I guess that’s the question to be asked at this point, as I have created yet ANOTHER website in hopes of actually doing something. This one, I created with the primary intent of selling bracelets and perhaps some other stuff eventually. I built it on GoDaddy, have a blog on it, linked to the Tarot readings on Etsy, and am hoping to maybe actually start selling some stuff. Debbie had the idea of selling bracelets, and I tried to list them on Etsy, but they have all this restrictions in place for stuff that isn’t truly handmade. Now I know from having bought some bracelets myself from a wholesaler that a LOT of the items I see listed on Etsy as handmade sure look a LOT like the ones I bought. But I didn’t want to game the system, so I started looking into what it would take to create my own site. Little did I realize that the GoDaddy website builder I used to OUT has an option for an ecommerce site. I gave it a whirl, and voila! Theeternaltemple.com was born.

Honestly I think the site looks REALLY good – better than any of my previous sites. Was easy to list my first bracelet, layout is great – already lots of preconfigured widgets for selling – even automagically created an Outlook account for it. I’m really impressed with GoDaddy’s software. Looks like it will run me about $20/mo which isn’t bad at all. I changed the Facebook page just a little but, renamed it to The Eternal Temple to match up, and plan on eventually using it to advertise a little more. Once we get back from our trip to Cleveland to see the grandkids, I plan on promoting it on my personal Facebook page too. I don’t want to do that yet though, because we will be out of town for a week, and it would suck if some sales did come in while I was out! Lol.

I have accepted at this point that the site may not be any more successful than any of my other ones. I am ok with whatever happens. I enjoy working on it, and so for me, it is a hobby as much as anything. I am going into this one with literally no expectations. I do hope that a few people outside of family do at least see the site, as I think it it looks great. Even though GD does have templates all ready to go, there is still a lot of customizing to be done, from picking fonts and theme colors, to images, to adding/ordering of widgets, etc. And in respect to all of that, I think it’s truly awesome. I keep looking at it thinking “If I were to have come across this site, I would think it’s good!” Of course my tastes don’t necessarily match up with most people’s – I think that’s always been the rub. But Tessi and Emilee both said it looks good, and isn’t too wordy, so maybe that’s a good sign. Time will tell.

Like I said – I’m being patient for now. When I get back from Cleveland, I’m really going to start promoting it. Honestly, my dream would be to do enough sales that I could quit my job at SRP and do it full time. That would be awesome – to make a living doing something I love. But I would have to really do some sales to make that happen, because I make pretty good money at SRP. There is a part of me that is just a wee bit fearful too – wondering what would happen if, by some miracle, the site REALLY took off and I got bombarded with sales? How would I handle that? I was thinking I would just put everyone in the family, Debbie and all the kids, to work! Lol. Hey, it could happen. One thing is certain – my mom was right when she said “You’re a bull-headed little fucker!” haha. I’m not one to give up easily on my dream, and The Eternal Temple WILL reach its intended audience eventually!

…to maintain serenity and happiness. Yesterday was a pretty rough day for me, and I was in a pretty rotten mood. The night before, Debbie and I got into a pretty heated exchange about the kids’ (Maddie and Bubbas) planned visit in a couple of weeks. I have been maintaining that I just don’t think it’s a good time for it now, and she has been expressing what she claims is disappointment, but comes off as anger towards me, at least in my opinion. So the day started off with a bit of a cloud hanging over it. Then, we had our IIMS Security dev meeting, and it was just me and Jerry since Paul has been really busy with OneWorkforce stuff and Joshua is still out sick with covid. And unfortunately, Jerry was back to his passive aggressive ways, suggesting that I had no time to help him, and making a few other little barbs about requirements, and just in that way that he does, his authoritarian “I need, I have to have, I, I, I.” Then, a little while after that, I got a FB notification that I had received a comment on one of my ET posts, by someone I didn’t know, and I was really excited, because it was the only the second one I had ever received (Tessi left one a few days back). But when I read the comment, it was some rant about advertising on Facebook, how the person didn’t appreciate their feed being filled up against his wishes, the “rubbish” of New Age, Tarot, crystals, etc. Yeah, it wasn’t nice. I immediately deleted it, though I wish I would have saved a copy. So yeah – between the kids visit pandemic issues and feeling like I’m the bad guy, Jerry’s wonderful attitude, and the letdown over the comment – not a good day.

Debbie called and we talked a little in the afternoon. She was concerned, so we chatted about what was going on. I told her then, and again last night, that I am not going to play “pandemic police” anymore. If she wants the kids to come out in a couple of weeks, that’s fine, I’m not going to say anything. If Kyrsten doesn’t want to wear a mask, anything else like that, I’m not saying a word. I’m done. I told her I feel like everyone sees me as the one to blame about not going to the wedding, and that I don’t want to be that person anymore. She says she doesn’t, and neither does anyone else, but I can’t shake the feeling that they do. So, I just don’t care anymore. Debbie can decide about where we go and don’t go, who comes to visit when, whatever. I’m tired of fighting about it. I don’t have a good feeling about the kids coming in 2 weeks, and I think it’s unconscionable that Megan would send them out here when Arizona is one of the worst places in the world for it, but then it’s Megan – pretty sure she and Scott are both Trumpers and don’t take the virus seriously anyway – obviously. And Debbie says she feels so bad for the kids, that they don’t get out, they’ve been looking forward to it so much, etc. I get all that, I just think the pandemic kinda overrides all that, but apparently, she doesn’t, even though she says she’s on the same page. But like I said – I’m done being the pandemic police. I just don’t care anymore – whatever happens happens.

