I was planning to write something original about the Divine Feminine concept, and to be certain, I will eventually. But rather than let an opportunity to share some valuable wisdom pass by, I thought I would share a few paragraphs from a book that scarcely seems to exist – meaning that it is out of print, has been for some time, and I’ve never met anyone else who has actually heard of it. If you read or have read any of the other posts here, you know it – “The Templar Tradition” by Gaetan Delaforge. And it is NOT your average Templar book. I have read several, and this one is much more focused on the Western Esoteric Tradition and principals and beliefs from the Primordial Tradition. I have even tried to get in touch with the author (a pseudonym) and the publisher, but no dice. This is a very long way of saying that I am going to reprint some of it here, but honestly, I would be SHOCKED – and in a good way! – if anyone actually noticed or said anything. So without further justification, here are some of the key bits from the chapter “The Divine Feminine” from that work. This is a good introduction to that concept as I can think of.

“FROM EARLIEST TIMES Man perceived that life around him manifested itself at all levels through a perpetual interplay between the male and female polarities. As he has done with many things, he evolved symbols to represent the male and female principles. The feminine creative principle has been known by many names throughout history. For example, in Babylon it was represented by Ishtar, in Syria Ashtoreth, in Phoenicia Astarte, in Greece Aphrodite, in Egypt Isis, and in the Western world Mary.

…

According to the Jungian school of psychoanalysis, many of today’s psychological ills are due to the non-integration of our opposite polarities. Followers of Jung have drawn attention to the fact that in the contemporary male the feminine side is repressed, while the opposite is true for the female sex. They also claim that dream analysis can help to reconcile us with the repressed sides of ourselves. Techniques have been employed for centuries by esoteric schools to achieve the integration of the positive and negative polarities of the human psyche. The Temple tradition in particular has been the guardian of many of these techniques.

The Hebrew conception of a masculine creator favored by Moses and the prophets has so strongly influenced the think ing of Western man that even today many people find it difficult to think of God as having feminine characteristics. This state of mind has greatly reinforced the traditional atti tude that women are not quite equal to men. Fortunately, as mentioned in the chapters on the Grail, Western society has begun, if as yet unconsciously, to respond to the power of the feminine polarity. The rise of women to positions of power and responsibility hitherto reserved for men is an indication of this evolution.”

I will post my personal thoughts on this soon, but this will provide a good foundation.

Of my site, that is. Yes, I have created yet ANOTHER new domain name and new site to go along with it. Of course, it’s not really a new site – it’s just had a “makeover” and renaming. And while I have been through this many, MANY times (can’t even count the number of different domains/sites/blogs I’ve had), I honestly have a really good feeling about this – like one I haven’t really had before, or at least not in as long as I can remember. Why? I don’t know. But I do.

It probably sounds a bit silly, but I feel like it might be related to some changes I’ve made to my amulet collection. I decided, after being bummed out to realize that even as much as I don’t WANT it to be, the Templar Cross will forever be associated with Nazis and white supremacy, to do a bit of a 180 and get some pendants that reflect the divine feminine. I realized that while I have a whole (ahem, yeahhh..) ‘page’ devoted to it on this site (I’m going to add more to it soon, really!) I don’t really have any pendants at all that have any kind of goddess/feminine energy working. I mean, I have tons of crystals and stones, but I’m talking more about the metal ones. So I decided to take care of that, and got a couple of really cool ones. The first one is a circular Isis pendant, and the second, a little smaller triple moon goddess with a tree of life and pentacle. It’s in sterling silver, and while very pretty, not overly feminine. I mean, I want it for that energy, but it doesn’t necessarily look like something only a woman would wear. Which is good, because as much as I would like to think I wouldn’t care if it did, I probably would – and I think the wife might too.

Now it might sound kooky to some to think that a simple pendant or 2 could have any real impact, but then I believe in all that stuff – even if only is as much as the symbols speak to our subconscious, and there may be things that are activated or brought into the mind under the level of conscious awareness that can assist us in ways we might not explicitly perceive. And, in this case, there IS the conscious aspect too. I believe very much in the goddess power, I feel strongly about the fact that the masculine has had complete dominance for too long, and also think that the feminine energy is more associated with the psychic, the unconscious, the mystery – magic. And of course, it’s not like some big revelation thinking that or anything – great mystics have believed that way for millenia.

