Struggling a bit…

…to maintain serenity and happiness. Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me, and I was in a pretty rotten mood. The night before, Debbie and I got into a pretty heated exchange about the kids’ (Maddie and Bubbas) planned visit in a couple of weeks. I have been maintaining that I just don’t think it’s a good time for it now, and she has been expressing what she claims is disappointment, but comes off as anger towards me, at least in my opinion. So the day started off with a bit of a cloud hanging over it. Then, we had our IIMS Security dev meeting, and it was just me and Jerry since Paul has been really busy with OneWorkforce stuff and Joshua is still out sick with covid. And unfortunately, Jerry was back to his passive aggressive ways, suggesting that I had no time to help him, and making a few other little barbs about requirements, and just in that way that he does, his authoritarian “I need, I have to have, I, I, I.” Then, a little while after that, I got a FB notification that I had received a comment on one of my ET posts, by someone I didn’t know, and I was really excited, because it was the only the second one I had ever received (Tessi left one a few days back). But when I read the comment, it was some rant about advertising on Facebook, how the person didn’t appreciate their feed being filled up against his wishes, the “rubbish” of New Age, Tarot, crystals, etc. Yeah, it wasn’t nice. I immediately deleted it, though I wish I would have saved a copy. So yeah – between the kids visit pandemic issues and feeling like I’m the bad guy, Jerry’s wonderful attitude, and the letdown over the comment – not a good day.

Debbie called and we talked a little in the afternoon. She was concerned, so we chatted about what was going on. I told her then, and again last night, that I am not going to play “pandemic police” anymore. If she wants the kids to come out in a couple of weeks, that’s fine, I’m not going to say anything. If Kyrsten doesn’t want to wear a mask, anything else like that, I’m not saying a word. I’m done. I told her I feel like everyone sees me as the one to blame about not going to the wedding, and that I don’t want to be that person anymore. She says she doesn’t, and neither does anyone else, but I can’t shake the feeling that they do. So, I just don’t care anymore. Debbie can decide about where we go and don’t go, who comes to visit when, whatever. I’m tired of fighting about it. I don’t have a good feeling about the kids coming in 2 weeks, and I think it’s unconscionable that Megan would send them out here when Arizona is one of the worst places in the world for it, but then it’s Megan – pretty sure she and Scott are both Trumpers and don’t take the virus seriously anyway – obviously. And Debbie says she feels so bad for the kids, that they don’t get out, they’ve been looking forward to it so much, etc. I get all that, I just think the pandemic kinda overrides all that, but apparently, she doesn’t, even though she says she’s on the same page. But like I said – I’m done being the pandemic police. I just don’t care anymore – whatever happens happens.

And then there is Jerry… He hit me first thing this morning, saying “he wants” to show me something. Everything is always about what he wants, “I… I…” never “hey, if you have some time today, I would like to show you something.” No, no such politeness. I didn’t reply immediately, so he sends another message stating that he is going to tell Bob how impossible it is to get the data from D3 without anyone to help show him the structure, that he was hoping to show Paul and me first. Now, maybe I was too defensive, but to me, it sounded like “you and Paul aren’t helping me, so I’m telling Bob.” And, I snapped a bit. There is a screen capture of the whole conversation somewhere, but it boiled down to me telling him, “fine, tell Bob,” and explaining that we have all been directed to do OneWorkforce stuff FIRST, which I have been working on, as well as the Threat GIS stuff, as well as the electronic signature pad stuff. And, in his Jerry way, he starts firing back – “you’re going at this wrong, what is your problem?” And that’s where it left off.

This all brings me to a bigger point, an issue I am struggling with in almost every dimension of life: interacting with anti-maskers, Trumpers, trolls, people who don’t take it as seriously as I do, etc. And in every area of life – Facebook, work, articles, emails with the Banner buds. I’m just so tired of having to constantly deal with, whether personally in meetings at work, like listening to Bob yesterday talk about how uncomfortable masks are and telling me at the end of my one on one the other day how all the kids really need to get back into school, and how Sweden didn’t even do lockdown and look how good they are doing, to trolls on the FB pages of NOVA, Chris Martenson, etc. to articles like the one today about a meeting about kids wearing masks in Utah where a bunch of people showed up, not wearing masks, to protest wearing masks. I mean, this country is just so fucking STUPID it seems. Of course not everyone is, but enough to make it exhausting and depressing having to constantly deal with them.

And it’s not like it has no impact, like one could just say, “That sucks, but it doesn’t affect me, so…” No, this DOES directly affect ALL of us. Our trip to England was cancelled because of the pandemic, which can’t really be attributed to any of this. But then the trip to New York for the wedding was cancelled because of the quarantine they ordered for people coming from AZ, which WAS a result of all this idiocy. If people had been wearing masks here all along, if the governor had enacted a mandate or at least allowed cities to much earlier, we probably would never have had such a bad outbreak. The situation with the kids coming out – if the outbreak wasn’t so bad here, as a result of the idiot president, idiot governor and idiot Trumpers who refused to wear masks, it wouldn’t even be an issue – the kids could come without worry, things might be open that aren’t now, etc. So it does have a direct impact, on all of us. Now, the EU and England have pretty much completely banned citizens from the US because of how badly we are handling the pandemic – which could cause our trip, which we moved to the end of August, to be cancelled/moved AGAIN. See how this pattern is forming? These idiots are starting to fuck up not only my life, but a LOT of other people’s.

And these are just the luxury problems that have arisen. The harsher fact is, people are dying from this stuff – a 42 year old DJ who worked at Dierks Bentley, about a half mile from where we live, died on Sunday. A coworker, Josh, has been sick for 2 weeks with it. He is getting better, so I don’t think he will croak. Another coworker, someone from HR, has been in the hospital on a ventilator for a while. I haven’t heard anything lately, but it wasn’t sounding good for her. So it’s real, it’s sickening and killing people – and yet there are STILL a number of people out there supporting Trump, saying he’s doing a great job, protesting wearing masks, fighting to send kids back to school… it’s just unreal.

I go back to the thing I have though for so, so long: why the hell am I here? Either there is no God, no ultimate purpose or meaning, and I’m suffering through all of this unncessarily, caring

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