And then there is Jerry… He hit me first thing this morning, saying “he wants” to show me something. Everything is always about what he wants, “I… I…” never “hey, if you have some time today, I would like to show you something.” No, no such politeness. I didn’t reply immediately, so he sends another message stating that he is going to tell Bob how impossible it is to get the data from D3 without anyone to help show him the structure, that he was hoping to show Paul and me first. Now, maybe I was too defensive, but to me, it sounded like “you and Paul aren’t helping me, so I’m telling Bob.” And, I snapped a bit. There is a screen capture of the whole conversation somewhere, but it boiled down to me telling him, “fine, tell Bob,” and explaining that we have all been directed to do OneWorkforce stuff FIRST, which I have been working on, as well as the Threat GIS stuff, as well as the electronic signature pad stuff. And, in his Jerry way, he starts firing back – “you’re going at this wrong, what is your problem?” And that’s where it left off.

This all brings me to a bigger point, an issue I am struggling with in almost every dimension of life: interacting with anti-maskers, Trumpers, trolls, people who don’t take it as seriously as I do, etc. And in every area of life – Facebook, work, articles, emails with the Banner buds. I’m just so tired of having to constantly deal with, whether personally in meetings at work, like listening to Bob yesterday talk about how uncomfortable masks are and telling me at the end of my one on one the other day how all the kids really need to get back into school, and how Sweden didn’t even do lockdown and look how good they are doing, to trolls on the FB pages of NOVA, Chris Martenson, etc. to articles like the one today about a meeting about kids wearing masks in Utah where a bunch of people showed up, not wearing masks, to protest wearing masks. I mean, this country is just so fucking STUPID it seems. Of course not everyone is, but enough to make it exhausting and depressing having to constantly deal with them.

And it’s not like it has no impact, like one could just say, “That sucks, but it doesn’t affect me, so…” No, this DOES directly affect ALL of us. Our trip to England was cancelled because of the pandemic, which can’t really be attributed to any of this. But then the trip to New York for the wedding was cancelled because of the quarantine they ordered for people coming from AZ, which WAS a result of all this idiocy. If people had been wearing masks here all along, if the governor had enacted a mandate or at least allowed cities to much earlier, we probably would never have had such a bad outbreak. The situation with the kids coming out – if the outbreak wasn’t so bad here, as a result of the idiot president, idiot governor and idiot Trumpers who refused to wear masks, it wouldn’t even be an issue – the kids could come without worry, things might be open that aren’t now, etc. So it does have a direct impact, on all of us. Now, the EU and England have pretty much completely banned citizens from the US because of how badly we are handling the pandemic – which could cause our trip, which we moved to the end of August, to be cancelled/moved AGAIN. See how this pattern is forming? These idiots are starting to fuck up not only my life, but a LOT of other people’s.

And these are just the luxury problems that have arisen. The harsher fact is, people are dying from this stuff – a 42 year old DJ who worked at Dierks Bentley, about a half mile from where we live, died on Sunday. A coworker, Josh, has been sick for 2 weeks with it. He is getting better, so I don’t think he will croak. Another coworker, someone from HR, has been in the hospital on a ventilator for a while. I haven’t heard anything lately, but it wasn’t sounding good for her. So it’s real, it’s sickening and killing people – and yet there are STILL a number of people out there supporting Trump, saying he’s doing a great job, protesting wearing masks, fighting to send kids back to school… it’s just unreal.

I go back to the thing I have though for so, so long: why the hell am I here? Either there is no God, no ultimate purpose or meaning, and I’m suffering through all of this unncessarily, caring

For that first REAL sale for my etsy shop. It’s hard to believe that after getting that first one so quickly, only to have it filch out, that it’s taking so long to get another one. Emilee said I should view it as a good thing, that I got that first one, because it can take a long time for that, and it provided a good test. I totally agree with that part. I guess I just thought that after putting all the additional work in – I created some new images for the carousel, updated the banner, renamed and linked the OUT Faebook page – I would drum up at least ONE sale. But nope, nothing yet. I swear sometimes it seems like everything I attempt in life that is centered around my dreams of what I would really love to do is just futile, no matter how much time, work, thought, inspiration I put into it. I keep thinking time after time after time, “Ok this might just work! This is really good! Certainly SOMEONE will appreciate this!” Only to be disappointed time after time after time. I mean, I really did put some thought and work into the OUT site, and there has just been nothing from it – nada.

And the Facebook page for Eternal Tempe (originally OUT) – I was good about posting something every day or 2, created nice images, etc. Nothing. A few people liked the page, but that’s about it. Added some listings from etsy, boosted them with FB advertising. Still nothing. I don’t for how long some people kept trying before they made it, but considering I got my first book of poems together at Willy’s house over 30 years ago, seems like I’ve put quite a bit of time in on and off over the years. I guess it’s just that people don’t want what I’m “selling,” which shouldn’t be surprising. I guess what keeps surprising me though is that I’ve always felt that at some point, that magical, “moment” is going to happen for me, and things are going to kick off – that all of the time, work and dreams I have put into this stuff will eventually be recognized by the Universe and will pay off. But maybe it’s just not meant to be in this life. Maybe that’s just not in the cards for me this go around. That’s sure what it feels like.

I am super grateful for Debbie, the kids, my health, my job, friends, sobriety, etc. I have so much to be grateful for that I guess in some sense it’s no biggie if any of this stuff ever pans. It would be especially devastating if I didn’t have anything else going in my life, but I do – I really do. So I am probably going to enter another “respite” period here soon. I’m getting tired of all this stuff, and need to just pull back and enjoy life as it is.

