Legally.

That’s the question that is burning in my mind this morning after waking up at 4am with thoughts about the book coming very, very strongly to me. I so wished I would have had the opportunity to jump out of bed and write down the stuff that was coming to me. Honestly, I could have – there was nothing really stopping me. The major concepts, the ideas to talk about, the purpose, the intro and title – it was all there. I felt for the first time since all this started happening again that I know exactly what I want to write about.

And more than that, I thought about how to speak to it, how to market it, “add-ons,” like a corresponding mobile app.. basically an entire business plan of sorts. Of course when I say “business,” I don’t necessarily mean it in the sense that the business world thinks of it. I don’t have some plan to market something that will make people a ton of money. I mean, I do think the book will be very successful, especially given the trick marketing campaign I have thought up (or has come to me maybe I should say). I even have an idea for a little “shtick” that will make it extra cool to all the millenials and young whippersnappers out there – a cool hashtag. Now, the trick is getting the funding to take the time I want to dedicate to really put all this stuff together.

I have been trying and trying to remember a site I had posted something to back in 2012 seeking investors for my “alternative community” that would survive 2012 lol. It was a pretty neat site, and while I obviously didn’t attract any investors, it was easy to use and seemed like it would fit the purpose I need now. I know there are people out there who write books while they are working their 9 to 5 jobs, and if I were better at multi-tasking, perhaps I could do that too. The thing is, I am having to take time away from my “real” job to write this stuff as the inspiration comes, and it honestly doesn’t feel good – it’s not right. At the same time, I am being compelled to write this stuff very strongly now, so I find myself in a bit of a conundrum.

I even thought this morning about taking a huge risk and seeing if I could get a small business loan for $250K. I’m fairly certain I could think up something web-based to get it. The thing is, I am terrified of what happens if I don’t succeed, then I owe all that money, and having been out of the field for a year, have a tough time getting back into the labor market. Part of me says “you know you can do it! Take the chance!” The other part of me says “are you crazy? You have a wife, kids, animals to feed and house – you can’t afford to risk their security like that!” So what am I to do…?

Again this morning, I made my plea to the Universe for a break of some kind. Honestly, it was a bit of a teary one, because I feel this so deeply, right down to the very core of my being – the person I have been since I can remember, and the thing I always wanted to do. It seems every time I read the story of someone who “made it,” they had some kind of small break – someone noticed them, or encouraged them, or something along those lines. I am really praying for my break. I remember back in ’90 when I quit my job at the bank and went to live with Willy to write my book. And I did just that. I spent many hours at his computer, organizing all of my works, typing them up, and putting rough drafts together to send out. And I did just that – sent them out to 10-11 different publishers. So it’s not like I haven’t done it before, and not like I wouldn’t actually complete the work. The difference is back then, I was young and single and could work like 20 hours a week so I would have time to write the book. I don’t really have that option now – not if I want to keep my family clothed, fed and sheltered.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I am trying to do my part to make something happen. I have this blog I am actively posting to, I have my website that I am working on, I created a profile on writers.work, and am now trying to figure out how to secure some funding. I just need the Universe to do me a solid and give me a little “break” of some kind. The past few days, whenever I have prayed about something, it has been wild the way the Universe has answered; yesterday, finding the article about quantum monism; today, looking in my gmail inbox to see an email from David Wilcox talking about “going deeper.” I wonder what today will hold…?

This is absolutely incredible, this article posted in Scientific American today about something referred to as “Quantum Monism”:

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/quantum-monism-could-save-the-soul-of-physics/

Pretty hard to not think of that as some kind of new religion or spiritual philosophy at the least. The ramifications of that article are truly astonishing – basically mirroring EXACTLY what I have been thinking for some time – that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING in our universe is quantum entangled. In fact, I think I have a post that talks about that very thing – I need to find it so I don’t have to re-state it….

(post link to my own post here)

To think that something like this is coming out in Scientific American, a very highly respected scientific magazine…. wow. I am literally tripping out! For those who don’t know, understand or care about this stuff, it’s no big deal. But for me personally – I can’t even describe what this means – to think that the whole paradigm of materialism and current understanding of the foundations of our very reality might be changing at the level that really matters (or so they think lol) – the the much-revered and all-hallowed halls of the high and mighty edifice of science built on materialism, and all that issues forth from it. Wow.