So will the simple act of getting a few new pedants really change the course of this site? No. But then it wasn’t just that. The outer has inspired changes in perspective on the inner, as well as a re-dedication to actually try to DO something – even if it’s just writing – about the divine feminine I claim to revere so much. I guess the most immediate incarnation I can think of that applies is Mother Earth, Mother Nature, the Moon – all things I associate with Goddess energy, and all things that I feel deeply about. So perhaps I need to start focusing on writing about them, or at the very least, being more aware of their energy.

This wasn’t really the post I thought would be the first one here – I thought it would be about what I mean by “forgotten mystic.” And certainly, that post will happen soon. But this seems like the perfect one to inaugurate this new site. I am making a slight change in course, and moving more towards the “magician/witch” aspect, and away from the “warrior/monk” aspect. That’s not to say I still don’t feel an affinity for the true Knights Templar – I always will, no matter what, because of the Coin-incidence. But perhaps that was a stop on my journey, not the final destination, and it’s time to move farther up the mountain. I am excited to be taking this step, and looking forward to the new vistas and experiences it brings. Thank you God/Goddess 🙂

I had been looking for a legitimate Templar pendant for a LONG time and having quite a bit of difficulty finding one. Initially, I wanted the seal, like on the coin in the front of the Templar Tradition book, and after a long search, found and purchased a pretty awesome one on Etsy from a guy who makes them in – get this – Israel. Even better, the town he lives in is very close to Acre, which was one of the main Templar strongholds over there. I love the pendant, and wear it a lot.

But I had also wanted a Templar cross – a red one, like this:

Seemed like a pretty simple thing, so I set out looking online (and in stores when possible) for one. But surprisingly, finding one that was a suitable size (not huge, like some guido pendant lol), shape, color, etc proved rather challenging. I spent more minutes and hours than I would like to admit searching for that perfect one. Until finally, just a few weeks ago, I found one on a Google image search. And guess who was selling it?

I mean, it makes perfect sense. And I had never even thought to look there, didn’t even consider they had a gift shop or anything. But I’m glad I was patient and perseverant and kept looking, because how perfect is it that the pendant came from Rosslyn Chapel?!? Honestly, it’s just too cool. I would never have imagined I could get a great Templar cross pendant from Rosslyn Chapel itself.

So I took a little pic to capture the physical elements of the Quest to this point, hence the title of this post: The Templar Tradition book that started it all; an actual Templar coin from the 12th-14th century; and the latest addition, a Templar pendant from Rosslyn Chapel.

And to finish out this post with a little added dose of magic and mysticism – a pic of the blessing of the pendant on my altar at full power 🙂

When most people think of what kind of career they would like to have, where they would like to find success, I’m guessing the majority of people don’t consider these options – at least not most of them, and certainly not all of them. But I found myself meditating this morning and thinking – which one am I? Which one would I like to be? Do I have to pick just one? I mean, there is already precedent for warrior monks – those closest to my spirit, The (True) Templars. And of course in Buddhism, we have the Shaolin monks. So the role of warrior-monk is already established. And in some sense, one could even stretch it to say that monks are in essence priests of sort, and certainly in the Bible, Moses was a sort of “priestly warrior,” as were many of the other prophets. Regarding the other choices, magician, shaman and mystic can all be seen as aspects of one thing. And certainly, a shaman holds the role of the supreme mystic and magician at the same time. So it’s not hard to see how those three could be interchanged. But what about mixing all 5 – what would that look like?