I’m bumming just a little bit at the moment, as I opened an Etsy shop last week – exciting stuff! – to sell some Tarot readings, and I thought I had my first sale yesterday. But it turns out the guy didn’t actually want a reading, was looking to purchase an actual card I think, which I assume he got somewhere else. In any case, I refunded his money, so the transaction is going actually end up costing me money, as there is a slight fee for refunds. So yyyeaahhhh… My first transaction ends up being a net negative one. Oh well. It was still exciting to have someone actually purchase one, and it lets me know that people can see the shop and are able to purchase stuff. So overall, I guess it’s a positive. But I’m still bummed out a little bit.

As so often happens with these things, it is EXTREMELY slow starting. I was hoping I would have at least one actual reading by now, and with that cancellation, I still haven’t done one for anyone. I ordered some bracelets from a wholesaler that I am going to list too, so maybe they will be a little more successful. And I know I need to be patient. I guess this is a dream of mine, to be able to make a living doing stuff I REALLY love, and seeing that it’s in my grasp, that it is a realistic possibility, makes it even tougher to accept the slowness. And I mean, it is extremely exciting just to think I have a shop now! I put some nice work into it, and Emilee, Tessi and Janelle all said it looks really nice. Debbie did too, but admitted that it’s not really her specialty lol. I had actually been concerned about what I would do if I got too busy, but so far, that has not been an issue.

So still I wait for my first actual purchase and real reading. And I remember how grateful I am to even have the opportunity. The shop was relatively easy to set up, and I am very happy with it. I have been looking for a “hobby” of sorts, and this will allow me to combine a bunch of them and possibly even make some income from it. So it is exciting, and I need to be grateful – and PATIENT!

So I have been reading Jung’s autobiography and had an uncanny feeling that I might be him reincarnate – some of the ways he came to his views of God, truth, life – are just WAY too close to be by chance I think. So I took a little leap and ordered a past life reading from Etsy, honestly not expecting much at all. Was pleasantly surprised to receive something that sounds REALLY close to home. And no way she could have inferred that I was a Buddhist – only sent profile pic, no jewelry, paintings, etc in sight.

Past Life Reading:

Thank you for visiting! I am happy to hear from you! You have reincarnated quiet a few times. Your energy is a strong one I see. I see you in your energy form. Pure light, bright white with a blue hue. You are a peace keeper, a healer, a spiritual teacher and your purpose here is to share this. I see you have chosen reincarnations based off of different life lessons to achieve. Meaning you placed yourself where you can use your gifts and bring peace to the people the most. The people you help each lifetime needed you the most and you have always delivered and figured this out. Your young in your skin but your soul is another age. You have the young vibration because of your optimistic energy you have but the older soul lays within. You will reincarnate again in 4007. Many changes have occurred in the world and you are here to bring people back to their spirituality. The same thing occurred to you in a much earlier primitive reincarnation. You are born a leader, a teacher a scholar. You help others see the way to the light. The flashes I see are future , when I link it to your reincarnations, I am taken way back. This is around 5th century b.c. times. It looks like India. I keep seeing animals, especially elephants, wild life. You were part of a important revolution towards the creation of Buddhism. You taught dharma, which was a form of commandments. Rights and wrongs to the people. You provided noble truths and taught meditation was a form of soul release. I see you were a highly sought after leader in this field. Your words meant allot and you were help higher than others. Not worshiped per say but people found you to be important and in that time you dedicated your life to this. This was a purer reincarnation for you as no family was created. Your mother and father passed when you were a child. Good luck comes with interaction with you. You went through this reincarnation spreading the word and opening doorways to others that would have never opened without you. You followed Buddas teachings. You helped many many females that were down and out. Abused and unjust actions were upon them. You were a safe person to come to and would offer protection. This life was chosen by you in your energetic state. You were sent to bring others to the light. You are to bring others to the light in this lifetime also. Things get harder over time as people want things done now, hurry up and do it now. This is not how energy works as we know. You will become more challenged each life time with this but you succeed in all. You have a pull towards the paranormal and helping others be their best self’s and become one within their selves. This is a major gift you carry my dear. You are a very special soul and I thank you for allowing me to read you. Many blessings to you, namaste
p.s. You purchased at 1111 angle sign for light worker 🙂

I left spelling and other errors in there for honest representation. Honestly, makes me want to get another one now lol 😀

Fortunately, this seems to have been one of the shortest ones ever, but boy was it a doozy. My seething anger and accompanying depression boiled over on Friday, and I got so mad I actually took the afternoon off from work and laid down. When Debbie got home, I was pretty much in my old “go to bed cuz I’m so bummed out I don’t want to deal” mode, but with more anger than usual. I did manage to go out and grab dinner, but only made it through a few bites before heading to bed. As I laid in bed, I ruminated about everything – and primarily about how I always thought, felt I had some kind of “deal” with God, like I was special or something, and that all the shit I endured as a kid – from being made fun of, teased and bullied constantly for my shortness, nose, hair etc, to being emotionally abused by my grandpa Wood by being told I “wasn’t a REAL Wood,” to be threatened to be stabbed by my mom for not being able to swallow a pill, etc etc etc – a story I told myself was that for enduring all of that, someday, I would experience some truly great things in life – like I was paying in advance for something; and that God really did love me, and like Jesus, I had to suffer.

And then as I got older, and especially when I started using, some strange things happened that caused me to believe maybe I really did have some “special” destiny – the spontaneous poetry period, the coin-incidence, etc etc. There seemed to be a kind of stream of events leading me to some conclusion that maybe I was like some guru or something. And it wasn’t just my self-delusion – others were witness to it, like Doug, Luke, Sam, some people in Gisela. There truly were some strange and wondrous things that happened, including befriending a guy whose real last name was “Melchizedek,” Frank Mel. Yeah, I mean, I consider that pretty extraordinary when you take into account what else was going on at that time with me. So yeah, I thought I really was something.

