It’s official – I am in a funk. After blowing up a little bit on Sunday at the wife and daughter, then having a bit of a reprieve yesterday, I find myself completely down again this morning – very cranky to say the least. I’m sure part of it has to do with the political climate right now, and the fact that I have been keeping close track of the impeachment proceedings, to the detriment of my peace of mind I’m sure. But it’s kind of like a car wreck – you know you’re going to regret looking in some sense, but you can’t help it. It’s truly astonishing to think just how divided this country is, and how almost half the country can support such a detestable, narcissistic, self-aggrandizing, cruel, rude, bully of a person in Mr Trump. I just don’t get it.
And it makes it especially difficult for me knowing just how many people at my work, including my boss and the developer who’s working on the big project I am on, and how many people in this state are Trump supporters. Even several members of my own family, including my brother, and those back in South Dakota and Montana are Trump supporters. Most of them, in fact. My mom has completely cut those people out of her life because she just can’t reconcile it. I’ve done a pretty good job staying clear of political stuff with family, but I think the repression of my true feelings is starting to weigh on me on a psychic level.
And it’s not just something that is going on here in the US. Britain is going through a very similar situation, with a similar cast of characters. It’s happening in Canada in some respect, in several countries in Europe. There is a true split of human ideologies happening right now at a much deeper and more pervasive level than I’ve ever seen or imagined. And with the rise of social media, the alt-right “fake news” narrative, YouTube, and companies like Cambridge Analytica that specialize in persuading “persuadables,” it seems that those with enough money and desire can leverage data and technology, along with people’s weak intellects, to influence their beliefs in an extremely effective, efficient, and surreptitious way. It’s truly disturbing, and I find myself getting more anxious and despondent these last few days than I’ve been in a long time.
So yeah, I’m pretty down in the dumps today, and not in the mood to deal with Jerry, or anything really. It probably doesn’t help either that I’m losing faith, again, for the umpteenth time, that anything I do as far as the blog or website stuff goes is ever going to take off. I’ve had several people encourage me over the past several years to keep going, telling me that I’m a great writer, and so on. And I was doing some great writing a number of years ago. And I thought the website for the Order was brilliant – I still do. But no one else does. And any hopes I had of attracting or helping to found some kind of “Order” appear to have just been some silly pipe dream – which makes me feel silly for refusing to give up, and continually putting myself through this. If the Universe really does have some higher purpose for me, I don’t think it’s to be any kind of literary figure, spiritual leader or anything like that for that matter. Even though i’m 16 years sober, I guess some of those old delusions of grandeur from my using days have persisted, much to my peril.
I really need to just let go of it – whatever “it” is. Part of me wonders if that means letting go of everything related to it, including my spirituality. I have certainly felt the “fuck it”s again, and feel like just throwing all of the pendants, bracelets, figurines, pyramids, yadda yadda – just throwing all of that crap in the garbage can and just giving up completely on any kind of spiritual development or progression. I mean, it’s completely possible I am just deluding myself, as Richard Dawkins claims. Maybe the atheists are right. Maybe I’m just an idiot at heart to believe there is something more, some deeper meaning to all of this.
I seriously started to think recently that I might just be past all this; that I might finally be free from having to encounter another “dark night of the soul.” And sure as shit, as so often happens, no sooner do I think that then BAM – here it comes again. Ugh. And this time, there is a bunch of negativity, confusion and division brewing in the collective consciousness as well, which makes it even more stinging.
I guess all I can really do is pray and hang on at this point. I may end up throwing everything away in a fit of anger. I may not do anything like that. I honestly don’t know what I’ll do. But I do know that I would love some kind of helping hand from HP right now. I’m feeling pretty weak spiritually, and could use a little recharge of some kind. Fortunately, this isn’t my first time through this mire, and I know this too shall pass. I was really hoping I wouldn’t have to pass this way again, but who know – maybe there are yet new things to see. I certainly hope so.