When I think about it, I guess Moses makes a pretty candidate for an example of one who embodied all 5, though he wasn’t a magician in the sense that he really tried to be one – at least not from the information that has been handed down through the ages. Who knows what his real practice was like. Maybe he did perform rituals, meditate, do creative visualizations – heck, maybe he even wore crystals! Lol. Seriously though – isn’t there a part in the Bible where it talks about the high priests and their breast plates or something, and the stones in them? It’s not that much of a stretch. But the fact is, we don’t really know for sure if Moses was trying to be a magician, or if Yahweh simply performed magic through him when necessary – the parting of the Red Sea, the staff into a snake in front of the Pharaoh, etc. Of course that wouldn’t make him less of a magician necessarily, I’m just curious about intent.

Another personage that comes to mind, and one of my favorite characters of all time, is Hermes Trismegistus. So much is attributed to him. It could easily be said that he was a priest of sorts, definitely a magician and mystic, and in some sense – though not as strongly – a shaman. But was he a warrior? It seems he was more of a teacher than a warrior. But maybe a teacher is a warrior too – a mental warrior. I guess I never really thought about it that way. And to be certain, when I refer to a “warrior,” I don’t mean someone who carries a gun or sword around fighting battles and such. I mean someone like Ghandi, or Christ, or Buddha, or Mother Theresa – a spiritual warrior. So in that sense, perhaps Hermes was a warrior too. And looking at it like that, maybe it is a natural combination for a person to be all 5.

I know for sure that to be a spiritual seeker on the path to Truth, one has to have the spirit of a warrior to keep seeking over any period of time. This world is not interested in Truth – not actual Truth – and one has to exert constant, unceasing, earnest, heartfelt, sincere, patient, etc etc effort to make progress on the path. It is often slow going, and there are vast deserts of loneliness and hopelessness that await the seeker. One comes to learn that there isn’t just one “dark night of the soul” – no, it is a recurring experience, one that must be persevered repeatedly, sometimes lasting years. I have had multiple ones, and I know other seekers have as well. And that’s where one must have the heart of a true warrior – to make it through that dark night without completely giving up, without getting irretrievably lost, without making a decision that can’t be reversed.

What got me thinking about all this is that I have, for a long time now, considered myself to be 4 of those 5, at least in some sense, but never really thought of the ‘magician’ label as fitting. Probably because I have always been apprehensive of “magic,” in that I have real concerns that those who seek to do magic – like REAL magick – open themselves up to powerful energies that can easily overcome them if their intentions aren’t pure. And one doesn’t have to think of fictional or mythological narratives to see how power can corrupt. So I have always held the “magician” title at arm’s length. Not to mention, I would feel pretty silly calling myself such, since I don’t do ‘spells’ and such. But then when I read stuff like that phrase from “The Magic of the Middle Ages,” it resonates so deeply with me, I start to wonder – maybe I do align with the path of the magician? Could that be what’s ‘missing’ for me to move forward in my journey – the acceptance of that role?

I never really thought of it before, but writing this has helped me to clarify what I was wondering about in my mediation. I see now how someone like Moses could have held the role of magician, even if that wasn’t his primary role, and he didn’t consider himself one – at least not like the Aleister Crowley or Merlin types that come to mind when one thinks of them. So I think going forward, I am going to embrace that role a little more fully. I’m not saying I am going to start doing rituals, or casting spells, none of that. But I am going to allow myself to accept that archetype as part of my being – to welcome and embrace it. I just feel like there is some aspect of my inner self that is being neglected a bit, and perhaps it is the magician calling from inside me.

I had thought about posting this on my private blog, because I had intended at one point to keep this just to stuff about the Coin-incidence and the story about it. But, as with all my other writing/blogging efforts, seems like this is going to be for an audience of one, so why go to the bother to hide it, right? And I don’t think there is much appetite for the story anyway. Perhaps that is part of what is getting me down. I’m sure it is.

I think another part of it is the fact that as much as I want to think that there is some community out there waiting for me to join, or waiting to join me, it seems like there might not actually be one. I came across a quote in an antiquarian book I picked up recently, “The Magic of the Middle Ages” by Viktor Rydberg, and it gave me a little comfort:

“The individual seeker after truth may gain enlightenment, but for himself alone, not for humanity. Therefore a magician confines the wisdom he acquires to his own bosom, or imparts it to a single pupil, or buries it under obscure expressions which he commits to parchment; but he neither can nor will impart it without reserve to humanity whose path appears to lead downward into a constantly deeper night.”