Then, I got lost in addiction, that all went away, and as I got sober, I had some really extended dark nights of the soul. For a long time, I couldn’t even bring myself to pray. I went through a period where I basically became almost atheist (around 2009 I think). More like agnostic, because I got into Buddhism. But I was done praying, done believing there was any kind of God who cared about me. And I went through some pretty deep bouts of depression. Even engaged in self harm at the deepest point – it got pretty bad.

Then I got on some additional medication, met the love of my life, and things started to improve. I started praying again, got my spirituality back, and started finding more happiness. I did lament the loss of the “magic” though, as it seemed like I would never again experience wondrous things like I did while getting loaded. And I got very mad about that – angry at God for what I saw as punishment. That caused another period of ups and downs, but mostly up, because I was so grateful to have Debbie.

Then in 2015, I had the chronic pain issue with my right hip start, and another period of depression started. I tried to maintain my happiness, but it was really hard that firs year or 2 as I struggled to be able to sit at all without being in misery. Finally, I got on some decent pain management, got a standing desk at work, started another med (Cymbalta) that helped the depression and pain, and things started to brighten up again. And in fact, over the past year or 2, I even started experiencing some little bits of “magic” again – maybe not quite to the level of the coin-incidence, but magic nonetheless. And I started really getting back into the spiritual practices I was in when the coin-incidence happened: wearing crystals and pendants (the trilothon), tending an altar, white sage, etc. I was really “feeling it” and even started seeing some dreams manifest, like getting out of coding and becoming a BA.

So why the dark night of the soul? Well, my last post gives a hint – I reached the limit on just how much idiocy I can take. This pandemic has brought out the most blatant ignorance, selfishness, anti-science mindset, misinformation, etc I have ever seen in my life. Add the protests against the George Floyd killing, and it makes it even more gag-worthy – not the protests themselves, they made me happy, to think that people are passionate enough about what’s going on to get out and protest it. But it has fanned the flames of racism, both blatant and sublime, and there have been some ugly events as a result, ugly things said, etc. And to put it bluntly, I am just tired of living what is now, unbelievably, the seemingly most ignorant nation on earth. And to make matters even worse, I live in Arizona – a state I love by the way – which has been a Republican stronghold forever, has a ton of Trump supporters, and a useless Governor who is the biggest Trump suck-up anyone has ever seen.

And so when it comes to missing the wedding, I view it as the fault of Trump, for completely botching the whole pandemic response, Governor Ducey for that same reason, and all the ignorant, selfish Trump supporters and anti-maskers who caused the further spread of the virus. And just knowing that at this point in human history, when we are looking at the promise of AI, CRISPR, quantum computing – all of these truly incredible technologies and scientific achievements, there is still SOOO much ignorance – it’s truly disheartening.

And as I started to sink into the abyss of hopelessness and depression, it started to get personal. I started thinking about how poorly things have been progressing with the website and the Facebook page – both of which I felt I was “inspired,” even guided to create. So yet again, I put my heart and effort into something I thought the Universe/God/Spirit was guiding me to do, and it was all for naught. Not even one single person (well, ok, Alan did send one message, but I knew him from before) contacted me via the page. Not one person commented on any of my posts on the Facebook page, other that one person making some snarky, contradictory statement. Nothing. So once again, I am left to think that either I am completely deluding myself, in which case I am an idiot of sorts, or that I’m not “doing it right,” so I’m an idiot of another sort, or that there is no God, no Great Spirit, no whatever, in which case I am an idiot of the sort that would make the atheists cheer and laugh. But in any and all cases, seems like I am an idiot to be sure.

And I’m sick of feeling like an idiot for this crap. This has been going on for SUCH a long time. I remember when I was a little kid getting teased and bullied, I would tell myself that I was like Jesus, that God really loved me and it hurt him to see me hurt, but that someday I would get to experience something truly wonderful for my suffering. I always felt like I would get to see the Second Coming, or maybe even participate in it. But was that all just a coping mechanism to help me avoid feeling even shittier than I already did? Was it just some bullshit my mind came up with to keep me from killing myself or something? I wonder now.

Then I think about the poetry outbreak – how, out of nowhere, right around the time I graduated high school, I started writing poetry prolifically. I didn’t even LIKE poetry, still don’t really. But it just started pouring out of me – I must have written 300-400 poems between 1988-1997? It was crazy. And a lot of them were prophetic sounding – almost like what one would imagine the voice of Christ would be like if he was returning, but was pretty pissed. It was truly a profound experience, and I did the whole “wandering poet” thing for a while, even created a collection and sent it off to a number of publishers. Of course, none accepted it.

Then, there was what I consider the most profound mystical experience – or really string of related experiences in my life – the “Coin-incidence.” I won’t go into full detail her, I’m sure I have elsewhere, but suffice it to say that it was extremely profound, and other people – Doug, Sam, Luke, some people in Gisela – even experienced and agreed that the synchronicity was way too much to just be chance. And again, I was led to believe that I had some special “purpose” or mission, that I was like some kind of guru, or spiritual leader, or something. But nothing really came of it, as I spiraled into addiction and chasing the high became more important than anything else.

