Feeling down

I had thought about posting this on my private blog, because I had intended at one point to keep this just to stuff about the Coin-incidence and the story about it. But, as with all my other writing/blogging efforts, seems like this is going to be for an audience of one, so why go to the bother to hide it, right? And I don’t think there is much appetite for the story anyway. Perhaps that is part of what is getting me down. I’m sure it is.

I think another part of it is the fact that as much as I want to think that there is some community out there waiting for me to join, or waiting to join me, it seems like there might not actually be one. I came across a quote in an antiquarian book I picked up recently, “The Magic of the Middle Ages” by Viktor Rydberg, and it gave me a little comfort:

“The individual seeker after truth may gain enlightenment, but for himself alone, not for humanity. Therefore a magician confines the wisdom he acquires to his own bosom, or imparts it to a single pupil, or buries it under obscure expressions which he commits to parchment; but he neither can nor will impart it without reserve to humanity whose path appears to lead downward into a constantly deeper night.”

It comforted me to know that I’m definitely not the first person to feel this way, and perhaps, in this sense, my path is closer to that of the ‘magician.’ But it also made me a bit sad, because indeed, it does seem like the general path of humanity “appears to lead downward into a constantly deeper night.” I think some of what is going on with the political situation makes me feel that way too. Yes, Biden won the presidency, and thank GOD. But it seems very likely that Trump will not be convicted in his impeachment trial, even though what he did is SOOOO blatantly impeachment-worthy. Why? Because of partisan politics and cowardice on the part of the GOP. It’s gotten so bad that a president can incite an insurrection – LITERALLY – and STILL not be held accountable. Very demoralizing.

And of course there is the spiritual side of it for me. Again, I got all excited because of all the coin-incidences, and the email from Professor Pasulka about my first post on this site – thought that maybe this was my “shot,” my “breakthrough.” But she hasn’t responded since, even after I sent her an email about the post on the actual Coin-incidence. I tried one follow up email, but am just going to let it go. I’m sure she has enough going on in her life and work that she has no time or interest in starting a dialogue with yet another person who has an interesting story they want to share with her. So I probably put too much significance on that. And perhaps I have put too much significance on all this.

But then I go back to the quote from Rydberg’s book, and wonder – maybe that’s the path I’m on – the path of the lonely mystic; the path of The Hermit from the Tarot. Maybe – and I say this hoping it doesn’t sound too arrogant – I am just beyond those other paths, and the one I am on is that path of the individual seeker of truth; maybe I need to realize that what I am really seeking, and what my Path is, is enlightenment for myself. And I can’t expect others to take any real interest in it – can’t expect others to want follow or join my efforts, because they have their own paths. Perhaps what I secretly want is more ego based – I want to be “recognized” or revered for my efforts; I want to be an “influencer” of the spiritual sort. Maybe inside I do have some not-so-hidden agenda, and I need to let that go in order to find what I am really looking for. I was thinking I wish I could find the source material Rydberg used for that chapter in his book, or find out who he quoted. I’d like to hear more about that seeker’s experiences on his or her path.

I have even ordered some spiritual guidance readings from Etsy, hoping to get some advice. They have pretty much all said the same thing – that the answers are inside myself, and that I should meditate to learn more. I have been doing that, and had a great meditation on the Divine Feminine the other morning – saw a white light, for just a brief moment, at the top of my head as I was closing my eyes and praying to the Divine Feminine. So it seems like that is something I need to focus on more. I don’t recall ever seeing a light like that in all my years of meditating. And even though it was brief, and not super huge or bright, it was definitely noticeable and something new.

Another thing I need to work on is just letting go of the idea of getting recognized, or becoming well-know, or founding some order, or being “discovered” by an existing one – any and all of that stuff. I need to make peace with the path of solitude, TRULY accept it, in my innermost self, and keep moving forward. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back from making more progress? Maybe I need to surrender to “win,” just like in AA. I need to overcome my addiction to approval, praise and recognition and be ok with moving forward on my Quest with that knowledge. I mean, it’s been that way for years and years now, and hoping and wishing it was different has gained me nothing but sadness.

And besides, I’m not alone – I’m never alone, and I know that. Those Spirits that have called me onward, accompanied and spoken to me have always been there and continue to comfort and guide me. I need to acknowledge the Truth of that and move forward. And so that is what I am going to do. I will keep posting, keep reading, keep writing, keep seeking, knowing that while there might not be any other incarnate humans accompanying me on my Quest, I am never alone either. May the Coin-incidence continue, may the Path expand before me, and may I be worthy of more revelations.

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