Strange side effect…

…of watching shows about people who have paranormal experiences, perform magic, channel beings, claim to have contacted or been contacted by secret societies, see UFOs, etc. And that side effect is a bit of depression. It’s a result of an icky form of envy really. I find myself thinking, “Why couldn’t that be me?” And then, inevitably, I think back to the Gisela days, remember the UFO sighting that early morning with David, remember the lightning bolt with that other Debbie, think about the whole coin-incidence – I did experience some of those things. Although I’m sure even back then, I had some jealousy, thinking other people had more powerful experiences. I remember having that when I first read “The Ultimate Frontier,” thinking about how Richard got that tutoring from Mr. White, learning about the Brotherhood, etc, and being jealous.

So yesterday, I was watching a movie about a guy who supposedly channels a being named “Bashar,” and I tried to be open-minded about it. I realized that as much as I want to believe in a lot of that type of thing, I am actually very skeptical myself. I think the guy truly believes he is channeling another entity, and perhaps he is. But it left me with that same feeling. It’s obvious he has made a career out of it, they showed him giving big public talks, and I think “Why can’t I do something like that?” Not necessarily the channeling, but being able to make a living by doing something along the mystical/metaphysical lines. Of course, just as my last post says, I am trying, AGAIN, to do just that by starting yet another website. And I would really like it to be successful. I was just going to say something defeatist, but I won’t, because I am trying to remain positive. I am waiting to really get going until we get back from our Cleveland trip.

It’s kinda’ like what happened with the Templar coin I ordered. When I got that thing, that night (or maybe the night after?) I had this weird experience, was almost like a mini flashback, where I went to the bathroom, and in the paint texture on the wall behind the toilet, I saw all these impressions of a Templar Cross – kinda like the way a person sees shapes in clouds. It reminded me a bit of a time I tripped in Prescott and saw patterns everywhere I looked, although not quite as pronounced. Well, I thought maybe old relics, especially Templar ones, held some kind of key, so when I came across a medieval ring on an auction site that had a equilateral cross on it, just like a Templar one, and it was reasonably priced, I bid on it, and won, thinking maybe I would have a similar, or even more pronounced experience. The ring is really nice, especially since I cleaned it up, but there has been no profound experience.

And who knows – maybe I’m just being too greedy spiritually. I have a wonderful life – a great wife, good kids, I’m healthy, still able to work even with the pandemic, as is Debbie – I truly am blessed. But I can’t help the spiritual yearning, and it just seems like it will never be satisfied sometimes. I want a return to the “coin-incidence” magic, but without the drugs and instability. I feel like I have paid my dues, and it should be possible..? I have been trying to do everything I can think of to “help” it along – crystals, altar, jewelry, praying and meditating, etc. Not sure what more I could be doing. I feel like I am right on the cusp, but just can’t seem to break through that last little layer – yet.

Maybe when we get back from Cleveland, things will break loose, when I can dedicate more time and effort to the site. I hope so.

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