Continuing on my last post lol. Ok, so I am trying to be positive and think of things in the affirmative – that somewhere deep inside, I know what to do with the website, that there is some idea just waiting to be expressed in there, some idea that will allow me to somehow make enough money to be able to do what I truly want to full time – BUT, the thing is, I once again feel confused, overwhelmed with thoughts, and honestly a bit alone in all of it.
Ever since I was young I felt as though there was some higher purpose I was here for. When the poetry thing started right before high school was over, it ushered in a new experience of believing that even more deeply; the poetry was so evocative, powerful, spontaneous, certain – it definitely seemed to come from somewhere else, and many of the themes were what could be called Messianic in a way..? Or at least very much a Paraclete kind of voice.
Then there was the period of delving into New Age thought, starting mainly with Willie in Prescott, and progressing through the whole “guru” phase, when I (and a few others honestly) thought I might be some kind of “Second coming” or something. I gave Tarot readings, argued with my elders about my “idealistic” thoughts, experienced a lightning bolt flash in the sky, following the path of my finger as I, filled with frustration, admonished this lady who believed she was beyond salvation that if God wanted her to know that he loved her, he could make a lightning bolt flash right across the sky – and He/She must, cuz He/She did! It all culminated in a series of related events which stretched over a couple of years and culminated in “the Coin-incidence” – something experienced by myself, Doug, Luke and Sam, and something that blew their minds as well. And part of that, a big part of it, was the matching (not exactly, but more mystically) of the coin in the front of a book, “The Templar Tradition,” with one that Luke took out of a desk drawer at Sam’s mom’s house (where we lived). I think I had seen it before then. It was definitely a “BOOM!” moment. For a while, I rode that wave of exhilaration and surety of purpose. But I ended up actually losing the coin very shortly after, which would prove to be very symbolic of what would happen to me and the path – I got lost.
Fast forward to now, 24 years after the Coin-incidence. I am 15 years clean and sober, have a great wife (been married for almost 7 years), kids (mine anyway) are grown and out of the house, doing well, I’m a homeowner, a successful developer working for a good company – life is good. Although there was a bit of heaviness to all of it, because until about a year ago, I thought I would never again experience the magic, mysticism and connectedness I once felt – and I wasn’t happy about it, at ALL. It seemed as though it was the price to pay for sobriety, and that did not seem fair to me at all – especially when I remembered the Templar Tradition specifically warning against using drugs to take shortcuts.
But lo and behold, a little while back (maybe 8-months ago..?) I experienced a pretty powerful synchronicity (memento mori – I have a post about it here…) that seemed to kick start what has felt more and more like “Coin-incidence 2 : this time, he’s sober” lol. And, much like I felt during much of the time back then, I am starting to have ideas about something I am supposed to “do,” like some higher purpose. And, again, much like back then, things seem to be leading me into certain realms of knowledge and experience, like some mystical thread weaved between all these things that my spirit is following. I will read a book, think “wow,” pick up another book that is not necessarily directly referenced, but there will be something in the next book that ties directly to the one before – just like happened way back when. Ok, that’s all fine and dandy, but what’s my point?
My point is that back during Ci1 (coin-incidence 1 – I’m getting tired of typing it out lol), I did try a few things to get something going, to make my “dream come true.” Of course I was totally high, and I’m sure that had a good deal to do with a lack of any true or lasting success of a practical kind. Now I am sober, and still, all of these ideas have been rushing into my mind about what I should do – what I would like to do. With the rise of “social media influencers,” the youtube culture, etc. it seems evident that it is possible to “make it” just by having an idea and an audience. Of course the trick is, you have to have something people want – and what people want more than anything these days it seems is to be entertained. But how entertaining can the Temple Tradition be, really? And is that even what I should be worrying about? Should I focus more on trying to “gather” like minds? And if so, to what purpose? Am I just deluding myself, again? I mean, just because I’m sober doesn’t mean this is a great idea.
I’ve been praying a lot over the last week or 2 for a little help from the Universe if this is something I am meant to do. This morning, I decided to make it more specific, and asked that if it is meant to be, the Universe bless me with $500k (the least amount possible for my purposes) so I could take a year and work on this – whatever “this” is. Honestly, and I know this isn’t conducive to allowing it to happen, I am pretty skeptical about it. Seems I have prayed so many times for a little help on stuff like this. And don’t get me wrong – God has always provided for my needs, and WAY more than I deserve. My gratitude is truly infinite. I guess I had just hoped that when I really needed it, and when I was worthy (sober?) and ready (again, sober lol) I might get some little “miracle” to help me at least TRY to achieve my dream. According to all the magick and new thought stuff, I need to believe it has already happened, with total faith. I guess the question should be, am I capable of doing that..? I’m sure going to try.
Whatever happens, what is most important to me (honestly) is that I do the will of Spirit/God and not just my own. I don’t want to follow in the steps of others who have done magick just for the sake of gaining power or their own “Wows”. I don’t want to become some guru and lead others in some kind of religious movement. I just want to help bring forth some real Cosmic Christ, Christ Consciousness, Buddha Nature kind of Magick into this world in a manner that can truly help this planet and all beings who are suffering. If Trump, the ultra welathy, and the capitalists, the “show runners” of this place can guide the consciousness of people like they do to achieve their means, why can’t someone with truly good intentions do the same in a manner that counters, or even overpowers the lords of mammon..? I don’t know, but I’d sure like to give it everything I can think of.
And that’s a lot. I’ve thought about setting an NI loose on a number of selected texts and asking it to extract the “Truth.” I’ve also thought about setting NI loose on some mind maps/brain scans/? to see if there is some way to bring about an increase in God consciousness/that feeling of connectedness without doing drugs. I’ve thought about creating memes (hence the name of this site) that are thoughtfully created to be just entertaining enough that people will want to share them, but will have some kind of Temple “hook” if you will that will call forth the appropriate archetype in their subconscious. Perhaps they could even be arranged in an order as to lead up to some kind of experience or openness to experience. I’ve though about using the website to put a call out to the Born Knights of the Temple to attempt to gather us all to ??? Lots of ideas, some, none, or all of which may be good.
So come on Universe – it’s your move now! I’m ready, willing and eager to help in whatever way I can, I need only a little assistance. And some money – yeah, that too lol.