gather. I was eager to read some of his books. One small problem – none of them are translated into English, French only. I actually emailed him about it because i really wanted to check some out. But he said that there are no translations at this point, and it sounds like his editor isn’t working too hard to get any out anytime soon. I even looked a bit to see if there was something I could do to get one made, haven’t really found anything. He said he would keep in touch, so who knows.

So I’m basically where I have been for several years – looking for that next step, that next mentor or teacher, that next initiation, that next opportunity. I did discover a book just today that I am REALLY looking forward to reading called “Synchronicity (some subtitle lol).” It’s brand new, just came out, I learned about it through one of the quantum physics email alerts I get. Supposedly it tells the story of Wolfgang Pauli’s interactions with Carl Jung and their conversations about causality, consciousness, and cool stuff like that. I can’t wait to read it. I have make myself finish the book I am reading now first, “Siberian Shamanism and the Western Imagination.” It’s more of an academic, historical look at shamanism in Siberia, which I thought might be dry, but I am actually enjoying it.

In the (un)real world, things are going great. We traded in the Sonata on a new Nissan Rogue, which I LOVE – way more comfortable seats, bomb diggity stereo, climate control. I was really grateful Debbie was even open to looking at one. Financially, the abundance continues, super grateful for that. And the kids, other than Emilee, all seem to be doing well. Even had Galen, Tess and Alex over for pizza the other night, and it was wonderful. Emilee, she has some kind of stomach/gas/constipation issues she’s been experiencing for a while. It seems it’s always something with her – at least when she isn’t in college. She was doing so well then. Sigh.

Anyhoo, life really is good. I wish there was a little more mysticism/spirituality/magic, but then maybe there is, and I’m just not appreciating it. I am really happy, and that is magical indeed 🙂

So we got back from Cleveland Sunday, had an awesome trip. The weather was fantastic, and everything worked out perfectly – got to do everything we had planned, with almost no issues at all. Everything just fell into place. We ended up moving to a suite at the hotel after the second night, and it was perfect. And we had so much fun with the kids – they behaved so well. I just can’t say enough about how perfectly everything worked out. Even though I was hesitant about going, and still don’t think it’s something that should be encouraged – going on an out of state vacay during a pandemic – I am so glad we went, and it was wonderful to spend time with the little stinkers again.

I realized something while we were out of town – I am starting to lose steam again as far as the website, tarot readings, bracelet sales thing goes. I’m even losing some interest in Facebook. I’m not really bummed our or anything – just feeling a complete lack of inspiration. Who knows – maybe it’s just a side effect of being on vacation, and I will get inspired again. But for now, I’m just kind of “meh” about everything. I am looking forward to making a new pendant from a piece of spirit quartz I ordered just before we left for vacay. And it was neat what happened when I put it on my altar. I had set it down, and was picking up my Templar coin to move it, when I dropped it. It hit the top of the dresser, rolled, hit the spirit quartz, and came to rest just under the point of it – no kidding. It was one of those cool, synchronistic events that communicated some really cool meaning on a higher level. So yeah, I’m excited to wear it.

Continuing with the “losing steam” theme, I was thinking last night that I am going to do the “Office Space” thing regarding the website. blogging, posting on FB, Tarot – all of that stuff really. I am just going to kick back and not really do anything. I will continue to pray, meditate, read, tend my altar, etc. But I am going to quit trying so hard on that other stuff, and just let things happen. I was just thinking about that Mother Theresa prayer, and how it might apply to spirituality and spiritual practices just as well as the other stuff – it’s not really between me and anyone else anyway – it’s between me and my Higher Power. I’ve spent so much time over my lifetime trying to interest or inspire or gather others, trying to find a way to make a living as a “mystic,” and it has always seemed like 99.7% of people just weren’t really that interested honestly. I though perhaps I could sell bracelets as a way of doing something a little more mundane, and “sneak in” some Spiritual truth, and that may still happen. But the fact is, maybe that stuff is just for me, my Spirit, and my HP. Maybe I need to be a little more self-directed, focus on making spiritual progress myself, and forget about it in regards to other people for a while.