That term seems to capture the way I am feeling about all this “magick,” metaphysical, writing stuff right now. I can actually visualize it – me, sitting in a little boat on a sea that is completely calm – glass smooth. There are no winds pushing me one way or another, no waves creating motion, just stillness, and an uncomfortable feeling that I really should be moving towards something or somewhere. And to be fair, there have been little “breezes” that have come through – like finding out recently that a person I worked with who retired last week shares a lot of the same thoughts and ideas I do about this stuff. That’s been pretty awesome, and I probably shouldn’t be under-appreciative.

I guess I am just impatient about all of this. No, I know I am. I first tried to publish something way back in ’90, and had quite a run as a mystic/guru of sorts in the mid to late 90’s. Then there was a long period during which not much happened after getting sober in 2003 – at least not much in the way of powerful metaphysical experiences. There was the exception of watching the movie “What the Bleep Do We Know?” and the dive into quantum physics it started, which continues to this day. That did open up some new thoughts to me, and I ended up getting quite the self-education in quantum physics – which in turn has led me back to metaphysics. And I was thinking this morning how crazy it seems that most of the truly “wow” moments I experience are when I’m reading articles on the latest advances in quantum physics, not necessarily spiritual or metaphysical stuff. How paradoxical that the system of thought that was responsible for the gross, seemingly unassailable materialist views that have ruled the last century’s scientific views is now having to grapple with the thought – the reality – that materialism is failing them; it is no longer capable, at least in its current form, of explaining the how and why of everything that happens in our universe. And I (and I assume many other spiritual seekers – especially those who are scientifically-minded themselves) am rejoicing!

Now, I am just trying to figure out a way to “get in on it” if you will. I have so many ideas about many different things, things I would so like to try regarding NI and spirituality; thoughts I would like to gather, consolidate and capture in the form of a book; ideas I would like to implement regarding putting together some kind of group of like-minded people (see OSM on Magickmeme.com). Of course I tell myself I just don’t have the time or money, and keep praying for some kind of financial windfall or miracle. But the honest truth is, I do have the time – at least I could make the time. I just choose not to. I choose to not take time away from my wife or other areas of my life to write and do other things. I so admire those people who achieved success by working a regular job, then spending a lot of other time working on something, making personal sacrifices, burning the candle at both ends. I believe that if I were willing to do that, I would probably have a much better chance at making it. And I certainly can’t blame anyone – not God, not the Universe, not “the man” – for me not achieving more.

As I was pondering that stuff this morning though, I came to the honest conclusion that for me to actually write my book though, it would be extremely difficult to do without having a block of dedicated time when I could work 8-9 hours a day, unimpeded, to figure out an outline, gather all of the information I would want to include, and actually do the writing. I don’t know how long it might actually take – maybe I could get it done in like a month? – at least the outline, research gathering, and first chapter or 2. And maybe I need to set my sights on a smaller goal like that. And maybe the Universe is waiting for me to get something together first, kind of like a venture capitalist expects to see a business plan before they will just throw money at something. That thought just came to me, and the thought of what the book would actually be about, the main purpose, came to me this morning. So maybe I will start working on that – a clear purpose, an outline of things to cover, a title maybe…? I’m not sure if this blog is the best place to put that together, or if a page on Magickmeme is…? I’m thinking the latter, because I can add pages to it.

Ok Universe, I am listening. I am going to start getting at least something going. No more excuses, no more blaming circumstances, and no more doing nothing as I wait for that lottery win lol.

The waiting really is the hardest part. Especially when you don’t know exactly what you’re waiting for, or if you should be waiting at all. That’s pretty much the situation I find myself in right now. I feel as though I am waiting for “something” – some kind of sign or guidance to help me figure out what to do next with all of this. I did finally get a response back from one of the communication attempts I made – a response to a post I made on Gary Lachman’s personal site, asking about “The Templar Tradition” book, if he had ever heard of or read it. He said he hadn’t, and asked if it was related to the mass suicides/murders that happened with the order the book mentions, The International Order of Chivalry Solar Tradition. I replied that I wasn’t sure, but that the content of the book didn’t seem to match with that kind of behavior, and asked if he would be up to corresponding a bit more via email about it. I have yet to hear back from him – but then that was just yesterday, so…

In any case, I’ve determined to pay more attention to the song lyrics I sing, as I referenced a bit in my last post, and am really working on monitoring what I tell myself. It strikes me just how many negative messages we tell ourselves, most completely unconsciously or unknowingly, under the guise of “entertainment.” Thinking about the first 3 songs on my Amazon playlist, all of them have some negative affirmations. I’ve actually thought about starting some kind of service that takes popular songs and re-records them with the verbiage changed to positive self-talk phrases. It probably sounds a little kooky, but the fact is, I believe words have power, and we don’t take that power nearly seriously enough.