It comforted me to know that I’m definitely not the first person to feel this way, and perhaps, in this sense, my path is closer to that of the ‘magician.’ But it also made me a bit sad, because indeed, it does seem like the general path of humanity “appears to lead downward into a constantly deeper night.” I think some of what is going on with the political situation makes me feel that way too. Yes, Biden won the presidency, and thank GOD. But it seems very likely that Trump will not be convicted in his impeachment trial, even though what he did is SOOOO blatantly impeachment-worthy. Why? Because of partisan politics and cowardice on the part of the GOP. It’s gotten so bad that a president can incite an insurrection – LITERALLY – and STILL not be held accountable. Very demoralizing.

And of course there is the spiritual side of it for me. Again, I got all excited because of all the coin-incidences, and the email from Professor Pasulka about my first post on this site – thought that maybe this was my “shot,” my “breakthrough.” But she hasn’t responded since, even after I sent her an email about the post on the actual Coin-incidence. I tried one follow up email, but am just going to let it go. I’m sure she has enough going on in her life and work that she has no time or interest in starting a dialogue with yet another person who has an interesting story they want to share with her. So I probably put too much significance on that. And perhaps I have put too much significance on all this.

But then I go back to the quote from Rydberg’s book, and wonder – maybe that’s the path I’m on – the path of the lonely mystic; the path of The Hermit from the Tarot. Maybe – and I say this hoping it doesn’t sound too arrogant – I am just beyond those other paths, and the one I am on is that path of the individual seeker of truth; maybe I need to realize that what I am really seeking, and what my Path is, is enlightenment for myself. And I can’t expect others to take any real interest in it – can’t expect others to want follow or join my efforts, because they have their own paths. Perhaps what I secretly want is more ego based – I want to be “recognized” or revered for my efforts; I want to be an “influencer” of the spiritual sort. Maybe inside I do have some not-so-hidden agenda, and I need to let that go in order to find what I am really looking for. I was thinking I wish I could find the source material Rydberg used for that chapter in his book, or find out who he quoted. I’d like to hear more about that seeker’s experiences on his or her path.

I have even ordered some spiritual guidance readings from Etsy, hoping to get some advice. They have pretty much all said the same thing – that the answers are inside myself, and that I should meditate to learn more. I have been doing that, and had a great meditation on the Divine Feminine the other morning – saw a white light, for just a brief moment, at the top of my head as I was closing my eyes and praying to the Divine Feminine. So it seems like that is something I need to focus on more. I don’t recall ever seeing a light like that in all my years of meditating. And even though it was brief, and not super huge or bright, it was definitely noticeable and something new.

Another thing I need to work on is just letting go of the idea of getting recognized, or becoming well-know, or founding some order, or being “discovered” by an existing one – any and all of that stuff. I need to make peace with the path of solitude, TRULY accept it, in my innermost self, and keep moving forward. Maybe that’s what’s holding me back from making more progress? Maybe I need to surrender to “win,” just like in AA. I need to overcome my addiction to approval, praise and recognition and be ok with moving forward on my Quest with that knowledge. I mean, it’s been that way for years and years now, and hoping and wishing it was different has gained me nothing but sadness.

And besides, I’m not alone – I’m never alone, and I know that. Those Spirits that have called me onward, accompanied and spoken to me have always been there and continue to comfort and guide me. I need to acknowledge the Truth of that and move forward. And so that is what I am going to do. I will keep posting, keep reading, keep writing, keep seeking, knowing that while there might not be any other incarnate humans accompanying me on my Quest, I am never alone either. May the Coin-incidence continue, may the Path expand before me, and may I be worthy of more revelations.