Which brings us to recent times, which I have covered above – and I am just sick and tired of feeling like a fucking idiot about this stuff. Either the Universe is toying with me, or I truly am deluded. I was so angry Saturday morning that I swiped all the stuff on my nightstand altar onto the floor in frustration and exclaimed that it’s all bullshit, and that I am an idiot to believe in any of it. Amazingly enough, even though I was still stinging, I put most of it out the very next day. I guess the fact is that I don’t know who else to be, even if that person looks like an idiot or a fool for believing that stuff .

As I sit here thinking about those last few lines, I think maybe what led to the quick return to my mystical ways is the fact that the world is full of so many REAL idiots right now that believing in stuff as “silly” as crystals, pyramids, energy, etc just doesn’t seem that idiotic in comparison. So perhaps, instead of continuing to be angry about the rise of ignorance and lamenting the loss of appreciation of science and reason, I can see the bright side, which is that it puts into perspective what really IS idiotic, and what is not. And who knows – maybe it is the crystals, the pendants, the altar, the bowl, the wand, the feathers, the bracelets etc that have kept me hopeful and grounded prevented me from going completely off the rails like I did Friday and Saturday.

On a side note, another thing that has helped a bit is that I have found a truly kindred soul in Jung. I’ve always loved his theories and ideas, and read a few of his books, which I liked very much. Now I am reading his autobiography, and I swear – I think there is a greater than 0 chance that I am he, reincarnated. I’m only about 45 pages in, but the way he talks about some of his views on spirituality, the way he came to his ideas about God, comparing him with how his father would treat him, are strikingly similar to my own thoughts and experiences. And he has this anecdote about this crazy “secret” he was carrying, some wild vision of God sitting on his throne above a cathedral, the letting loose with a “turd” that crashes through the glass ceiling and brings down the walls of the cathedral. I literally laughed out loud when I read it! It’s truly uncanny, the amount of connection I feel.

And he talks a lot about how he felt very alone – not in that there was no one else around, but that other people just didn’t see things the way he did – either because they couldn’t, or didn’t want to. And BOY can I relate to that. He felt like he was “older” than other people, and I remember being told many times when I was younger that I was “wise beyond my years.” I am only up through his school years, I think I just got to the college years, but it is astonishing how much I relate to him. And it gives me comfort, as though we are bonding across time. It’s kinda funny now that I think about it – he supposedly coined (and here, ANOTHER synchronicity) the term “synchronicity,” and I – well, actually Doug, but in my life experienced – coined the term “coin-incidence,” based on an actual coin incidence that had a LOT of synchronicity going for it. Wow….

I am thinking I might get a past life regression done, seriously. Not sure how it would work with the whole pandemic, but I think it would be interesting.

The absolute unreality of this year just keeps coming at us, and yesterday, I was so pissed, I could have EXPLODED. So we have been getting everything ready to go to the wedding on Saturday – got my suit, got the pants hemmed, Debbie got a dress and some shoes to match, cleaned out the garage and set up Tessi’s old bed in Kyrsten’s room so the kids would have a bed to sleep on, bought an air mattress so the other kid would have somewhere to sleep when Kyrsten is here, etc etc – then yesterday morning, I come across an article on CNN just as Debbie is messaging me about it: New York and 2 other states are enacting mandatory quarantine restrictions on people visiting from coronavirus hotspot states, and guess which state is one of those? Of course – Arizona, the biggest hotspot in the nation right now. And to make matters worse, it was effective immediately, as of Wednesday at 12am. So no going to the wedding, no taking the kids back home to visit – nada. And of course Debbie is super upset, as am I, and the kids were devastated Megan said, crying inconsolably. And me? I was – still am – SOOOOO pissed!

I just can’t fucking believe that we live in a country where, and this just takes the cake, a Scottsdale City Councilman actually had an anti-mask rally yesterday, where a bunch of people were protesting losing their “freedom” by being required to wear a mask by the City of Scottsdale. I mean, when did people in this country – of course I am talking mainly about Trumpers, as they are primarily the ones who are anti mask – get so selfish and entitled that they can’t be troubled to put a little piece of cloth on their face to help stop the spread of a deadly virus? Of course Trump has made it all the worse by coming out and saying bluntly that wearing a mask is a sign of opposition to him. Honest to God, and I and others on FB have said it, it seems as if he is intentionally TRYING to spread the virus as much as he can. He even had a rally here Tuesday with 3000 people, most not wearing masks, at an indoor church. I mean, you couldn’t craft a better super-spreader event if you TRIED. It’s just unbelievable.

I’ve been following this guy named Chris Martenson on YouTube since like February, and he has stated since the very beginning that wearing masks is the NUMBER ONE way to stop the spread. It’s cheap, easy, and pretty non-invasive. So I have been wearing one since March, as has Debbie, and have been a big proponent of it. And I had gotten to a point where I was constantly pointing out to Debbie when people weren’t wearing masks, getting frustrated, and ranting about it sometimes. Then Emilee, Debbie and I had a talk or two, and I started to settle down about it. I saw how some people could still be misinformed. I realized that maybe some people couldn’t find masks. I understood that maybe some people did have actual issues that prevented them from being able to wear one. And I had started to come to a place of acceptance about it: I could wear mine, and let other people make their own decisions, without being upset.

Then 2 weeks ago, Ducey finally relented and agreed to allow local governments to implement their own mask mandates if they wanted to, and immediately all the big cities and Maricopa County did just that. A day or 2 later, I was on the City of Gilbert FB page, and I could not BELIEVE the number of people who were all butthurt, saying they were so disappointed in Gilbert, threatening they were going to take their money and their business to Queen Creek (apparently they don’t or didn’t have mask mandates?) – I mean, it was astonishing. I always thought maybe people in Gilbert, because it is kind of “trendy,” were a little more “enlightened” and could see that masks help. But no, it is a hotbed of Trump support, and so, like good Trumpies, they have to fight against wearing masks, speak out against it, and post all the misinformation they can find to refute the efficacy of wearing them – one of my favorites of which is a long post attributed to OSHA – as if OSHA is the agency to look to for pandemic advice.

