This ain’t no “Field of dreams”

I built it, but they didn’t come lol.

Of course, I’m talking about the new forum I created on the relatively new site. But then, I’m talking about this blog too. And the one before it. And the one before it. And – you get the point. I don’t know if anyone has ever actually seen it, but buried down on the bottom right of the page, below the archives, in very small print, is a link to the main blog I had before this one – “The Thought Buffet” Clever title, right? And then there was the even older blog, “The Cessation of Suffering” And I think between both of those, over 10 years, I had maybe 2 people who read them. But honestly, it’s not like I tried to promote them that much, and certainly wasn’t writing for entertainment. They served primarily as personal journals.

Well, that’s not entirely true. For a period of time on “The Thought Buffet,” my cousin had convinced me that I was a great writer, and that my stuff was really funny, so I should try to do more of that and promote it a little bit. And so I did, but it never really got much attention. I tried posting links to the content on Facebook, and spreading the word in other ways – no dice. So I went back to just writing whatever struck me.

And so I have continued to do so, up until about 2 years ago, when I was compelled to put together a website that I hoped would attract some like-minded folks. I thought that people would see it, go “oh wow, that sounds cool!” and reach out to see what it was about. I would then tell them of my desire to start a spiritual order called The Order of Unifying Truth – one like the Knights Templar (the true ones, as from “The Templar Tradition,” not the ones described in all the documentaries and popular books) but modernized, fitted to today’s world. They would say that sounded great, and we would set about on collaborating on how to actually build the order, what we could actually do, etc. Others would join in, and it would be like our very own virtual Knights of the Round Table.

As I write this, is actually sounds a bit silly, honestly. And that’s probably why it hasn’t really taken off. You can’t just throw a website out there with some idea of creating some spiritual order without having it all planned out I’m guessing. I wonder how groups like the Masons, the Templars, the Rosicrucians, etc, got started initially, like in the very very beginning though. They can’t have known everything right off the bat, right? There had to be some formative period where a few people came together and figured out what they wanted to the order to be about? What the codes, ideals, goals, etc should be? I’ve felt compelled – guided one could even say, to try to start (or actually re-start in a sense) such an order. But while I think it is some kind of “destined” thing, maybe I am just deluding myself, living in my own little fantasy story? It’s entirely possible. Or maybe dark mentalists/tricksters/mischievous/malevolent energies/entities are messing with me, stringing me along to waste my time and resources while also sucking the hope out of me? That’s possible too.

And who knows – I guess there is always a chance, slim as it may be, that it could still happen, and I just have to be – oh God, I can’t hardly stand to say this again – PATIENT. That word has been the biggest challenge of my life when it comes to all this stuff. It’s not so fun being an “old soul” when people are telling you that at like 12 years old. This shit has been old for a long, LONG time already lol. But if I am nothing else, I am persistent. I guess I make up with my lack of patience with that dogged determination. In fact, my old best friend Doug (God rest his soul; tomorrow is his birthday – Love you brother) always liked to jokingly repeat a phrase my mom yelled at me one time, one that he thought encapsulated me nicely – “You bull-headed little f**ker!” He would exclaim that, and we would both crack up; because my mom said it, and because it was actually true!

So you know how there’s that old question, “What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?” Well, what happens when an incredibly persistent person keeps trying to create something, unsuccessfully to this point, that he is extremely impatient to get going? I’ll tell you what – a huge number of blog posts just like this! Lol. Seriously – I bet if I looked back over the last 13 years of posts, there are probably at least 50 just like this. Hell, I should do that – go back and find some good ones, just copy and paste them, save the keystrokes.

Of course I have a few more than 2 followers now, which just goes to show how hopeless things really are haha! But if there’s one conclusion I have come to, it’s that I am going to write whatever I am moved to, without any concern of who might read it or whether they will like it. It’s been just me for so long, that the only audience I really have to please is that bull-headed little f**ker who just won’t quit. Because even though I get SO sick of that guy, I’ve learned to love him too. Because he still has his dream, silly as it may be. And he’s STILL going for it, 13 years, 3+ blogs, and a gajillion posts later. So maybe it doesn’t matter if anyone else comes to the field of dreams. In fact, Mother Theresa’s Prayer just came into my head – seems like the perfect end to this post:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.  Forgive them anyway.

         If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.  Be kind anyway.

         If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.  Succeed anyway.

         If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.  Be honest and sincere anyway.

         What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.  Create anyway.

         If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.

   The good you do today, will often be forgotten.  Do good anyway.

  Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.  Give your best anyway.

         In the final analysis, it is between you and God.  It was never between you and them anyway.

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