After writing that last post, I realized that, in some sense, I have again been banished to the back of the classroom. In this instance, the classroom is anywhere scientific or philosophical discussion are happening (most often, Facebook, Twitter, etc at the current moment, because of the pandemic) and the “teacher” is any one of the many materialists and/or atheists out there defending their church of materialism. And make no mistake – it is a religion of its own, its dogma every bit as demanding and strenuous as the most severe Christian one of ages past, and its priests, prophets and missionaries willing to give their all to defend their sacred scriptures that state science is god now, none shall question this god’s pronouncement, and anyone who believes in the “old God” or any kind of spirituality or mysticism is a heretic, not worthy of listening to, and shall be immediately banished into the hell or purgatory of irrelevance or humiliation.

Now some people might think this sounds way too harsh, and would strongly deny this is the case. But as someone who has made the mistake (one I will continue to make though – hehe!) of even suggesting something other than a purely material explanation for some kind of phenomenon, I can tell you that the punishment is severe; the banishment real; and the lack of openness to new ideas complete. In fact, I think the Inquisitors of old would be jealous of the religious edifice the materialists have put in place, because it has taken such a complete hold over all things, especially in this technological age, and they don’t even have to physically torture or kill people anymore to get them to renounce their mystical heresy! No, that’s because atheism is probably the most “in” it’s ever been. In the circles of science, the “cool kids” don’t believe in god, or anything non-material. Only losers think that science and materialism can’t explain everything. And just because they can’t now doesn’t give anyone any kind of reason to propose other solutions: the churches verdicts are FINAL.

That being said, I have spent many, many hours of my life reading and learning about quantum physics, consciousness, the origin of life and intelligence, DNA – you know, light subjects like that lol. And all those scientists or scientifically-minded people who like to espouse their beliefs that there is no God, that it’s silly or even ignorant to believe in one, and tend to patronize or talk down to people who do believe in one – when asked “what or who created the big bang?” or “how do you explain the counter-intuitive behavior of particles at the quantum level?” or other hard to answer questions, they tend to fall back on the ‘many worlds’ hypothesis, which states that for every single interaction in the world, in the universe, an entirely new universe splits off for each different choice or option that could be made.

So if you are out car shopping, and can’t decide on what car to buy, there is a universe that splits off where you bought a Kia, one that splits off where you bought a Ford, one that splits off where you bought a Dodge, ad infinitum. And this process happens every millisecond, of every day, for every single person on earth (all 7+ billion of them) – all of this so they, the high priests of materialism, can avoid a possible conclusion that the observer effect can suggest: that it is consciousness that is primary, and that matter is a resultant property of it – not the other way around. To some, this suggests that there is something more than material reality, some underlying force or Source of consciousness, and that Source is something some ancients called God, others called Brahman, still others called The Great Spirit, etc.

It is the old dualism vs materialism debate, and the materialists claim victory and think that dualists  are silly, ignorant, or just haven’t learned enough to know the “truth.” But to this, I like to ask whatever happened to Occam’s Razor – the postulate that states for a number of different hypotheses provided to explain an observed behavior, the simplest one, with the least assumptions necessary is the most likely correct one? Is it really easier to believe that there are an infinite number of universes for every single possible outcome for any interaction? Or is it simpler to believe that there is some higher power or creative intelligence, some force that we do not completely understand that underlies or guides and shapes our reality? I like the old analogy of a tornado rolling through a junkyard and after passing, a perfect 747 jet is sitting there, ready to fly into the air. That is rather the explanation that we are required to believe to avoid believing in God. Oh, but of course there are an infinite number of universes in which that tornado went through that junkyard, and we just HAPPEN to live in the one where it created the jumbo jet. Ok.

What do we observe in our world? Do complex structures like airplanes, skyscrapers, particle colliders just arise out of random interactions? Do I believe that if we threw a bunch of steel and other materials down, in a billion years they would? No, I don’t, and that’s not what I observe. Complex systems in this world have creators, and as someone who creates them for a living, I have a special appreciation for them. Do I develop an entirely new application every time any user takes any action, and continue doing that indefinitely? There are plenty of users who wish I would, for sure! Lol. And I know the analogy is very loose – I can hear in my head some intellectual person who is much smarter than I formulating a blistering response to that drivel haha. But the fact is, even science doesn’t believe this. e.g. the concept of entropy, which states that the degree of disorder or randomness in a system tends to increase – not decrease.