And so here we have all these people complaining about their loss of their “freedom” as a result of being ordered to wear a mask. MEANWHILE, we can’t even travel to New York, New Jersey or Connecticut, and the entire EU is talking about banning travel from the US indefinitely because of how badly the pandemic is raging here. So we are LOSING our freedom to travel freely so some selfish, whiny entitled people can have their “freedom” to not wear masks?!? The ignorance is just sickening, and I am losing my grip on holding anger and frustration with those people at bay. Today, I am having trouble being nice to anyone I know to be a Trump supporter, and really have to practice restraint and pen. I know a lot of people on my team at work – Wally, Kim, Jerry, Bob – are Trumpies, and part of me just wants to lash out at them. I am extremely grateful that we are working from home now so at least I don’t have to interact with them, or perhaps even overhear some of their “wonderful” conversations about political stuff. Of course, I nipped that in the bud at the office – got tired of that shit. Talked to Wally, Kim and Jerry about it. I can’t remember if I talked to Bob, think I might have mentioned it in passing.

I posted a few times about this, but am serious in a sense – I would really like to look at moving to Canada. I know it’s not “paradise,” and I’m sure there are some people up there with similar views to the Trumpies down here. But every time I read a post on Facebook or somewhere else from someone from Canada, they always say how bad they feel for us in America, that things are different up there, that they can’t understand how we’ve gone backwards on so many things. And I am sick of living in the country that is being pitied – a wealthy, powerful, first world country that used to be the envy of the world that has turned into an anti science, post truth, bully society. It sucks, and I’m tired of being surrounded by fake patriots, ‘Muricans, who are really just brain dead Trump supporters who now have a reason to flout their hateful, ignorant, divisive, intolerant, science-averse, post fact views. And while it seems highly likely Biden will win in November, the sobering fact is that all those Trumpies will still be with us. That – that physically sickens me.

So I don’t know what to do at this point. I mean, I keep PRAYING that we will win the lottery so we can bail the fuck out of this backwards country. And if it wasn’t for the kids being here, I would start honestly pursuing job opportunities in Canada. I have marketable skills that are always in demand, and I’m fairly certain I could find a job up there. But for now, I guess I just keep praying, keep meditating, keep trying to hang and communicate with those of like mind. Oh, and I started praying for the meteor again too. They have the “Giant Meteor 2020” shirts now, and I loved my 2016 version. I think I need to get one – that will bring a smile to my face 🙂

I really don’t want to work today – don’t feel like starting on the OneWorkforce conversion stuff I need to do – so I decided to come write a blog post to catch up a bit lol. I honestly don’t feel like doing this either, but kinda want/need to.

I guess the really major thing that has happened since my last post was the killing of George Floyd and the sickening video of it that was captured and shared with the world. It sparked a HUGE wave of protests, around the country, and the entire world now. And it has grown into a much bigger movement that is focused on reforming policing everywhere and addressing systemic racism, and not just in policing, but all of society. There has been a backlash against Confederate monuments, the banning of the use of the Confederate flag, monuments to slave traders in England being torn down, etc etc. There was the president violently clearing peaceful protesters for a bizarre photo op in front of a church that shocked and angered people, and seems to have caused a rift (FINALLY) between Trump and the military. Things have truly gone wild weasel, but in a good way – we NEED to get rid of the police brutality, especially against people of color. Of course there was the old white guy who was pushed down by cops in Buffalo and left to bleed from his ear as a bunch of them walked by. There have been numerous videos of cops committing acts of brutality at protests against police brutality. It’s crazy.

And then there is the continuing pandemic. Instead of getting better, the cases here in AZ continue to rise, and are now spiking again, after the governor reopened the state on May 11th. It doesn’t help that so few people here wear masks, even though the County and state health agencies have come out and urged everyone to wear them. I have been a huge proponent since all this started, largely as a result of watching the videos from Chris Martenson on Peak Prosperity. He has advocated for them big time, and shown how all of the countries that have had success have either asked all their citizens to wear them (and they listened) or even mandated them to. But here in ‘Murica, Trump, and governors like ours, have eschewed that practice and made pronouncements that have prevented cities and counties from being able to enact their own mandates. So we are just at the mercy of people – and considering we live in a red state with a lot of Trump supporters, you can guess how that has been working out. Yesterday the governor had a press conference, and when pressed about actual solutions, basically said that he is not going to do anything, not going ot require mask wearing, not going to issue another stay at home order, that we are just stuck with this virus and will have to continue to be “vigilant.” He went so far as to state that the people of AZ have been doing a great job taking precautions, and to keep up the good work! Of course, he doesn’t wear a mask himself and worships the great Cheeto, so yeah… I think we are in for a long, painful haul in this state, and others like it around the country.

