…of watching shows about people who have paranormal experiences, perform magic, channel beings, claim to have contacted or been contacted by secret societies, see UFOs, etc. And that side effect is a bit of depression. It’s a result of an icky form of envy really. I find myself thinking, “Why couldn’t that be me?” And then, inevitably, I think back to the Gisela days, remember the UFO sighting that early morning with David, remember the lightning bolt with that other Debbie, think about the whole coin-incidence – I did experience some of those things. Although I’m sure even back then, I had some jealousy, thinking other people had more powerful experiences. I remember having that when I first read “The Ultimate Frontier,” thinking about how Richard got that tutoring from Mr. White, learning about the Brotherhood, etc, and being jealous.

So yesterday, I was watching a movie about a guy who supposedly channels a being named “Bashar,” and I tried to be open-minded about it. I realized that as much as I want to believe in a lot of that type of thing, I am actually very skeptical myself. I think the guy truly believes he is channeling another entity, and perhaps he is. But it left me with that same feeling. It’s obvious he has made a career out of it, they showed him giving big public talks, and I think “Why can’t I do something like that?” Not necessarily the channeling, but being able to make a living by doing something along the mystical/metaphysical lines. Of course, just as my last post says, I am trying, AGAIN, to do just that by starting yet another website. And I would really like it to be successful. I was just going to say something defeatist, but I won’t, because I am trying to remain positive. I am waiting to really get going until we get back from our Cleveland trip.

It’s kinda’ like what happened with the Templar coin I ordered. When I got that thing, that night (or maybe the night after?) I had this weird experience, was almost like a mini flashback, where I went to the bathroom, and in the paint texture on the wall behind the toilet, I saw all these impressions of a Templar Cross – kinda like the way a person sees shapes in clouds. It reminded me a bit of a time I tripped in Prescott and saw patterns everywhere I looked, although not quite as pronounced. Well, I thought maybe old relics, especially Templar ones, held some kind of key, so when I came across a medieval ring on an auction site that had a equilateral cross on it, just like a Templar one, and it was reasonably priced, I bid on it, and won, thinking maybe I would have a similar, or even more pronounced experience. The ring is really nice, especially since I cleaned it up, but there has been no profound experience.

And who knows – maybe I’m just being too greedy spiritually. I have a wonderful life – a great wife, good kids, I’m healthy, still able to work even with the pandemic, as is Debbie – I truly am blessed. But I can’t help the spiritual yearning, and it just seems like it will never be satisfied sometimes. I want a return to the “coin-incidence” magic, but without the drugs and instability. I feel like I have paid my dues, and it should be possible..? I have been trying to do everything I can think of to “help” it along – crystals, altar, jewelry, praying and meditating, etc. Not sure what more I could be doing. I feel like I am right on the cusp, but just can’t seem to break through that last little layer – yet.

Maybe when we get back from Cleveland, things will break loose, when I can dedicate more time and effort to the site. I hope so.