Hopefully this one doesn’t last as long as some have. But this one is pretty brutal, and to be fair, I brought it on myself.

After the last few weeks of temperature records being shattered in Canada and the Pacific Northwest, forest fires, articles about megadrought in the West, I picked at the scab by watching some more in depth videos about the situation, and they were extremely depressing. And these are from credible sources, science-based – not conspiracy bullshit or anything like that. Here are just a few of the ones I watched:

Now it probably wasn’t the best idea to watch these when I was already feeling a bit down, but hiding from the brutal truth is a big part of what got us where we are now. And we knew this was coming. It’s not like news or anything. Because as much as the Republicans and their far-right, Fox News loving, Trump worshipping zombies try to deny that human induced climate change is occurring, it most certainly is – and it is ALREADY having devastating impacts – impacts that will only get worse as time goes on.

The thing, as the report highlighted in one of those videos makes abundantly clear, the wealthy elite will be the LEAST affected by climate change. Those responsible for most of the actual damage to the climate will suffer the least, while those in developing countries and other poor people who contributed little to it will suffer the most. Once again, the concept of fairness is brutalized, and once again, those who don’t really deserve to suffer any more, will. And those who ought to pay SOME kind of karmic debt for what they have done, or not done, will glide through life enjoyably.

Now I understand the whole spiritual side of the equation, the whole gather not treasures on earth but in heaven, and the idea that eventually, EVENTUALLY, those who have done so much harm will get their just dues. But every now and again, I have my doubts about that – I lose my faith, in God, in myself, and DEFINITELY in humanity. I wonder if I am just bullshitting myself, if all spiritual people aren’t, just to make ourselves feel better and keep from killing ourselves to escape this cruel, cruel world.

And to be sure, it is a very cruel world, especially for a sensitive person, which I have always been. I think back to the teasing and bullying I experienced as a child, and while one can say, “Yes, but they were just kids, they didn’t know any better” – why did I know better? Why did I and a lot of other kids NOT do that kind of stuff? And the bullying, teasing, and overall cruelty continues on in life, and is actually rewarded. I deal with it in my job now, and do you think anyone – even in the 15K employee corporation I work in – stands up to the bullies? No, because they produce great ROI, and that’s what matters. The others go into police work or similar professions where they can abuse people with relative impunity. Or maybe even Wall Street, or hedge funds, or lobbying – you know, professions where being brutal, uncaring, and not giving a shit about people, their feelings, their livelihoods – where that is REWARDED. That’s ‘Murica, that’s freedumb, that’s capitalism. Yay.

This world is just no place for a kind soul, for a sensitive person, for a caring human being. It eats people like us up and spits us out. Oh sure, there are plenty of good people out there doing good things, and God bless them all. And there are those who are stronger than I, that’s for sure. But for some of us, this shit just gets to be too much sometimes – just the brutal ignorance. It gets really old. I am trying to get my faith back, get some hope back, some little grain of optimism. But it’s really hard right now. When I go to someplace wearing a mask and get scornful looks from some people – like, really? Why the fuck do they even care? What is it doing to them? The stupidity, selfishness, cruelty, tribalism, willful ignorance – it’s just crippling sometimes. I thought when the Orange Messiah lost the election, we could be over that. But oh no, not at all. His grip remains strong as ever, and people still believe the lies and bullshit he peddles. Just sickening. And to be sure, there are people on the other side, the left, who are going too far that way. The whole political correctness movement has gone way too far, and sometimes, it’s impossible to even know what to say without offending someone. But I would rather err on the side of being too conscientious then just not giving a shit – telling people to “Deal with it!”

I probably won’t do a lot of public posting for a while. There aren’t many people who read this crap anyway, so it won’t be any big loss. I used to hope to gain some notoriety, or some kind of voice in the world. But this spiritual shit doesn’t “sell.” People don’t care, don’t want to hear what someone says about it – not someone like me anyway. It’s time to slink away to the shadows again, and leave the people to their world. I will just hang on to what little sanity or hope I have, until I can make it to the other side of this dark night.