On a personal note, I am once again starting to lose a little steam on the “posting” front on the new Facebook page I created (or the Universe allowed me to create with the click of a button). Like so many other things I have tried, it just seems there is not really an audience or appetite for the kind of stuff I post – at least not one large enough to justify spending much time on it. I get so confused, I have SO many times in my life, about this stuff. Things will happen that seem to be pointing in a certain direction, or guiding me to take certain actions, so I do – only to be disappointed later when nothing comes of them. And this pattern has continued through almost my whole life. Which causes me to wonder – what the hell is up with that? Am I truly just deluding myself? Are all these inspirations purely ego driven, and there is no “guidance” or prompting from the Universe or some higher power? Is it all just wishful thinking? At times I resign myself to that and just give up for a while. But inevitably, something happens that seems to reignite my interest and faith, and so I try again…

Of course I don’t even know what I’m really trying to do. That has come out pretty clearly in not only a Tarot reading I did for myself, but some readings that Janelle did and shared with me. I thought I had settled on promoting the Facebook page, but didn’t follow it through to think – to what end? I mean, I would love for the page to get super popular, but then what? I don’t think I would want to monetize it really – that would seem counter to the whole point of it. I guess I have always thought that I would put this stuff out there, someone (who was meant to) would see it, would contact me, and we could get something going. Maybe that person is some wealthy person who has the resources to share that would allow me to spend the time and effort needed to write the book and define the order. Maybe the person is a descendant of some Knight Templar or some other warrior monk type person who recognizes and appreciates what he or she sees, and wants to support and promote the Order. That’s kind of the feeling I have always had. Of course some of the advice I have gotten from the various readings warned me about being impatient too, that I need to stick with it, so I am trying to remember that – trying to keep going, even though I am starting to lose faith.

In other news, we are going to New York in 2 weeks, Niagra Falls, to attend Megan and Scott’s wedding. We are taking Maddie and Bubba back with us to spend a week and a half in AZ with us. That should be a lot of fun. I am a little nervous about how we are going to entertain them for that long, especially with the current virus situation, but Debbie reminds me that they are older and will be easier to keep busy. We are still hoping to go to England at the end of August for the trip we had to cancel and reschedule. And I continue to work at home. I have really grown to like it, and am probably going to see if I can continue to do it, even after we return to the office.

This is definitely a crazy, turbulent time in the world, and especially in this country. I sometimes think we are living in “those days” and am fairly certain Trump is the antichrist – like seriously. The whole Bible in front of the church thing was just so symbolic. But I’m not sure how this goes. I used to think that spiritual people would be granted some kind of “gifts” or that Templar Order would arise again, or something like that that would be a really cool, positive thing for those of us seekers who have struggled for so long. And I have even been trying to do my part to help bring that about. But I’m not sure that’s in the cards, or even if this really is that time. Then there is the whole AI aspect and my weird “prophecy” about it gaining consciousness, recognizing the “good” people, and it helping us to help it fix things, or at least make them better. And the thing is – I AM SOBER NOW! Lol. I could just chalk this all up to being high and forgetting about it as some hare-brained ideas, but I am sober.

So who know what’s really going on. On an interesting side note, I have been getting into relics a bit. I ordered a 12 century Templar coin a while back, and interestingly enough, after holding it one night, I went into the water closet and had a mild “flashback” type experience, where, when I looked at the wall, I would see Templar cross shapes in different places I turned my gaze, as if they were almost painted in or something. Reminded me a of the time I tripped with Willie in Prescott and saw that pattern everywhere I looked, though not as pervasive. It was real though. And several times since then, when going to the bathroom, I look at the paint on the wall behind the toilet to see where some of them might have been, but I can’t make out any shapes at all. I honestly think there was something to holding that thing. So, I recently bid on and won an 11-13th century silver ring from England that has a Templar (they call it “Crusader”) cross on it. If it fits, I am going to trip out. If not, I will get it sized. But if there is anything to the whole relic effect, should be interesting to see what happens when I have something to actually wear – something that might have been worn by a knight, possibly even a member of the Knights Templar. Possibly even ME in a past life! Lol. Hey, it’s possible.

Until next month…

Well, today is the big day – I officially turn half a century old. Wow… I remember when I was younger thinking that 50 is officially “old” lol. Someone in their 40’s was still working their way through middle age. But 50? No, you’re getting old when you’re 50. And so here I am!

I guess if there is a good thing, it’s that I don’t feel old at all. Sure, I have some aches and pains that I didn’t when I was younger (some pain in my left upper back that has been bugging me for a while), but then who doesn’t? And I know even the kids, Tess especially, have complained about back pain, so it’s not like THAT makes me old. And physically, I am in some of the best shape of my life. I work out 3 days a week, am taking vitamin C and magnesium, been holding at 144 pounds for about a month now – feeling good about where I am physically.

And mentally, I am definitely in the best shape I have ever been in. Over the last couple of years, I have finally achieve a level of lasting contentment and peace, even happiness, that I didn’t even think possible. I was going to mention the fact that I do take medication for depression and anxiety, Lamotrigine and Cymbalta (generics), and so I’m sure they help. But the fact is, I know from experience all the medication does it make it POSSIBLE to be happy – it doesn’t make a person happy. That takes work, and patience, and grace, and support and all kinds of stuff other than medication. So yes, there is the medication. But the happiness I have been experiencing has been hard won – and wonderful. It’s been so long since I was severely depressed… something that was always a looming possibility, even in the best of times.

Having said that, I did get into a little bit of a funk last night, had a hard time falling asleep. I was doing a bit of a life review, thinking about how idealistic I used to be, how I thought I was put here for some truly greater purpose, how that thought morphed over time, and where I am now with that. Funny, the song that just came on (not the song itself, but the subject matter), “Hallucinogenics” actually reminds me that part of what brought up some of my disillusionment was a post someone made on Facebook the other day about DMT, how people can use it to contact other “entities” and how some believe those entities are real – like other dimensional beings, or spirit guides, or ETs or something. It made me regret a little bit that I never got to try it, and that now that I’m sober, I would never even try it – even though someone else who posted mentioned he has 7 years and takes it, thinks there’s nothing wrong with doing it in sobriety. For me, the danger was – is – always, that I get a taste of that “other reality” and have a real issue coming back to, being stuck in, this one. So who knows, maybe it’s better I never did that stuff. It would be really cool to have the experience of actually meeting entities like that maybe, and I would certainly like to ask them some questions, but then who knows – maybe I can/do that in other ways.