But I decided long ago to stop arguing with the members of the Church of Materialism. It takes too much energy, and it’s not important to me to convince them what is real and what is not. In fact, I can’t even claim to know that completely myself. But I do believe that materialist science does not have all the answers. And because we all exist in our own consciousness, which to date, still evades materialist description, it may never have them. I believe, as did the mystics through all the ages – and, much to the churches consternation, even many of the greatest scientific minds of all time – that there is something “more.” And it is the search to better understand what that “more” is, to get a clearer glimpse of it, that guides my life now, just as it did then. They can still try banish me to the back of the classroom, but they don’t realize – I dropped out of their school a long time ago, quit their church, and am loving my life of heresy!

I found out pretty early on that most people, especially adults, don’t like being asked that question – and especially in an educational or authoritative setting. One might think, rightly so, that a classroom is the perfect place to ask “Why?” But that was often not the case, as I came to find out.

I was a curious child, probably more so than some, and I’m certain there were times when I was that annoying kid who asked, “Why?” – was told an answer, to which he asked, “Why?” – was told another answer, to which – you get it. I don’t think I was that way that often, but then it’s hard sometimes to judge ourselves accurately, especially looking so far into the past. But I really wanted to know the ‘why’ to the big questions. Why are there some people who are homeless, when there are other people who have so many houses, they don’t ever even stay in some of them? Why are people, especially kids, so cruel to each other? Why do people claim to be Christians, but then act so opposite to the way Christ did? Why do we have to have money? Why can’t we use another system?

And while I thought that there just had to be other kids or people who asked these questions, I was quite surprised to find that most just don’t. Most people go one or 2 levels deep, and when they hit the “Because God made it that way,” or “Because I said so,” that was good enough for them, and they just let it go. Me, not so much. I recognized this for what it was – somebody being afraid or embarrassed to admit they didn’t know and dodging the question. Looking back, I don’t understand why more people didn’t just simply say, “I don’t know.” Oh, but wait – some did. We all remember the old, “I don’t know, ask your mom/dad/grandpa/teacher.” Lol. In fact, I’m sure many of us parents would say that now, if not for Google. It has become the oracle that now knows all the “whys”. How many times have I heard myself say to my kids, “I don’t know, go Google it.” But I digress.

Asking “why?” too much was actually a punishable offense I came to discover. I remember in 3rd grade, I had a fairly mean old woman (you’ll see why I refer to her that way) for a teacher. As usual, I often asked, “Why?” and sometimes, if she tried to just brush my questions aside, I would push a little more for an actual answer. I think she was too proud to just say “I don’t know.” In any case, after a few months, she grew tired of me, and decided to banish me: she sat me in a desk at the back of the room, separated from the rest of the class, and instead of interacting with her and everyone else, I was to complete the studies on my own. If I was “so smart,” I could just complete the class without assistance or help was her thinking I guess. I was 9 years old. Needless to say, my mom did NOT like that very well, and when teacher conferences came, she gave Mrs. Forkner a piece of her mind! And my mom was NOT someone you wanted to tell you off. She was a drill instructor in the Army National Guard – so, yeahhh.

I remember thinking so many times when I was young that I must have been born in the wrong time period. Either God had messed up, or played some sick joke on me, because certainly these weren’t “my people.” There just weren’t any “others.” Actually, that’s not entirely true. There were – but only in stories, myths, legends, and spiritual texts. I was especially drawn to the tales of King Arthur and his knights, and felt as though surely, THAT was the time period I was supposed to be born into – a time when chivalry meant something, and being kind, respectful and sensitive to the travails of others meant something. And that was another characteristic I had: I was an extremely sensitive kid, very empathic. I cried at the end of “The Hunchback of Notre Dame.” Most people thought I was silly. I cried for a lot of the last, torturous part of “Jesus of Nazareth.” And I really sobbed at the end of “The Elephant Man.” That poor guy. So many people were just so horrible to him. How could they act that way? How could anyone be so mean?

