The waiting really is the hardest part. Especially when you don’t know exactly what you’re waiting for, or if you should be waiting at all. That’s pretty much the situation I find myself in right now. I feel as though I am waiting for “something” – some kind of sign or guidance to help me figure out what to do next with all of this. I did finally get a response back from one of the communication attempts I made – a response to a post I made on Gary Lachman’s personal site, asking about “The Templar Tradition” book, if he had ever heard of or read it. He said he hadn’t, and asked if it was related to the mass suicides/murders that happened with the order the book mentions, The International Order of Chivalry Solar Tradition. I replied that I wasn’t sure, but that the content of the book didn’t seem to match with that kind of behavior, and asked if he would be up to corresponding a bit more via email about it. I have yet to hear back from him – but then that was just yesterday, so…

In any case, I’ve determined to pay more attention to the song lyrics I sing, as I referenced a bit in my last post, and am really working on monitoring what I tell myself. It strikes me just how many negative messages we tell ourselves, most completely unconsciously or unknowingly, under the guise of “entertainment.” Thinking about the first 3 songs on my Amazon playlist, all of them have some negative affirmations. I’ve actually thought about starting some kind of service that takes popular songs and re-records them with the verbiage changed to positive self-talk phrases. It probably sounds a little kooky, but the fact is, I believe words have power, and we don’t take that power nearly seriously enough.

I have been on the other side too, where I believed that through positive affirmations all by themselves basically, I could achieve all kinds of awesome stuff. And my experience showed that was not the case – at least not in my experience. One could argue that maybe I didn’t believe the words enough, or I wasn’t saying the right ones, or wasn’t doing it correctly – any number of reasons why it didn’t work that don’t necessarily indicate that IT doesn’t work. But I believe that for certain things to happen, they have to fit in with the current “flow” of life and the universe. And if they don’t, well, no amount of positive affirmations is going to make them happen – at least not if they are ones that involve other people.

But here, we are talking about personal affirmations that can affect the way I think about myself: “I don’t believe in fate, no psychic vision,” “I keep on moving backwards, keep on losing faith,” “the less I know the better” – all of these could just sound like harmless lyrics. But, other than than the first one , which is honestly more personal that anything, these statements are not positive, and are not ones I would make to myself if I was hoping to gain greater faith and hope, hoping to gain more knowledge and wisdom and progress spiritually. No, these are all messages that would seem to indicate a desire to do just the opposite – and therefore, they are things I wouldn’t want to say to myself.

So I am working hard to overcome my own negative thinking. Something I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “I don’t know what to do.” Well, it stands to reason that if somewhere in my subconscious, a part of me did know what to do, but I kept telling myself that, I could convince that part of myself that I did NOT know what to do, and fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy. So I am changing it to “I’m not yet certain what I should do,” to put out the fact that I could possibly know, and the ‘yet’ to frame it as I might very well know in the future exactly what to do. So it is not being dishonest with myself, and it is also not cementing some negative belief. I am trying to scrutinize all of my self talk in this way, hoping to have a better chance at manifesting some dreams.

On a bit of a side note – I found out about this guy named Kevin Quantum today, and I must say I am pretty jelly… Seems he is living the life I might dream for myself. He supposedly started out as a scientist, a physicist, and now works as an actual magician who incorporates comedy and physics into his routine. Seriously Universe? Why you gotta’ be like dat? I could have gone my whole life without knowing about this alter ego. But no. I have to find out about this guy who is basically everything I aspire to be – at least outwardly, in title and career. And it doesn’t help that I have already been thinking that pretty much everything I think and believe has already been put out in books and other media by different people – so what is the point really? Seems as though there is really nothing unique for me to add, and with guys like him walking around – well, it seems like quantum kev has already manifested – in someone else.

So maybe I just enjoy the life I have, be super grateful for it, and be happy for Kevin Quantum, Greg and others who are living my dream. Because in many senses, I am living my dream too. I have the awesome partner, great kids, stable job, nice home, good friends – lots and lots of good stuff. I would like add a career as a writer or something to all of that too. But if I had to give up anything I have now for that, I would not do it. I have what I always wanted most, and I know that if I really want to succeed as a writer or something else, I need to work at it – I can’t just expect some handout from the Universe. I am not owed anything, and it would be SO hypocritical to act as if I am.

I’ve been thinking about plunking down the $47 to try writers work and maybe giving that a go. At least then I could actually DO something to try to achieve my dream instead of just waiting for someone to plop it in my lap lol. I have a lot of doubt, fear, insecurity, etc to be sure. I know the fear of economic insecurity has not completely left me. But perhaps I can find a way to keep the job I have now and still write a little…? I guess I am scared I’m not as good a writer as I used to be too. Sometimes I read stuff from a while back and think, “wow, that was great! I don’t know if I could even write that now.” But as I shared last night at a meeting: it isn’t for people who need it, or who want it – it’s for people who DO it. I need to quit complaining and do it. Only then can I know for sure whether or not there is something there or not.