I have been reading Karl Jung’s quasi autobiography, and I think that is inspiring me to view it that way as well. He came to a similar conclusion over the course of his lifetime from what he says, that most people just aren’t interested in the truly deeper questions, and he fashioned himself a bit of a loner. I like to think of myself as a friendly person, but ultimately, I am a loner of sorts too, because there are very few people that share my passion and desire for spiritual/psychic/metaphysical development. And contrary to what I might have thought when I got sober, it wasn’t just the drugs that made me that way. I do think they may have enhanced some aspects of it, and probably led to some experiences that might not have happened without me and those who were around me for them being under the influence. But I read this cool scientific paper on the way back from Cleveland about Magic (one of those Academia things) and so much of it resonated with me. One of the things it talked about was how the shamans believed that everyone who was present had to be a true believer, or else the magic would not work. If even one person had doubt, they would refuse to do anything.

And I think that’s why those things happened when I was using: I and the people around me, we were high, so our doubts were suspended a bit, the logical mind was taking a back seat to the subconscious mind, just enough so the magic could manifest. And maybe I can work on myself, on ridding myself of any doubt at all, and finding practices that will fulfill those yearnings and desires I have for magic and miracles to manifest. Perhaps that is what all of this is about – working from home, I am insulated from the thoughts, doubts, energies of other people, and can create the atmosphere, the aura necessary. Now, I just have to find some practices I can do that I don’t think are “corny.” That seems to be the obstacle right now. Whenever I study such “magical practices,” they always seem a bit silly to me – I am very skeptical. I think I will put some thought energy out there, set an intention to discover practices that fit me well so I can start moving further along the path.

…of watching shows about people who have paranormal experiences, perform magic, channel beings, claim to have contacted or been contacted by secret societies, see UFOs, etc. And that side effect is a bit of depression. It’s a result of an icky form of envy really. I find myself thinking, “Why couldn’t that be me?” And then, inevitably, I think back to the Gisela days, remember the UFO sighting that early morning with David, remember the lightning bolt with that other Debbie, think about the whole coin-incidence – I did experience some of those things. Although I’m sure even back then, I had some jealousy, thinking other people had more powerful experiences. I remember having that when I first read “The Ultimate Frontier,” thinking about how Richard got that tutoring from Mr. White, learning about the Brotherhood, etc, and being jealous.

So yesterday, I was watching a movie about a guy who supposedly channels a being named “Bashar,” and I tried to be open-minded about it. I realized that as much as I want to believe in a lot of that type of thing, I am actually very skeptical myself. I think the guy truly believes he is channeling another entity, and perhaps he is. But it left me with that same feeling. It’s obvious he has made a career out of it, they showed him giving big public talks, and I think “Why can’t I do something like that?” Not necessarily the channeling, but being able to make a living by doing something along the mystical/metaphysical lines. Of course, just as my last post says, I am trying, AGAIN, to do just that by starting yet another website. And I would really like it to be successful. I was just going to say something defeatist, but I won’t, because I am trying to remain positive. I am waiting to really get going until we get back from our Cleveland trip.

It’s kinda’ like what happened with the Templar coin I ordered. When I got that thing, that night (or maybe the night after?) I had this weird experience, was almost like a mini flashback, where I went to the bathroom, and in the paint texture on the wall behind the toilet, I saw all these impressions of a Templar Cross – kinda like the way a person sees shapes in clouds. It reminded me a bit of a time I tripped in Prescott and saw patterns everywhere I looked, although not quite as pronounced. Well, I thought maybe old relics, especially Templar ones, held some kind of key, so when I came across a medieval ring on an auction site that had a equilateral cross on it, just like a Templar one, and it was reasonably priced, I bid on it, and won, thinking maybe I would have a similar, or even more pronounced experience. The ring is really nice, especially since I cleaned it up, but there has been no profound experience.

And who knows – maybe I’m just being too greedy spiritually. I have a wonderful life – a great wife, good kids, I’m healthy, still able to work even with the pandemic, as is Debbie – I truly am blessed. But I can’t help the spiritual yearning, and it just seems like it will never be satisfied sometimes. I want a return to the “coin-incidence” magic, but without the drugs and instability. I feel like I have paid my dues, and it should be possible..? I have been trying to do everything I can think of to “help” it along – crystals, altar, jewelry, praying and meditating, etc. Not sure what more I could be doing. I feel like I am right on the cusp, but just can’t seem to break through that last little layer – yet.

Maybe when we get back from Cleveland, things will break loose, when I can dedicate more time and effort to the site. I hope so.