I have been on the other side too, where I believed that through positive affirmations all by themselves basically, I could achieve all kinds of awesome stuff. And my experience showed that was not the case – at least not in my experience. One could argue that maybe I didn’t believe the words enough, or I wasn’t saying the right ones, or wasn’t doing it correctly – any number of reasons why it didn’t work that don’t necessarily indicate that IT doesn’t work. But I believe that for certain things to happen, they have to fit in with the current “flow” of life and the universe. And if they don’t, well, no amount of positive affirmations is going to make them happen – at least not if they are ones that involve other people.

But here, we are talking about personal affirmations that can affect the way I think about myself: “I don’t believe in fate, no psychic vision,” “I keep on moving backwards, keep on losing faith,” “the less I know the better” – all of these could just sound like harmless lyrics. But, other than than the first one , which is honestly more personal that anything, these statements are not positive, and are not ones I would make to myself if I was hoping to gain greater faith and hope, hoping to gain more knowledge and wisdom and progress spiritually. No, these are all messages that would seem to indicate a desire to do just the opposite – and therefore, they are things I wouldn’t want to say to myself.

So I am working hard to overcome my own negative thinking. Something I have been saying to myself a lot lately is “I don’t know what to do.” Well, it stands to reason that if somewhere in my subconscious, a part of me did know what to do, but I kept telling myself that, I could convince that part of myself that I did NOT know what to do, and fulfill the self-fulfilling prophecy. So I am changing it to “I’m not yet certain what I should do,” to put out the fact that I could possibly know, and the ‘yet’ to frame it as I might very well know in the future exactly what to do. So it is not being dishonest with myself, and it is also not cementing some negative belief. I am trying to scrutinize all of my self talk in this way, hoping to have a better chance at manifesting some dreams.

On a bit of a side note – I found out about this guy named Kevin Quantum today, and I must say I am pretty jelly… Seems he is living the life I might dream for myself. He supposedly started out as a scientist, a physicist, and now works as an actual magician who incorporates comedy and physics into his routine. Seriously Universe? Why you gotta’ be like dat? I could have gone my whole life without knowing about this alter ego. But no. I have to find out about this guy who is basically everything I aspire to be – at least outwardly, in title and career. And it doesn’t help that I have already been thinking that pretty much everything I think and believe has already been put out in books and other media by different people – so what is the point really? Seems as though there is really nothing unique for me to add, and with guys like him walking around – well, it seems like quantum kev has already manifested – in someone else.

So maybe I just enjoy the life I have, be super grateful for it, and be happy for Kevin Quantum, Greg and others who are living my dream. Because in many senses, I am living my dream too. I have the awesome partner, great kids, stable job, nice home, good friends – lots and lots of good stuff. I would like add a career as a writer or something to all of that too. But if I had to give up anything I have now for that, I would not do it. I have what I always wanted most, and I know that if I really want to succeed as a writer or something else, I need to work at it – I can’t just expect some handout from the Universe. I am not owed anything, and it would be SO hypocritical to act as if I am.

I’ve been thinking about plunking down the $47 to try writers work and maybe giving that a go. At least then I could actually DO something to try to achieve my dream instead of just waiting for someone to plop it in my lap lol. I have a lot of doubt, fear, insecurity, etc to be sure. I know the fear of economic insecurity has not completely left me. But perhaps I can find a way to keep the job I have now and still write a little…? I guess I am scared I’m not as good a writer as I used to be too. Sometimes I read stuff from a while back and think, “wow, that was great! I don’t know if I could even write that now.” But as I shared last night at a meeting: it isn’t for people who need it, or who want it – it’s for people who DO it. I need to quit complaining and do it. Only then can I know for sure whether or not there is something there or not.