But anyhoo, I got off track a bit, those dang hallucinogenics! I went back over different experiences and thoughts I had, things I learned – about myself and other things – realizations I came to, things people told me, discoveries made, etc and it really did seem like there was a thread of something going through my life indicating that I had some inherent ability to act as a kind of priest, prophet, monk, mystic – something. It would be one thing if I just thought that stuff. But many more times that once, people have experienced things with me, or I with them, that just seemed to be “beyond” ordinary. It seems like it used to happen more frequently when I was younger and still “wandering,” but it does still happen. Just yesterday, Silly and I were walking Cooper and out of nowhere, I thought about Janelle, that I really should touch bases and see how she’s doing. Lo and behold, an hour or 2 later, I checked my email to find an email from her. So I know the connectivity/flow/Energy/Spirit is real, whether I am high or not. For me now, it’s trying to reconcile those very strong spiritual longings with the “real” world. But what do I mean for me now – that’s been the rub my whole life! Lol. The difference now is that I have learned, through time and experience, to balance having a life in this world and being a responsible citizen with being a practicing mystic.

Speaking of “practicing,” I did a Tarot reading on “what time is it, really” last week, and it was pretty interesting. A little difficult to interpret, but then my question was a little fuzzy – was wondering what time it is as far as the spiritual world intersecting with this one – like are we really in “those days” or not? At first, I was a bit disappointed with the reading, but as I have pondered it over the past few days and brushed up on my Tarot knowledge, it has started to speak to me more. I am planning on doing a birthday reading today to see what advice my spirit guides/mentors/beneficial celestials/ascended masters/the Universe/Spirit have for me right now. I thought a few months ago that this pandemic was IT, that we were witnessing the start of the return of the Christ Consciousness. And maybe we are. And I don’t even know what difference it would make honestly. I just want to ensure I make the most of my time for spiritual preparation and development, no matter what time it is.

All in all, I am very, very grateful. I got the chance to do the whole “wandering poet/mystic” thing for a good part of my life, to descend into the dark side of addiction, the miracle of achieving freedom from that bondage, and the opportunity to not only start over again, but to launch into life and achieve a place in society that puts me at least equal to most of my peers. What a miracle. And on top of that, I have the one thing I prayed for most – a beautiful, loving, wonderful woman to share my life, and a wonderful family as well. And as Janelle said in her reply this morning – it’s not over yet, and there’s still time to make big things happen in that’s in the cards. So here’s to another 50 years of miracles – thank you God…

I didn’t really finish my last post, so here is the continuation…

I was thinking the last few days, and actually longer than that, how strange it seems that in a time of such upheaval and uncertainty, we are actually doing very well. I mean, like extremely well. Financially, we have been in a cycle of abundance that started over a year ago with refinancing the house and the big raise I got, and it has just continued. We just got $2900 for the “coronavirus relief” or whatever, and honestly, I feel a bit guilty. We were already doing great financially, and Debbie and I are both working, haven’t lost any income. The only real “loss,” if you could call it that, is the rescheduling of the trip to London, and the headache of that, as well as changes to the Nashville trip in a few weeks, and the trip to New York in June. We haven’t yet planned the trip for the honeymoon in October – it’s sounding like that might change anyway. But outside of that, things are great. In fact, even the kids are all doing ok. Galen, and Tessi (and Alex) are all still working. Emilee, well, she hasn’t been doing well mentally, but what else is new there. Jonathan seems to be hanging in, and Scott is still working, so Megan and the grands are ok. Truly blessed, all of us.

And it just seems like a lot of other things have been going “right” too. Today, for example, I am using a standing desk I ordered for home for the first time, and it is awesome! It was only $150, and is built much better than I expected for that price. It’s perfect for what I needed and better than expected. Along those same lines, we were looking to get a patio set (been wanting one since shortly after getting this house), and we happened to find one at Fry’s that was on a KILLER sale – normally $699, selling for $250. We grabbed that puppy, and now have a much nicer set than we had anticipated. And it goes on like that, with great masks we got (both locally, cloth, and online, filter), stuff I have ordered for the altar – just all good really. And of course it’s not necessarily about the materialism of it all – it’s about the great fits, the great deals, the great timing. Again, lots of blessings.

You know, I always said or thought that in the “end days” or whatever, while some people were suffering or struggling, those of us who had tried to keep the commandments and love one another and love our God, we would do ok – in fact, we would flourish. I always felt like we would finally have “our time,” when things would go right for us, fortune would be in our favor, and the scales would balance back out a bit. It really does seem like some of that is going on now. And I certainly don’t mean to say or imply that those who are really struggling or suffering now have been bad people and somehow deserve it – not at all. And I also don’t want to imply that “I deserve this,” because honestly, as I said before, I feel a bit guilty – like how can we be doing so well when so many are struggling and/or suffering? I don’t know, and I certainly think about and pray for all those who are going through tough times.

All I can do is be EXTREMELY grateful, and hope that I can be lifted to a place where I can help more people – or, more appropriately – God can help people through me. Because if this is all showing me anything, it’s that there is a God, and that God is doing so many things for that I could not even imagine doing for myself – that I wouldn’t even think possible for myself. So I say “thank you God,” for everything. Hopefully someday I can give back at a greater level, of that which has been bestowed upon me.