Video, or no video..? Feeling disenchanted

I think the title sums it up pretty well. I’m considering whether or not I should do another video for YouTube or not. I had an idea all planned, what I was going to talk about. But the more I kept thinking about it and seeing posts on Twitter of the things other people were covering in their podcasts – along with the fact that the video I personally thought was great and right in my wheelhouse, the “Two Pillars,” did so poorly – has me wondering if I should do any more or not. There are a few people who say they enjoy them, and that’s nice to know. And the quantum physics vid, it’s doing great – almost 100 views. Which just goes to show, I guess, that science is much more popular than spirituality. But then I already knew that. I wonder how many people realize how little “nuts and bolts” there really is to quantum physics?

The other thing I am running into is the fact that I really don’t know anything. No, honestly – I don’t. Someone even called me out today on a post I made about Siberian shamanism, which I have read about. I didn’t think they did hallucinogenics – turns out they did/do. So even a topic I THOUGHT I knew about, I don’t. And I don’t know any more than anyone else about spirituality, prophecy, meditation, anything. I read posts from other people and am amazed at how much better they put things than I do. I think the only thing I know, I can know, is what I myself have experienced. And that isn’t worth a hill of beans these days lol. Oh sure, I could tell personal stories. But there are tons of other people out there with much more compelling, interesting, funny, insightful, valuable, etc etc stories than mine. And this isn’t a self-pity thing (I mean, maybe it is a little bit lol) – it’s just the truth.

I was going do a video about prophecy. But I don’t know anything for certain about it, and there’s probably nothing I could say about Christ Consciousness that Whitley Streiber or others like him haven’t already said. I was going to talk about egregores and consciousness – but Anjali, Marshall Summers, and others like them have that covered pretty well. When I read their stuff, I’m like, “Yep, that’s what I would say.” When it comes to mysticism even, there are far better people than I out there sharing their profound insights about it. If anything, Twitter has been extremely humbling. It’s shown me how “un-special” I and my “wisdom” are.

And I suppose that’s a good thing. So much of this, for me anyway, is ego. I was thinking about it tonight – why do I care? Because I, my ego, WANTS to be popular. I want to be that person being retweeted. I want to be the person being invited to podcasts to share my mystical and philosophical insights. I want to be that person people look up to as a sort of guru or whatever.

And don’t we all, really? I mean, doesn’t it suck when you post something you think is really great on Twitter, and you get one, yes 1, like, if that even. Then you see someone else post almost the exact same thing, and they get tons of likes. It stings, right? We all want to be seen, to be heard, to feel like we matter. And I, I’ve had these stupid experiences over my life that I have interpreted to mean something. But apparently, that interpretation was wrong – wishful thinking, or delusions of semi-grandeur perhaps. Because I have tried repeatedly to pursue what I thought those experiences were leading me to, and it has resulted in pretty much nothing – at least to the outer world.

Personally, I have gained a TON of humility. And resilience. And patience. Ok, I’m still working on that one lol. But I have learned a lot. And I have learned that I don’t know squat. I truly understand what Socrates meant when he said a wise man knows he knows nothing. I just don’t think I can do any more videos, because I don’t know anything. I’m thinking about maybe telling the story of the coin-incidence, but I don’t even think that would come across right, don’t think I can capture the true spirit of it, and it would probably sound lame.

So, while I thought maybe I was transitioning back to the The Magician, like I was for a while back in my heyday, it’s looking like I will be staying The Hermit. And that’s ok I guess. I did a Tarot reading last week that kinda pointed in that direction, that I need to re-evaluate what I think my purpose is. Then I had a blood vessel break in my left eye, and there was a similar message in that. I hear you Universe/Spirit/God/Whatever. I don’t really like what you’re saying, but I know better than to try to keep paddling up river, all while the current shows no signs of changing. Time to just let go again – for a while anyway.

Time to just focus on climbing again. I need to focus on the summit, and not on telling people “Look how close I am! I’ll tell you how I did it…” Because honestly, they could be closer than I. I just need to keep climbing, stop comparing progress to others, and remember that it’s between me and my Higher Power – that’s it, that’s the Quest. Onward and upward.

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