And I got to find out firsthand. Maybe that’s why I was particularly sensitive to it. I was bullied a lot when I was a kid. I was almost always the shortest kid in the class. I had a big nose. I had straight hair, like Alfalfa in “The Little Rascals.” I had freckles. I was smart, a nerd. So I had all KINDS of stuff to get teased for, and I did – all the time. My family was always supportive, and assured me that I was smart, and kind, and funny, and that those kids should be pitied; that someday, I would be successful and everything would be ok. But it couldn’t stop me from hating myself, and from being mad at God for making me such an easy target by “blessing” me with so many things that kids loved to make fun of. I was certain it wouldn’t have been this way in the times of King Arthur, or in the times of Jesus. One of them would have appreciated me for who I was, and wouldn’t have cared about all that stuff. So where was the modern incarnation of the Knights of the Round Table? Where were the disciples of Jesus who carried forward his teachings into the current day and age? Where indeed.

In books. That’s where they were – that’s where they lived. They were only myths, much to my great sadness. And there just weren’t any “others.” I certainly had some wonderful friends and loving family members. But none really wanted to join the Quest to find the truths I was looking for. I would have to be ok going it on my own.

I was 10 years old, laying in bed that night, crying. Like really crying – a pain deep in my chest, sobbing. The conclusion was inescapable: I was going to hell. No matter what I did for the rest of my life, I was doomed. I was damned. At 10 years old, my fate had been sealed, and no matter how good I was from here out, I was going straight to hell to be tortured in the lake of fire for eternity.

And I was MAD. So mad at my mom. Why hadn’t she gotten me baptized? All Catholic moms did that for their kids – got them baptized right after they were born. It was so easy. That one act assured that they wouldn’t suffer the horrible fate that I surely would now. Oh, sure, I could try to get baptized now and make it right. But it wasn’t so easy for “non-babies.” No, if I wanted to do it now, I would have to go through catechism, spend lots of time learning all kinds of information, prayers, rituals, etc. I would have to spend a lot of time and effort to get that sprinkling of water, and would have to commit myself to the Catholic belief system – fully. It would have been SO much easier if she had just done it when I was a baby. Why hadn’t she?! It was so unfair.

I started thinking about what I would be missing out on; about Heaven. I started imagining what it must be like – floating around up there, sitting on puffy clouds, playing harps and praising God all day. Every day. For eternity. Just sitting. And playing. Or not. And praising. For the rest of ETERNITY. I even tried to envision infinity – I tried to picture a line of angels that stretched out into space, never ending. You kept going down the line, but it never ended – it just kept going and going and going. And then, it hit me – fear. A fear of Heaven. Sitting on a cloud for eternity? At 10 years old, I figured it would only be about 15 minutes before I was bored, and then I would have an INFINITY to figure out how to deal with that boredom. Oh no – no, no, no. This heaven was not for me, I was sure of it. I didn’t want to go to hell, but I certainly didn’t want to be bored for an infinite amount of time – that was a special kind of hell. In fact, getting tortured and burned in the lake of fire sounded no worse, and would actually be less boring.

So I thought a little more deeply about this whole process – about how God decides who goes to heaven and hell, and how unfair it seemed, especially to those poor babies who never got the chance to be baptized. Surely, there must be millions of kids, all over the world, in all ages, who had never been baptized into Christianity (at least the Catholic flavor, which believes in original sin). ALL of those poor babies, through absolutely no fault of their own, were going straight to HELL? What kind of sick god would create such a terrible system? No, something was wrong with this, I was sure of it. If there was a god, which I was pretty sure of, he (or she) – at least the one I believed in – would never have or support or even allow such a system. This was some sick stuff. (see Footnotes 1)

I thought about my own life, my own dad. I had definitely done some “non-saintly” stuff in my 10 years. But would he banish me to be tortured and burned for eternity because of it? No, not at all. He expressed unconditional love, and always allowed me to redeem myself. And I believed in my heart that no matter how bad I was, my dad would never consign me to be burned in a lake of fire for all eternity in any case – not even if I did something REALLY bad. That just wasn’t who he was – what a dad was. And so if my dad, who wasn’t even religious, had this kind of love, forgiveness and acceptance, how could god not? What kind of god would be so vicious, spiteful and cruel to his own children – children that HE supposedly created?

Yeah, I was pretty convinced by this point that this whole system was messed up, and I decided that night that I would have my own God – not the one they prayed to. My God was like my dad – kind, loving, forgiving, understanding, supportive. Sure, he’d spank my butt if I did stuff wrong and would definitely dole out discipline where it was due. He wasn’t a pushover, and I would never have gotten away with one tenth of the stuff the kids today get away with! Lol. But he wanted the best for me, and understood that making mistakes is part of life, it’s how we learn, and we shouldn’t be condemned for it. He offered redemption – something that my God did too; even to all those babies, kids and even adults who never got that water sprinkled on them. And what was so big about that whole process anyway? Some guy in a weird outfit says some prayers, being “ordained” by god, and by sprinkling some water on a baby’s head, boom – all that sin is gone, and he or she is good to go? Nah, I just couldn’t buy it.

So that night, I got my own God, and my very own “religion,” or more accurately spirituality. I talked to my mom shortly after about my desire to check out some other religions to see if perhaps there was one out there that didn’t have the whole “original sin” concept and fit me better. So for the next few months, I went to a different church each weekend, taking them for “test drives” to see how they fit. (one in particular was especially “fun”: they made us cry for our sins – like literally cry. I mean, I just didn’t feel like I had been THAT bad, but they told me we all were, and I HAD to cry, “Cry for your sins!” they admonished me Lol) And while there were many others that didn’t have original sin, they all had one belief in common: people who didn’t accept Jesus as their lord and savior were all going to hell, there was just no way around it. . Again, this struck me as off – what about all the people who lived in ages past before Christ was even born – they were all going to hell simply because of their poor luck in being born too early? What about all the people in other countries, on different continents, who never even heard of Jesus? What about all the Native Americans? What about the millions of people in other locales who simply didn’t have anyone bring the “good word” to them yet – all of them, going to hell? This was truly some messed up stuff, this Christianity.

And the topper was watching “Jesus of Nazareth” when I was a kid. (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesus_of_Nazareth_(miniseries)) . This was a wonderfully done, beautifully acted movie/mini series about Jesus, and the guy who played him was absolutely sublime! I was certain this is what Jesus was really like, and I loved him – loved his teachings, the way he was so kind, loving, and forgiving to people; the way he spoke of God as a loving Father; the humility he displayed, always saying it wasn’t him doing the works people were worshipping him for – which he did NOT like by the way – but the Father within him. Yes, THIS was Jesus, this was the guy.

But how could THIS be the guy that all these churches and religious groups claimed to be representing? How could they all be worshipping him when he specifically said – no, IMPLORED them – not to do that? How could they say that everyone who didn’t do certain things was going to hell, when that is not at all what Christ said? How could they gather in churches and have some priest lead them in prayer in some big spectacle when Christ said, “When ye pray, gather ye not in the synagoues…” I mean, it honestly seemed like they were doing everything he said not to, and NOT doing the things he DID say to do, like loving your neighbor as yourself, praying for your enemies, not calling out the faults in others when you have your own. Something was VERY off with all of this. Either that Christ I saw portrayed was completely wrong, or the churches, and most of Christianity was. And, being of the scientific mind that I was, I determined, based on evidence, observation, analysis and personal experience, that the only conclusion was the seemingly crazy, almost inescapable one: that the Christ I saw portrayed was 100% accurate, and that somehow – somehow – ALL of these churches, religions, groups, people – all of them had gotten it wrong somehow. No, this was NOT the Christianity that Christ taught. It was something else, and I didn’t want to be a part of it.

So I accepted that I would have to find “the others.” Certainly, there had to be other people out there who saw this was all just wrong? I mean, I – a 10 year old boy with limited knowledge and experience – couldn’t be the only one who saw how messed up this was, right? I had to find some other people who saw this. They had to be out there – I just knew it.